[arcadia]

Hey, i am new to the boards and have a question about some things that have been bothering me lately. I am 22, my boyfriend is 30, and we have been together for 7 months. We were best friends for quite a while before that. He has been divorced for almost 2 years now, and was married for about 4 years. He has no children. His wife cheated on him and left him broken hearted.

I know that they remained in contact for a while afterwards for what he says is to "keep things civil". But his conversations with her only made him upset and angry. By the time we started dating, he had told me he wasn't in contact with her very often anymore. I never really cared before, because i know that it was a hard situation for him and i try to be sensitive to that issue..

But as our relationship progresses, little things start to bug me. And i don't bring them up because i almost feel like it isn't my place to do so. i feel almost like an outsider to the whole situation. Things like her emailing him and still calling him by all these pet names. and her calling him when she needs advice and him talking to her for an hour about it (and then refusing to tell me WHO he was talking to). I even find it slightly irritating to constantly find her old things still in the house, after 2 years. but, as i said, i feel almost ashamed to feel these things because i know i couldnt understand how hard it was to go through something like a divorce... but...

Am I wrong in wanting him to cut her off and move on? Am i wrong because i want to pretend he wasn't married before and that i feel very much like the "second choice" ? I don't even know if he has told her about me.

has anyone been in a similar situation? i could really use some insight.

[Arabess]

If you are his girlfriend or ANY amount of time and feel out of the loop.....then something is wrong with the relationship.

I understand you now wanting in 'infringe' on his personal life with his ex.....but I figure once I'm in an intimate relationship with someone....I'll infringe where I damn well please. If he doesn't like it....then he needs to take his sack of secrets down the road to some woman who doesn't mind feeling like second best.

As for his relationship with his 'ex' and all the pet names.....I'd tell him OBVIOUSLY he isn't over her and to contact me only after he is on his way to recovery which means NO LOVEY DOVEY emails. That would piss me off big time.

This is just how I would react. Each person has their own way of dealing with things.

[priscilla]

It sounds like they still have feelings for each other. There really is no need for them to stay in contact with one another if there are no children involved. You should talk to him about it and how it makes you feel. If you guys are in a serious relationship at this point, he needs to stop the contact. He will not be able to fully give to you if he still has feelings for her. Sounds like he may need to get some counseling to get over that relationship especially since it involved cheating.

Arcadia,

This behavior is totally unacceptable. Out of repsect for you, he should put a stop to this. I am 28, was married, now divorced, and would never even think of disrespecting any woman I was in a relationship with by even being in contact with the ex-wife - minus if there were kids involved. I would feel fortunate to have someone who cared enough about me to give me a second chance, not vice versa. There is somewhat of a stigma that follows being married and divorced. You are not in the wrong wanting to have him send her on her way. They WERE married and are NOW divorced. You do not deserve to be a pawn in this. It is very insensitive on his part and should not be tolerated on you're part. Good luck!