|
I had/have the same problem with my twelve yr. old biological daughter. I have been divorced from her "sperm donor" which is what I now call him because he has never been a father to her. We were married 4 years before I left and she was almost 3. He too has supervised visitation when he decides to visit. It is definitely a merrry go round when it comes to the broken promises, missed Christmas/birthday calls/presents. He calls maybe once every two months, mostly too busy to talk to her, just to give some lame excuse why he can't send child support. We finally moved from the area in which he lived about 4 years ago. That is when the aggressive behavior toppled toward my husband/ her stepfather...screaming, kicking, fighting. Finally, right before her 12th birthday, I dropped the divorce papers, newspaper article and police report in her lap to read and discuss as she wished. Knowing and somewhat accepting that sometimes people are just not cut out to be parents has helped her deal with the anger. And she knows that any time she wants to talk about the situation she can. I explain to her that he has within himself the ability to change his ways for her if he chooses to. Nobody can make him and he hasn't made much of an effort to be a father thus far...not to expect anything. Be openly honest when discussing things regarding the unavailable parent. Don't sugar coat anything regarding the mother's actions. Don't judge, just be honest or ask "realization questions". Why do you think she would do that?
My husband and I both get the "you need to spend more time with me thing, mostly directed at me. Things that are currently working for us are as follows....
1. I verbally let her know that we are spending time together when we go shopping, or go to Wal Mart.
2. Every once in a while when I have she and I have a day off together, we will go out to eat and see a movie.
3. I also bring up the fact that she wants to spend time together at her convenience; when she's not watching t.v. or playing her computer. I remind her that spending time together goes both ways...she has to give a little too.
4. As far as her disrespecting me or my husband, we worked our way through the "fits". She now gets grounded. I also made her well aware that if she ever hit or kicked either of us again, that right after I hit her back, I would call the police and necessary steps would be taken to put her in a girls home. She is now almost as tall as I and weighs almost the same as well.
5. Also, as for spending extended amounts of time together, we do weekend things as a family as money permits. Period.
Don't give up on her. When you do something nice for her, verbally tell her. Most of the time, kids that age just expect small everyday things you do for them. EX. I made it a point to wash your blue shirt today because I know it is your favorite and you like to wear it on Friday. Try to do this often. Even still, the "smart mouth will be around ---that is just two females, puberty and hormones. Good luck.
|
Linear Mode
