My mother has always been a negative part in my life. And as much as she says she wants me to be happy, I really don't get a feeling like she wants me to be happy in my life. She has not dated in 15 or so years because she used the excuse of raising me, but since I dated this guy, she seems to be negative towards that and doesn't want me to date him. She says I am settling for him when really I am giving him a chance until he screws up. I don't settle for no one. So, what do I do when my mother is so unhappy with her life that it seems like she wants me to go down the same path.
You know, if you went to a counsellor, you could get help on dealing with your mom.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
I really don't think there is any hope though. Unless I move out and I just can't do that yet because of money issues. But, yes, I know counsellors seems to do everything to help people out. Just wish I wasn't so stuborn.
Don't you get that you are cutting off your nose to spite your face? What's the point of being stubborn if the only result is that you're miserable? This can't possibly make sense to you. Actually, I don't think you're stubborn; I think you're scared. Several folks on this board were resistant to getting help, finally got help, and have been real pleased at the results. Why continue to sabotage your own self by accepting your state of unhappiness?
I hate when your right. I know. There are alot of things I should do for myself, but I am scared. And I don't want to be unhappy and live like this. My mom even told me to do something about it, and to go see a counsellor or a doctor to talk about problems and get medication, because life doesn't have to be like this. And she sees it on my face how misreable I am. I know that I am making the wrong choice by continueing with this losser, but I don't know how to get out of it where he leaves me alone.
I keep telling my mom, the guy I am seeing still, and friends from work that when I go to VEGAS, that I am not comming back. Maybe with winning the trip, this might be a sign to explore my options out there and I might be content with myself and my life if I live out there.
So, yes, I totally agree that I need to do something like counselling to help me out. Just something that will have me talk to someone who can help me.
but I don't know how to get out of it where he leaves me alone.
Longlegz, you wanted a boyfriend because you thought that would make you feel better. It hasn't has it? So there's no point in continuing with the loser. It is a strategy which didn't work so you might as well abandon it. Not only that, he often makes you unhappier than you usually are That, you don't need.
No offense, but you post the same problems over and over and over again. At what point are you going to choose to listen to the advice that is offered?
You MUST be getting something out of being so miserable--otherwise, why would you continue to allow yourself to be miserable? Many folks here have suggested that you could benefit from counseling or medication. I agree. Many folks here have suggested that you move out of your mother's house. I agree. You've been complaining about money issues for the past year. Didn't you graduate from college last May? Are you still actively job hunting? How many resumes have you sent out? Are you networking? Are you looking for jobs outside of your degree area, just to have a decent job for awhile? Are you doing freelance work to get your portfolio going? Have you considered getting a Master's degree? You are 23 and have TONS of options--why are you not looking into any of them?
You really do seem to enjoy being in limbo. And to enjoy complaining about it. Yes, you might be scared--well, longlegsz, LIFE IS SCARY. You aren't always going to be in a comfort zone, people aren't always going to be nice to you, people aren't always going to treat you right, and sometimes you run the risk of failing at something you attempt to do. THAT IS LIFE.
I really don't know what to tell you anymore. If you don't want to take responsibility for your actions and life (and don't blame stubbornness--that's a cop out)--then there is nothing any of us here can do for you.
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She has not dated in 15 or so years because she used the excuse of raising me, but since I dated this guy, she seems to be negative towards that and doesn't want me to date him.
Is it possible that she doesn't want you to date him because HE'S AN *********? I seem to recall that she was supportive when you first met him...things have changed. He's pressuring you for sex and altogether treating you like crap. My mom wouldn't like him either, and she dates all the time.
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She says I am settling for him when really I am giving him a chance until he screws up.
He's already screwed up. How many chances does he get?
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I don't settle for no one.
Right. This guy treated you like dirt, and you took him back. That's settling. I want to hear anything good about this guy. From what I see, he's a selfish, manipulative, controlling jerk who is 14 years older than you. You can certainly do better than that.
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So, what do I do when my mother is so unhappy with her life that it seems like she wants me to go down the same path.
This has zero to do with your mom and EVERYTHING to do with you.
I agree. Why can't I leave him though? Why am I so stupid to still be with a guy who I know will end up snapping at me once again? I am just waiting for him to blow. Too, I am not happy in this situation and I told him I was not happy with the whole dating thing, but me being the idot that I am is giving him a chance and why is that. I just don't know.
I realize that I have to make myself happy first of all before having someone in my life, but he seems to not understand that I need to focus on myself before getting into a relationship.
I don't know. My mother thinks I am just settling for him, I have a guy friend who is at war who thinks this guy is bad news, all the loveshackers who thinks he is bad news and I do the complete opposite from what everyone says and know I am making the wrong move.
Many folks here have suggested that you could benefit from counseling or medication
She just agreed that she should look into that.
One more thing, longlegz:
that when I go to VEGAS, that I am not comming back. Maybe with winning the trip, this might be a sign to explore my options out there and I might be content with myself and my life if I live out there.
No. This won't happen. You can't move away from your problems; you'll only take them with you. You likely have a chemical ailment. This will not be cured without treatment. If you were diabetic, you'd rush to the doctor. This is similar only it's your brain that isn't getting the right chemicals in the right combinations. You can take that brain to Timbuktu and you'll end up in Timbuktu feeling as bad or worse. At least now you have a home and some company. In Las Vegas, you'll be totally alone and penniless and, trust me on this, even more miserable.
This will not go away by wishing or hoping or changing your hairstyle or dating Brad Pitt or winning a bazillion dollars. It needs to be treated.
Why can't I leave him though
There is a phenomenon called 'entrapment' whereby people don't leave bad situations because someplace in the backs of their minds, they think that as soon as they leave, things will improve. You are stuck. In a rut. And you keep thinking that the solution to your problems lies outside of yourself, specifically now in him. It doesn't but you don't want to admit that because that means you'd have to do the scary thing; i.e. go see a doctor.
Why does this scare you so much, Sarah?
Last edited by moimeme; 11th April 2004 at 11:37 AM..
I know I type the same things all the time. And no I am not getting anything out of being misreable. This is something that I am so used too that it is just hard to admit that I have a true problem that can't go away on its own. I am sorry that I repeat myself so much, I did not realize that it gets to everyone as much as it does and I won't do it again.
I agree with both Moimeme and Clia. I do have tons of options that I don't seem to be taking and that is all because of the lack of motivation and being scared of getting out into my field etc. This is horrible. I hate being like this and have to do something about it. The next time I come on here, I will try to write about something new and different. As of now, these problems are the only problems I face that I know of. And feel like I have no one else to turn to other then comming on the internet and typing out my problems here.
So, I get it. I need help. I need to get my ass into gear and get rollin with everything and to dump this losser.
Longlegz, you have to help yourself, nobody can do it for you, if we could we would, but you seem to enjoy being unhappy and not willing to change, i know what you are going through because i am doing the same thing, except i am taking the steps to fix it. We can only show you the door, you have to walk through it.
Man, the truth really hurts. I don't know why I am so scared to leave or to help myself. I guess I don't want others like my family to know I have really bad problems and the only way I can take care of it is going on medication or going to a counsellor. And I really think the reason why I am with him is so I don't have to be alone all the time. Its company for me and whether it is good company or bad I seem to take it with whatever it comes with. Too, I have been alone for all my life, yeah I had my mother but it almost seems as if she just don't care for me and wants me to be just like her. And I can't do that.
But yes, I am going to get help. I apparently can't do this on my own so I would have to.
It's like trying to will a broken leg to be fixed without getting it set properly. Your family may be the sort of people who think depression is a matter of wrong thinking - though your mom seems to understand, since she's suggested you get help. It isn't. I don't know if you read the thread I put up with the article about the chemical causes of mental ailments. It's just the junk in your body is screwed up. You can't magically manufacture the chemicals you need. Look, if people could just fix themselves easily, there would be no PMS because nobody would want to feel that way - but heaps of people get it and it hits many of them badly. What's it all about? Chemicals. Nothing to do with you, personally.
Sarah, dear, u're making me If I could reach you physically, i'd pack you into a car, and take you to a doctor right NOW. Yes, it's all very scary, but you have only two options - stay miserable for the rest of your life or get off your skinny ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Lose all the 'i dont know why i'm so stubborn', 'i dont know why i cant leave him'. Plz! Of course you CAN, you just don't WANT to. Because this misery is familiar and cozy, and going to a doctor, or actively seeking a job, is something new and risky.
Listen, I didn't want my family to know i was in counselling either and guess what - I DIDN'T TELL 'EM! Wow what a concept eh Much later, when I was ready, I told 'em about it, and they were IMPRESSED. Now, based on my insistance (and it took a lot, she was stubborn like you) my mother is on meds and doing MUCH BETTER.
so come on - get off your ass already. yes, it's scary, but here u've got a whole crowd at LS to support you! so GO. NOW! there's no point in sitting there and hating yourself. once you get past your issues, you'll love yourself for getting the help you needed. I, for one, am very happy with myself for getting the help that *i* needed (and yes, it took me a while to get around to it, too).
Originally posted by yes
Sarah, dear, u're making me If I could reach you physically, i'd pack you into a car, and take you to a doctor right NOW. Yes, it's all very scary, but you have only two options - stay miserable for the rest of your life or get off your skinny ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Yes exactly, i kinda need that too, but yeah do something about it.
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Does my mom want to see me happy in life....
That, you don't need.
If I could reach you physically, i'd pack you into a car, and take you to a doctor right NOW. Yes, it's all very scary, but you have only two options - stay miserable for the rest of your life or get off your skinny ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! 
Much later, when I was ready, I told 'em about it, and they were IMPRESSED. Now, based on my insistance (and it took a lot, she was stubborn like you) my mother is on meds and doing MUCH BETTER. 
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