i was wondering if i could get some of your opinions...

my fiance and i are planning to get married next year. the thing is, in trying to make a guest list, we have run into a problem... both sides of his family.
his parents recenty got divorced and openly despise each other so neither side talks to the other anymore. to be truthful, i don't want either of them at the wedding because i know it would just be awkward and awful and the main focus would be the "fued" rather than my fiance and i saying our vows.

the thing is, i want my family there. and they would like to be there as well. but how can i have mine there and not his? he feels the same as i do. we don't want both of his families there, and if we choose one side over the other, i know there will be hell coming from the side that wasn't chosen. please help! any suggestions?

thanks

[midori]

That's a tough one. I think I would handle it like this: make your wedding plans such that no one from his side of the family is involved in any way besides attending as guests. Don't ask them to be responsible for anything, not even something small like picking up someone from the airport. Don't ask them to pay for anything. Have your fiance keep his parents, individually, abreast of the general plans ("the wedding is set for xxx, 2004. The ceremony will be at xxx, and we're going to have a small reception immediately after at xxx's house"). If they ask if they can help, politely decline. If they insist on helping, politely decline.

Send them invitations just like anyone else.

A day or two before the wedding, your fiance should have a word with each of his parents, privately. Something to the effect of "Mom/Dad, I'm really excited about the wedding. I'm a little bit concerned about you and Dad/Mom being all right with each other for a few hours. Of course we won't be seating the two of you together at any point, and while we've done all we can to diminish the potential for awkwardness, I just want to make sure that you're going to be all right during the ceremony and reception. If you think that it's going to be too difficult for you to be in the same room as Dad/Mom, while I'll be disappointed that you won't be able to share this with us, I'll understand if you decide not to come. I want you to know that you shouldn't have to feel trapped into being in the same room with her/him if you really don't think you can stand it."

By leaving them entirely out of the wedding planning, financing, etc., you minimize the burden to them, and you also minimize the leverage they have. Make it clear to them both that they will be most welcome and honored guests at your wedding, with the sole stipulation being that they should only come if they'll feel comfortable doing so. Don't offend them by suggesting that you think they might behave poorly -- even though that is really what you're afraid of. Just let them know that you're aware of how things stand between them, and that you have taken all reasonable steps to ensure that the wedding isn't onerous for them. If one or both of them think it will be too much for them anyway, you will have given them an out.

If you're still very worried, perhaps your fiance has an aunt or uncle, or a grandparent, or a sibling who can quietly be given the task of "keeping an eye on Mom" or "keeping an eye on Dad." If things start heating up between them, the appointed chaperones can step in and guide them, seperately of course, outside to cool off.

I wouldn't have a wedding to which only your family is invited -- or you may find yourself the new target of venom from his side of the family. Just step lightly around their mess as much as you can, without making it obvious that you're doing so. Your graciousness (or lack thereof) will set the stage for your relationship with your in-laws.

Your concerns greatly resemble those of my own, I am getting married this month and like you my fiance's parents are divorced and both remarried and can't stand to be within the same vicinity of eachother but it is your resonsibility to invite them regardless, if you put it out there then the ball is in there court to attend or not and if they choose not to then there's nothing you can do other than your part in inviting them. I agree with midori that they should not be allowed to contribute in any way only to have their prescence at the event. In my case we sent out invites to both parents and fortunately they are both attending, this day is about you and your soon to be husband and being adults I'm sure they can put aside their animosity towards eachother to celebrate your day....Good Luck!

[Bubbles]

I have to say that midori just gave the BEST advise that I think I have ever heard. I wish I would have known how to handle my own similar situation 20 years ago. Wow, my wedding almost turned into WWF.

If I only would have known that right words to say......it would have been the best day! As is turns out I don't even have a picture of me in my wedding gown with my parents. That's something that I will always regret.

Do not give it any second thoughts! Use midoris words and advise. It will work.

Send out invitations to everyone. Do not exclude any-one that would have been invited if the parents did not divorce. That is wrong! I think most people understand that your wedding day is about YOU .

Bubbles

hello all who replied. i am so much more relieved after hearing your opinions. thank you very much.


tori

[GeorgiaSongbird]

I'll tell you what I did but this might not work for everyone.

When me and my sweetie got married, we sent out invites only to the people we truly wanted to be there. That meant my mother, father and brothers, his family and alot of friends. No one in my mother's extended family (uncle, aunts, cousin, ect) got an invitation. My grandfather got an invitation only because I knew he was bedridden and he would not be coming.

When the news got out, all kinds of "relatives" I haven't seen or heard from in I can't remember how long starting calling my mom, fishing for an invitation. I told her to only say "If you want to know, you'll have to call J (me). Note: they did not call me. I was too busy and too poor (in cash) to be worrying about who I "should" be inviting. It went great. It was a lovely cermony, I have the best memories (even though the A/C went out and it was HOT that day!!).

I say invite who you want!! If his family can not act adult enough to put aside their feelings just enough to be civil so that you and your sweetie can have a special day, then I don't know that they deserve to be there..

Do I think will work IF you still want or care about a quality relationship with his side of the family... Probably not. In order not to burn any bridges.. I do also think Midori's advice is best in this regard.

Good Luck!!!

[spencer]

invite them all and enjoy the fun. this type of atmosphere is all the more interesting to watch.
don't go out of your way to accommadate everyones emotions, you'll drive youself completely nuts. their adults, let them suck it up and behave.