Okay. My last post I didn't tell you all about this. My boyfriend got caught with pot, he was sentenced to go to NA. This was before I knew him. The classes isn't helping him at all. He still smokes pot. The other thing is he goes to a pencolastal (sorry if I spelled that wrong!!) church. So, lately he has been feeling he has lost touch with god and the pot is pulling him into this hole. So, he was very vague on the details. So, like I'm feeling there is something missing with this conversation. So, then he keep expressing to me how much he liked me and stuff. I thought he was going to break up with me, but he didn't. Asked him if he need space and he said that's not even it. He won't tell me what is wrong he just wants me to support him in what ever he does, and I feel that is BS because I do not support the pot. So, I feel he has this big secret and is afraid of telling me. Also, he made this wierd decision not to call me in a week after that whole conversation which was wierd. Then he called me today, telling me he just need time to sort out his problems, and now I think I want out of this relationship. I have been honest with him from the begining and one thing he is afriad of opening up to me about, don't want to see what he does in a month from now. So, I just need some suggestions on how to take this. This is the full story now. So my last post was horrible. So, I hope this one is better.
Originally posted by Darkangelism
Tell him if that he loves you he needs to stop.
That's one of the worst things you can say.
If you love him, you will help him stop. Get him into treatment, organize an intervention, make him realize how he's hurting himself, and his relationships with others--his family, his coworkers, you, God...
Originally posted by Darkangelism
i wasnt saying not to not help him, i was saying that, he needs incentive to stop.
Right, but if you give them the classic, "If you'd love me, you'd stop"--it has a reverse effect. Primarily, it will make him withdraw from the relationship, because no matter how strong of an emotional devotion he has to his partner, he has a CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY on THC, and given the ultimatim he'll either withdraw from the relationship realizing that his cause is lost, or he'll simply lie, and think he can save himself by hurting her. Additionally, it makes HER the victim, seeing as how she'll suffer from his actions, or lack thereof.
Chemical dependency is not just a lack of willpower, incentives like this are not neccessary, rather he needs actual treatment, which she'd be better off helping him into by making him realize how his addiction has hurt himself and the relationships with the people he loves and people who love him.
Whining about love scapegoats the issue, and puts the entire responsibility on him, which isn't conducive to his recovery; He needs help, ergo, he needs to be helped--do you get what I'm saying?
Sheer blackmail..........If you love me you'll jump off of a bridge. ........Blackmail
As long as your still around he'll think that you still love him other wise you wouldn't be there.
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i was saying that, he needs incentive to stop.
I've lived with men with additions and they only quit if THEY want to quit. Unfortunatly it is usually once they realised that they have nothing left. They have hit rock bottom. Being a failure and loosing every thing that ever meant anything to you is usually the incentive that a addict has to go through.
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No matter how negative a situation, is it always gives you a postive, you just have to be open enough to find it.
Originally posted by carla
Being a failure and loosing every thing that ever meant anything to you is usually the incentive that a addict has to go through.
This tragedy is due to people not knowing how to help an addict, not because the true way to recovery is more pain.
Bottom line, he's going to need treatment. You cannot cure addiction, you can only control it. You can be an alcoholic without ever taking a drink of liquor. Some may assert that the way to cure it is to go so far down that the only way to go is up--but they neglect to note the hundreds of thousands who never get back up.
This tragedy is due to people not knowing how to help an addict, not because the true way to recovery is more pain.
From my experience and from a the experience I had with a friend who went through the same with her husband
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Being a failure and loosing every thing that ever meant anything to you
was the result of an addict that refused help b/c to them the problem is not with them. They have not admitted that they have a problem. This is the 1 st step that has to be reached in order to get help. You can't help someone that refuses help. The only thing you can do in this situation is either leave or get councilling for yourself to help you deal with this issue and help you cope better.
Don't they recommend that addicts in treatment stay out of romantic relationships for a year or so? Worked for me.. we got back together and the relationship became far deeper than it ever could've been.
Basically, agnf, it doesn't sound like your relationship is strong enough to make it through his issues. I mean, if he's trying to make a heartfelt confession to you and all you can think about is how it affects you: "are you breaking up with me?" "do you need space?" you're not going to be able to support him. Supporting him doesn't mean supporting pot. I mean, I could be misinterpreting wwhat you said, but to me, being told that pot is pulling someone I know into a hole and they are feeling spiritually out of touch doesn't sound at all like they are asking me to support their bad habits.
If you care about him enough to stick through this - and it's going to be rough - you'd consider becoming involved in his treatment. Ever heard of this? http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Originally posted by carla
From my experience and from a the experience I had with a friend who went through the same with her husband was the result of an addict that refused help b/c to them the problem is not with them.
I wasn't challenging the validity of your statement, just expressing my dismay at it. Primarily, there are ways in which recovery can be recognized without hitting rock bottom, and it's dangerous to NOT step in when someone you love is put through this--as there are many who NEVER escape.
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They have not admitted that they have a problem. This is the 1 st step that has to be reached in order to get help. You can't help someone that refuses help.
I totally agree with you.
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The only thing you can do in this situation is either leave or get councilling for yourself to help you deal with this issue and help you cope better.
This isn't entirely true, search online for intervention programs--these are people who can recognize the impact of their dependency if you facilitate that recognition.
He has hit rock bottom, I do not support the pot at all. I will support him with the god issue, I will attend an NA meeting with him. I do care about him , an dnot myself. I think he needs to get his priorities straight rather then getting involved in a relationship. I know I have been thinking alot of my self, but he hasn't told me his problem. I can't give someone support for something I have no idea of what they did? We have only been dating for 2 to 3 weeks now, so our relationship isn't all that strong, I wish it was!!!!!!
We have only been dating for 2 to 3 weeks now, so our relationship isn't all that strong, I wish it was!!!!!!
My suggestion is to not be in a love relationship with him and just be in a friendship relationship with him. Be there with help and support, be a listener when he needs one, distance yourself where romance is concerned. Until he gets his life straightened around. Usually when someone is in a romantic relationship with an addict this other person can't help but to be dragged through the gutter with the addict. Don't let this happen to you.
Originally posted by agnf666
He has hit rock bottom, I do not support the pot at all. I will support him with the god issue, I will attend an NA meeting with him. I do care about him , an dnot myself. I think he needs to get his priorities straight rather then getting involved in a relationship. I know I have been thinking alot of my self, but he hasn't told me his problem. I can't give someone support for something I have no idea of what they did? We have only been dating for 2 to 3 weeks now, so our relationship isn't all that strong, I wish it was!!!!!!
If you don't think about yourself and your needs, no one will.
You have only been together a couple of weeks. He has an addiction that needs treatment. Starting a new relationship may be the wrong thing for him right now, and starting a new relationship with someone who is already participating in an activity that is against your own moral code is wrong for you.
IMO - split now. You can tell him that you are sorry, and that maybe someday when he gets his life in order you two may meet again, but right now the relationship is not good for either of you.
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