[Charley]

Hi everyone.

My problem is this; i have big jealousy problems with my b/f (cuz he had sex with lots of girls, mostly my friends,

when i really liked him) and this causes loads of arguments b/c I just get images in my head of him doing this with

my friends (and b/c he used to boast about it before we were together, i know a LOT of the details )

ANyways we've been together for a year and a bit, we both love each other, I'm the first girl he's ever loved, he

changed a lot to be with me... But now after all these arguments, which are really bitter and intense every time, i

feel sorta...numb towards him. I know i love him but there is no happy feelings like i used to get when i thought of

him. We're leaving school soon and he wants us to live together and i know that we could have been happy

forever... if only he hadn't done all those things. He wants us to live in brighton and have a lil flat and get high and

drunk and have fun together but he always used to get stoned and thats his reasons for doing those things with

every other girl he did stuff with (almost). Anyways so im feeling pretty depressed about beng with him and our

future. Should i just leave him and get it over with and move on? I do love him and thinking of being alone scares me.

Another thing is that whenever i get these thoughts in my head and get angry at him he shouts back, and doesnt even try to be nice or support me through it, even though i asked him too.

ANy advice would be really good. Thanks

[gobain]

Although I'm sort of a stick-it-out kind of person, I would have to say, honestly, that I think you should move on. For your own sanity.

I think the problem goes beyond being insecure just about these past associations and activities. You speak of being afraid to be alone as well. It seems that maybe you should try being on your own and learn to be okay with it and yourself. He can't undo what he did and it will forever haunt you until you can learn to be secure with who you are.

My opinion, but I don't think you can accomplish that AND stay with him. Maybe you'll meet someone whose past isn't so "in your face" as his is. Maybe you'll learn to be okay with his past and get back together. But I guarantee that you'll be alot happier with him or anyone else once you get past your own fears of being alone and/or not measuring up.

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you?

[Charley]

i'm 18, he's 16. but its not that i'mafraid of being alone, its just that i know i'd miss him really badly, cos we're like best friends as well. we really enjoy each others company, it's just when we argue and its always about his past. also hating his past (he first had sex when he was 14, and previously turned me down because i was a virgin which he didn't see as being 'cool'..so he wouldn't go out with me. but like i siad he changed but i just cant get over the fact he could have been so cruel and such a shallow slut...
Yeah but all this also made me really judgemental about other people.... now i really hate to see sluts and young people smoking and stuff, and it makes me sick to see 12 year old mothers in the street.. because that's like he used to be.

I dont know... i think i'll get counselling..

[Samantha16]

I don't think you need counciling, but that's your choice. I know what you mean about the images. My boyfriend of three years and I broke up a couple times, during which he fooled around with other girls and liked other girls. This drives me crazy...i feel like i need to know all the details. But it makes it worse for me and I get those images in my head. I hate it.

I feel the same as you do. There's something that changed in the way i feel with him. You said when you had a crush on him, you were happier. And now you're with him, but you know about all this stuff he did and it drives you crazy. With me, I feel like our relationship went sour, with all the stuff he did and all the stuff I'm forced to try and get over if I want to stay with him. Same as you, mines a great guy and we love each other. I know he wants ME, and the past is the past, but sometimes I feel I deserve better.

I wonder... and this is something to think about... If we left our boyfriends and started a new relationship, would we change? Are we always going to be naging, jealous women? Or are we jealous women only in this perticular relationship, because of the circumstances? I wonder if I will always be a jealous, worried, naging girlfriend, no matter who I'm with. If that's the case, then obviously I'm the one with the problem.

Think about it carefully...but if you're not happy, and you don't think you can overcome this, leave him and take all the time you need. I'm scared to lose my guy too. In a perfect world, I'd leave him, and find someone I could be happier with. But I know what you mean about missing them too much and possible regret in your desision.

Remember, you're always going to think you made the wrong desision at first, but that's just the natural reaction to giving up something you want. Just remind yourself you're making the best desision for you. You'll obviouly get over it in time, and like the other woman posted, maybe you guys will get back together when you're ready. It could be the best desision you'd of made, and you might wind up being a lot happier with the relationship once you've given yourself time.
good luck.