Hi all.

Just yesterday my girlfriend and I broke up. Today, in sadness I scour the internet looking for answers. Instead I find this website and all the advice along with it. I've been browsing here for almost an hour, and I realize that in fact, I read to follow the stories (the sagas if you will) of your lives, in hopes that some will end in happiness, hoping my own future experiences will parallel those stories. It turns out some are good, some are bad, and some left unresolved. So I begin my own thread, meant to be read as a wiki-diary of sorts. Feel free to post your advice and input, add to the character of this thread. I hope it gives me some peace and to all the hurting souls reading this now.

And so we begin:

Some background:

I am 27 years old, the father of a beautiful 4 year old girl. My Fiance and I broke up about a year ago. It was very upsetting to me, but I was never truly in love with the mother. We get along great, and have equal 50/50 custody of my daughter. I recovered over this breakup, with the help of counselling in about 4 months. For 2 months I reconnected with life and friends and was very happy. My life was ready to accept another.

Then it happened. I met someone. She was beautiful. Never have I felt this way about anyone. We became fiends and lovers. She is 32 and a single mother, but the most caring, wonderful and beautiful (inside and out) woman I have ever met. She has baggage from a former abusive relationship, but I wanted to help with that. Since that experience (as she admitted to me) she tends to run from relationships at the first sings of a problem. We spent wonderful time together, and our daughters go along very well, despite the age difference. We enjoyed the same things, and had the same goals in life. She convinced me of her love, and told me she has not felt it more for any other.

After 5/12 months of bliss, family problems crept up on her. Her sister (who lives 2000 miles away) got a divorce, and fell into a depression. Her father went out to rescue her, but fell ill while doing so (mild heart attack). During this time her mother also fell ill and underwent surgery. Eventually her father and sister made it home, unharmed, however he has suffered two more mini attacks.

I remember the night she got the first call from her sister. Things were never quite the same after that. During the next month, our relationship fell into a decline. You know the feeling you get when you look at your partner in the eyes and there is nothing there? That's what I mean. We struggled on for the next month anyway, but the distance between us was too great. She was emotionally shut down. The following is the email I received yesterday, and we talked later on the phone, and decided it was quits.


Guess you have felt my stress and my coldness lately... I'm not trying to be
that way.

**** [my name], I've realized that until my life becomes a little less stressful (my
family things... I mean my Dad had a couple of more minor attacks last week
and it upsets me) I can't take on anything else. I really can't. I've
thought about it every way that I can to try to make it work and I just
can't ... I have way too much responsibilities on my plate and I've got to
decide what I'm going to do career-wise. I just cant' do it all anymore,
and I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. My stress is really
affecting my life, and I don't' want it to affect anyone else's.

I will be home later tonight and we can talk - in person or otherwise.

I'm so sorry that I've yet disappointed and let down one more person down in
my life... that also bothers me to no end. I just feel so responsible for
everyone's happiness and unhappiness... I need to learn to let some if it
go...



So here I am. I feel that she is reaching out, that we are at a cross roads in our relationship. She can either continue to withdraw inside herself or accept me in her life completely. On the phone, she said part of the reason for the breakup is that in this time or crisis, only her blood family feels 'safe', and that she doesn't have confidence that anyone else outside that blood can ever love her completely, unconditionally. I told her I could. I know that I could, too. But she cannot believe it, and shuts down.

This is the first installment, stay tuned...

[tattoomytoe]

well important to let her know you are there if you need her, whenever.

I let her know I would be there, no matter what, in any capacity.

Well, today went by with no contact. I spoke to friends about the situation and have plans to go out this weekend with my friends. The only problem is the bar we are going to is a favorite of the ex, and a band that she likes is playing. I'm nervous that she will show up. I've asked my buddy if he'd leave with me if she showed up, but I'm wondering if I should leave at all. I mean I want to give her her space, but I also don't want to give her the idea she's kicking me out of my hang out spot either. What does the forum think?

[tattoomytoe]

it is no ones spot, it is a bar. so if you want to go , then go. Besides girls are usually the ones that will not go somewhere cause they might see you, and she might be the one to leave if you get there first.

unless you are just going cause you think she might be there. and you think maybe she will talk with you, at least she will see you, and you will see her. And if that is the case... then NO DO NOT GO. but if she is there then that is probably the same basic reason she is there. it's a stupid cycle...and the only way not tioo start it is by not going there.

No, I wouldn't be going because I think she will be there. It was not my idea actually, a friend brought it up, and a bunch of them are already going. The only reason I am second guessing my decision to go is that I know she likes that band, and has about a 40%-60% chance of being there. But at the same time I don't want to exclude myself from having a good time with my friends, but then I don't want her to feel like I'm crowding her... Decisions decisions. Anyway, is that a better explanation as to my motivations? Clear as mud huh? :P

[tattoomytoe]

well i was just makin sure. in that case go have a good time- if you really think you will miss out.

Well, this morning I received an email from her. It mostly talks about me getting my stuff out of there, that makes me feel bad, but I kinda saw this one coming. On a positive note, she is inviting me and my friends to go out to the show with her (the band she likes). As it is, she has no idea I planned on going to this show anyway with my friends. I don't know what to do, how to respond, or even if I should respond. It's only been 4 days, and I don't think she would have contacted me unless she needed some things I have and I needed some things she has. Please, advice needed! Below is her email to me:

<EMAIL>

How are things? I hope you are feeling better today.

**** [my daughter's] clothes are still at my house... along with other things. No rush,
but I did think you may want to get those. I won't be home tonight because...

*detailed plans of hers*

...Also, you have my income tax stuff and I kinda need that too. I'm buying a
laptop today so I can start working from home, so I want to be sure I'm
getting some cash back to do that.

Are you off to ****'s [my friend's] wedding this weekend? I didn't realize it was in
**** [location]??? You guys should all come to town and go see **** [the band] after the
wedding. I'm trying to convince my friends to come see them, but I
don't think that is going to happen... oh well. Some time away from
home will do me some good as well.

</EMAIL>


The letter is definately very casual, and I get the feeling that she would not have contacted my if not for the tax papers (I was doing her taxes when this happened). Also I feel the invite is to quell her guilt at asking for her stuff back. Should I still follow up with my plans to attend this show, knowing now that she will most likely be there? Should I email her back? Right now I feel so sad I'm emotionally shutdown and exhausted, and I just don't feel like dealing with this, however I know I need to get my stuff, 'cause it's the only way I'll know that she is contacting me to talk to ME, and not about other stuff. I wish now that I had no stuff over there and I still got the invite...

What does the forum advise?

[overseas2004]

Why do you have so much difficulty believing that she really meant what she said? (not trying to be mean)

When two people really love each other they do not run away at the first sign of trouble in anyone's life. I don't think that she is having trouble trusting or reaching out. I think she doesn't want a relationship now like she told you.

It is not my intention to be mean... just realistic.

[HokeyReligions]

I didn't read your whole post. I just read your title. My answer is "no".

The couple that breaks up and the couple that stays together can both have true love. Just because a couple breaks up does not mean that the love they shared was not as true and as powerful as the love a couple who stays together shares.

What 'conquers all' is not love, but strength of will and sacrifice and knowing ones self and ones limitations and what one will accept.

Maybe it's me. Having been betrayed before, maybe I'm the one having trouble believing what she is telling me? I do love her, and I want all the best things for her, even if there's no place for me. Having said that I really WISH there may be room for me one day. Right now, I just really want to spend time with her, to be there with her, and I so want to spend Saturday night with her and take her up on the invite. But knowing that she is looking for space and time, I don't want to put her off by being there, because there is the possibility (in my little head) that she is making the offer to help me feel better.

What do you think everseas? (BTW, absolutely no offense taken, I really appreciate the help)

Do you think she needs me to be there with her, even though she is breaking up with me? It's not that I don't want to do it, I just don't want to invade her space. Also who do you perceive as running away? Her or I? Maybe I'm the one running, even though she ended the relationship. I would like to believe that, but on the phone she said that because of all the stress (was her best guess), we had lost it. She was upset about it, but it makes me think that maybe this breakup isn't JUST about her stress, but more about her feelings for me.

Or maybe I'm just insecure bacause of a really painful past experience of being betrayed.

Ugh.

Well, this weekend I stopped by Saturday morning and got my stuff, but not all of it. She said there was no rush, so I'm hoping that's a good thing. I went out with my friends and had a pretty good time despite missing her. This morning she emailed me again. She mentionned about her trip not going so well, but wouldn't give me any detail because she said it was too much to get into over email. Is that a hint that she may start calling or even start hanging out to speak to me face to face sometime soon? Or maybe that is just wishful thinking. I hate analysing things to death, so I'm trying not to... just laying faith in the forum.

[firefly_76]

Hi people.

I hope everything is going well for you folks out there in loveshack land. I'm just posting some of my random thoughts and updates.

Well, I never did email her back about my weekend yet, nor did I contact her to find out about hers. I thought her email was hinting for me to call, but I don't want to take that step unless I'm sure that's what she wants. I think I'd be making her feel worse rather than better if I called now.

However, I am curious about what is going on with her. I care about what happens in her life, and like to see her happy, and I want her to feel that too. I'd like to be able to do something for her, so that she doesn't feel obligated to do anything back for me, but I want to do something that will put a smile on her face. The trick is how to do that without making her think 'oh, now I should call him'. That's really not what I want. At this point, the separation feels good, because I'm not feeling pressured to talk with her (although I want to), there is no obligation. Everything I do now I do because I CARE. And I care and do without expecting in return. It's really a liberating feeling.

So now the question becomes... what to do?

I will have to be something where there is no contact. I was thinking a plant or flower, because it is now spring, and she doesn't have a single plant in her house, and I will leave it on her doorstep. Something that will bloom and grow and bring a smile to her face day after day. Maybe a living plant that blooms, something local that says 'spring'. I will sign my name to it I think, just so that she doesn't get freaked out that there is some stalker out there sending her anonamous gifts.

This way:

1. She does not have to call
2. She can chuck the plant if she wants without hurting my feelings
3. It might just put a smile on her face!

I think it's a good idea. Any thoughts?

[Leikela]

No offense, but I think you're thinking too hard about your situation. Stop analyzing everything to death. If you want to call her, then call her. Stop worrying that your every move will somehow negatively affect her. Just don't smother her and you'll be fine.

[firefly_76]

You're right Leikela. I've just followed my instincts after reading your post.

I bought her flowers yesterday, and brought them to her. I didn't expect her to be home. She was casual, and happy, it seemed like she was holding back a bit though. I felt like she was looking at me a lot, like staring, it felt good. I didn't stay long, as I had plans. She had a big smile on her face though.

Tonight, just three hours ago, she called to talk about some paperwork I did for her, I suspect it is a bit of an excuse. She came to meet me at the mall. She said she needed to give me some papers (which she did). She mentionned at the mall how the flowers were a big pile of guilt sitting on her table, because we didn't work out. I said I'd take them back, or she sould throw them out of she wanted... but she said she was going to keep them. We had good eye contact, and I feel there is something there. She told me about her weekend and the stuff her friends are going through. All of them are breaking up. She mentionned that she was thinking that's probably why she doesn't have faith in relationships right now. I took this as an opening to bring up some things.

So... right then I said that this seems weird. Talking like old times, but different. Just then she looked differently at me and told me she felt the same way. She asked me what people are saying to me about the breakup. I told her not too much, as I've only told my family and a couple of friends. I asked her the same, and she says she is not really talking about it at all with anyone. What does that mean I wonder?

Anyway, when we left, I asked to speak to her sometime about things, since we really didn't get closure or even talk things through. She said alright, so Sunday we will go out for a meal or a coffee and talk - no distractions. She wanted to talk while walking the dog. She is trying to avoid something, either her feelings or just being around me. I am guardedly optimistic, but she still is different, still hiding her feelings from me a bit. How I wish for the days when she was open with me and shared all her feelings! I can only hope...