My situation:

- His separated wife lives in another country. He is still legally married to her. He says it's of no importance (the piece of paper is meaningless). She separated from him because she had issues with his ex-wife, mother of his first 3 kids. He said that the only good thing that ever came out of that relationship was a son (they have shared custody); that having that child was a mistake; that the past 2 years have been stressful; that he wishes he could turn back time.

- He met me and we were together for 5 months.

- He had a trust issue: he had an UNFOUNDED lack of trust in me (that I would cheat on him). I never cheated on him.

- He broke our relationship up because he saw ours going down the drain and his wife wanted him back. During the past weeks he had drifted a bit. I thought he had forgotten his trust issues with me. But they resurfaced lately, and so did his wife. They were in touch and "there might still be feelings for each other" (his words).

- They were separated for 5 months before he met me.

I'm trying to deal with the pain.

[SoleMate]

This does sound awful. It is a familiar story. Married people, even those with seemingly huge ash heaps of bitterness and anger between them, do have a funny way of coming/staying together against all apparent probabilities. I'm trying to think that this shows the power of love, or loyalty, or some such, but in my darker moments I consider it one of the tragic realities of family life in the industrial world's third century.

On rereading your story, I realize this guy has two other women in the picture, besides you, and four kids. Wow! Bellhop, bring the big cart, that's quite a load of baggage!!

[Arabess]

Your situation is as common as the pain. That's what makes it all so crappy. What you thought was 'special circumstances' wasn't special at all. It's called part of an UGLY story between a married man who chooses to lie and the woman who will always be in love with who she THOUGHT he was.

The pain will cut you like a knife. SURELY the person you so trusted would not do this to you. What about all his words of love, committment and GAWD all the empty promises???

Regardless of your story......you are a part of one of the most cruel statistics on earth....ANOTHER Other Woman believing the lies of an AssClown.

You aren't alone though....MANY care and share your pain!! I am so sorry about what you are going thru. All I can tell you is that it DOES get better........but it'll be awhile before you see this.

PM anyone on the OW threads or me. It's gonna be okay. The hurt will subside eventually!

Arabess

[TZ]

Thank you both for your replies. BTW, I was the original TA, but I've now officially registered as TZ (my hands slipped on the keyboard).

The incident all happened in a restaurant a couple of months ago. We had been dating for 2 months at that time. I felt a guy looking at me while I walked by and naturally I looked back at him and our eyes locked for about 2 seconds. It was meaningless. My bf was ready to break up with me right there. He said that ever since I looked at that guy "in that way" at the restaurant, that he’s had issues with trusting me. Since then, he felt the relationship was never the same. I said that one thing is perception and another reality. He thought that the incident was an indication of me cheating on him in the future. A few weeks later I had to explain to him that it was nothing and it was not an indication of my feelings towards him. I wasn’t seeing anyone on the side because I felt that he was perfect for me; I didn’t need anyone else to fulfill me in any way. I wasn't dating anyone before I met him and remained exclusive with him throughout.

We had a lot in common. We finished each other's sentences and mirrored each other's thoughts. We had similar values. We laughed at the same things. We had fun together, even doing the most mundane of tasks--cooking, shopping, watching TV, listening to music.

My friend says that he’s dealing with issues of insecurity. I told him that the second time he wanted to break up with me. He took a little incident and blew it out of proportion in his head. I told him that not even the greatest force in the world will make that go away. But I should have also told him that the only way for it to go away is if he makes it go away. It has to come from within him. I should have told him that. And I should have repeated to him that he has insecurity issues, which translate into jealousy and control.

He told me once, early in the relationship that if he ever has any inkling or feeling that his woman is cheating on him, that he would break up with her immediately, even if he has no proof, and may God forgive him if he's wrong.

There were a lot of incidents that surfaced his lack of trust in me. From wondering who I was talking to on my cell, to wondering why I didn't have my cell on me all the time, to having to call him giving him details of my work schedule (meetings, etc.), to wondering why I wouldn't answer my cell on the first ring, to going through my cell contacts (I guess to see how many male names were there--I had to explain them all, even the ones who were male cousins or work contacts).

We are both in our 40s. I don't have kids. He has 4. I was willing to overlook a lot of things because of the love I felt for him and because of the love I knew he expressed towards me. He was unemployed for about 4 months of the 5-month relationship and had just started working at a temporary job until something better came along. He wants to get back into his profession, but he has no income to get started. And he has to support 4 kids, one of which is 18 months old and he is currently taking care of. He has no money, no savings, no nothing. He is starting from scratch all over again. I asked him if his lack of income created a strain in our relationship, and he emphatically said no.

I am trying to deal with the pain. It really, really hurts because I loved him so dearly. I told him that I loved him two days before he phoned me to break up. I made him feel good that day and I thought everything was OK. I forgave him for all his past attacks towards me. I was willing to let go of bad experiences and focus on the good and talk things out.

Thanks for hearing me out...