My fiance is communicating with women in the internet. I don't know, may be it is normal now-a-days to be in contact with multiple women and classify them as "friends". He tells me they are only friends, but he will never stop talking to them. And if I want "to change him", he will leave. He occasionally chats with them or sends a letter. He would like to call them, but doesn't do it for fear to get me upset. He is supposedly in love with me and plans a future together, but these female friends make me concerned. Am I right, am I wrong? Is there something I don't understand?
You are bound to get a mix of responses to this, because people's opinions differ. It may be harmless friendships indeed. He probably does love you a lot, and he has a right to have friendships outside of your relationship.
But frankly, if I were you, well, it would bother me too. It's one thing to have friends in person who you have known for a long time..but friends just made on the internet? Wanting to call them up? Perhaps he is trying to still flirt, and feel available in a way he thinks is harmless, despite the fact he is engaged to you. The fact is, I think having boundaries you both agree on is important. You need to discuss this together. You surely matter much more to him than these internet friends. Him saying he'll leave if you try to change him shows little willingness to compromise, which would upset me. In a relationship we are allowed to say how we feel, and what upsets us, and expect the other party to consider our feelings. We don't own the other person, no, but I would certainly discuss this with him.
When I say to him what I feel about it, he says, "don't start this again". It bothers him that he cannot be free to communicate with them. He is actually free to do it, but it is also true that I don't feel good when he is doing it. If it's true that they are only friends, and friends made in the internet, why would he give such importance to them over me to the point of leaving?
I get a feeling he is too attached to them, or there is some kind of romantic connection going on, like he cannot let go of someone. Or may be he likes the attentions of many women. I don't want to spy on him, and he will not tell me the truth, if there is something to tell.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 27th April 2004 at 11:19 PM.
I would agree he does seem too attached. I'd say he loves the attention of these women. But he can't have his cake and eat it too. Perhaps find another way to explain it to him, without blaming or sounding angry?
I have had female friends online for years now. We occasionally write letters, send cards, or phone one another. Most of them are out of state, or out of country. I can understand your concerns over what exactly your fiance is talking to these women about. However, please understand that it is possible for a man to have female pen-pals, or just female friends in general, without wanting anything more.
I would be very angry if someone demanded that I stop talking to some of these women. The internet would become SO boring without any interesting people to chat with! I don't think that you demanded he stop talking to them however. It sounds that you just tried to bring up your feelings, and he wasn't very diplomatic about it.
Definitely let him know how you feel, but do not blame and do not assume. Stick to explaining your feelings about him having women friends online, rather than focusing on what he is specifically doing. Stay away from the letter sending and email transactions or whatnot. If he continues to be offended, ask him if there is a way he would feel more comfortable discussing the topic with you, because you do not intend to, or want to upset him, but at the same time you want to alleviate your insecurities.
I hope he's receptive, and that he would just rather try to approach the subject from a different angle.
He may not want to give his female friends up out of principle. If they are just girls he talks to occasionally then i'd be a little upset to if my gf tried to tell me i couldnt talk to them anymore, you really dont have the right to do that. Why is it that you are worried? is it just that he's talking to them or is there something else??
Ok, I suppose a man can have female friends and not want anything more (which I am not sure about, but assume it is possible). What about women who talk to him, they also don't want anything more? Would a woman be interested in maintaining a relationship with a man who doesn't give her any hopes for something more?
Do these women know that he has a fiance/soon to be wife?
How would he react if you started talking to different men on the internet? I don't want to start a fight between the two of you, I'm just asking what he would say or how he would he react?
He tells me they are only friends, but he will never stop talking to them. And if I want "to change him", he will leave."
These do NOT sound like the things you'd expect to hear from a guy who's engaged. He's defensive, uncompromising, and has no respect for your feelings.
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When I say to him what I feel about it, he says, "don't start this again".
Wow, that's nice and loving of him. It's obvious he's all about open communication and respect for your feelings. NOT.
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Another thing I want to mention, is that asking him direct questions is not possible, he gets offended, telling me that I don't trust him.
Why would ANYONE trust someone who's so strange like this? His hostility and defensiveness about this subject comes across as him being someone with something to hide.
Are these "female friends" friends he's had for YEARS? From way before he met you, or do you not know? Could they be women he's met online *since* meeting you?
I would think that if these were friends he's had for years, since way before you, that he'd already have talked to them on the phone......but I get the impression that he's never talked to them yet......so then it would seem to me that they're not longstanding friends that were in his life long before you entered the picture.
As Silver asked, does he inform them that he's engaged to you? Do they even KNOW about you? Have you asked him this question?
What are your ages?
How did you meet him......online, by chance?
How long have you 2 been together?
Are you officially engaged (with a ring and all) or is it really in name-only?
Do you have a wedding date planned?
Have you ever seen or read any of these letters he sends/receives from these women, to SEE the nature of their conversations? Do any of them live locally to you?
Something doesn't sit well with me. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with a person having "Friends" of the opposite sex.......particularly if they were in that person's life long before their partner......but if the guy is "meeting" women online while he's in a relationship, that's not kosher. And his defensiveness, admittance that if you try to change him he'll "leave"......all that, it's not a good sign. He doesn't sound like a guy who's ready to settle down.
I asked him if these women knew that he was with me. He said yes, but only basic information, only where I am from, no other details. I don't know if I can trust that, I cannot be sure about what they know about me, if anything at all.
Last night he said to me, that he was going to check his mail, but that I shouldn't be angry. I said, ok, but I am going to check mine right after. He said, that it's ok with him, he doesn't get angry about it. While he was checking it, he called me and said, "look, that is why I am checking it". There was a letter from Greenpeace, something he gets in his e-mail every once in a while. I said to him, that this is not the only reason he is checking it. He said to me, that if he wanted to talk to women, he would enter in the internet, when they were online, and now it was too early for that. When he was done with the internet, he came and said "stupid, it's you whom I love".
I actually thought I do the same to him, start having male friends in the internet. I did have some before, but I stopped communicating to them when I met him. I just don't think it is right to have them when I am seriously involved with someone. But that might be the only way for him to understand. I feel so dirty for doing this.
He has like thirty of them, I don't believe all of them are so important. He met them at different times on line. Some before he met me.
He is 6 years younger than me. He has always been telling me it didn't matter. However I am not so sure about that. Sometimes I think that it would be natural for him to be interested in younger women. But I think he is attracted to older women.
I did meet him online.
We've been together for three months.
We are not oficially engaged, but this wedding is supposed to happen in two weeks from now.
I didn't see any of these letters he is writing. He didn't like when I was looking at what he was writing in the computer. He said, that he wasn't listening to my phone conversations, so why would I be looking at his conversations.
None of these women live locally to me. They live at the place where he came from. He moved from there to be with me.
You've known each other for 3 months and are supposed to get married in 2 weeks & you're having these kinds of issues ?!?! - You should not be marrying this guy
You say he has about 30 women he chats to online and only some he met before you? Why do you think he's still chatting up girls online? Because he loves you? Because he wants to have a successful relationship? Because he cares about your feelings? NO, NO and NO.
It really doesn't matter how important any of them are to him, what should be most important to him is YOU. If he has long standing friends, fine, then you should be able to read their mails if you're concerned and he wants to allay your fears, he should be announcing his upcoming marriage to everyone and he should be doing it loud and clear.
I actually thought I do the same to him, start having male friends in the internet.
NO, NO and NO again - you think that is going to make him stop? It won't. What kind of way is that to be starting a marriage?
I just don't think it is right to have them when I am seriously involved with someone
correct - and he should feel the same way.
This guy has no respect for your feelings and little or no respect for you - and I'll say it again - you should not be marrying this guy AND you shouldn't ge going out with him either.
Please get rid of him, he's only going to screw up your life, screw with your head and make you miserable.
I totally agree with bluechocolate...I was thinking that the entire time I was reading this thread. Maybe it seems like a good idea to get married now. Is there some reason for the urgency? It will be a better idea, in the future, if you are right for each other, or the probably the worst thing you ever do if you choose to do it now. I've never been married but one of the things I think is an important part of the foundation of marriage is mutual respect. It doesn't sound like he is respecting your wishes...and the fact that you can't ask him a direct question is just plain weird.
IMO, in the imortal words of Monty Python, "run away!" and be glad you've only invested a short time...
Originally posted by mary01
I did meet him online.
We've been together for three months.
We are not oficially engaged, but this wedding is supposed to happen in two weeks from now.
This is nuttier than a fruitcake.
You met him online, only 3 months ago.......you say you're not "officially engaged" yet the wedding is 2 weeks from now? What the hell?
What on earth are you doing?
You don't know him nearly well enough to be committing your life to him in marriage. What on earth are you THINKING?? Why on earth would you ever agree to walk down the aisle with someone you BARELY know.........who has 30 women online he's chatting with? What is WRONG with this picture? Do you think this is all you can get out of life or a partner? 2 weeks before the wedding, he's telling you that if you have a problem with his chatting with chicks that he'll "leave you"....yet you're going to marry him? You think this problem is going to magically go away once you both say "I Do"?
Marriage, in case you didn't know it, is a serious (or it should be) sacred act. It should be based on each person knowing each other extremely well (not only 3 months)......totally 100% mutual trust/respect/loyalty/communication.
What on earth are you doing here?
And he says to you, "Stupid, you know I love you." Wow, talk about a backhanded compliment.
Girl, you're awfully naive. If you go through with this marriage, you are going to have a life of misery and mistrust and insecurity and BS and uncertainty. That's what you want? If so, I guess you deserve it. *shaking head*
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