I have been reading on Abandonment Recovery (book by Susan Anderson), and wondering if anyone has gone through therapy, or is attending group meetings on this? I have abandonment issues from my childhood and would like to hook up with people who have been through the same thing.

[Arabess]

There are several regulars on LS who could certainly identify with you. I hope they post and are able to me of encouragement to you.

My children's Dad left them several years ago with no contact for YEARS. I also worry they will become adults with a great many issues to deal with.

Good Luck to you JustVisiting. I think I'll get the book just to read up on this painful issue.

[Fancy]

The Journey From Abandonment To Healing is by far one of the best books I've ever read, and probably the most helpful. I would highly recommend it to anyone. It made me realize that 99% of all the stupid mistakes and stupid choices I've made in my life all come back to my abandonment issues. Knowing the cause set me on the right track.

JustVisiting, I've been to counseling over this but have never attended any kind of group therapy thing. If you ever need an ear, feel free to send me a message.

Thanks Arabess and Fancy for replying. Since the break up of my recent relationship, I have been seeing a spiritual counsellor with some success. The Journey from Abandonment has been very insightful for me. When I look back at my teens to today, it seems like I am always getting over someone or a relationship. Now in my early 30s, I am so tired of hanging on to people, situations that only end up feeding this type of "addiction". It is to the point where I don't know how it will be NOT to have something to hurt over.

In my head, I know that I am an amazing person, with a lot of great qualities. But getting my heart to accept and feel this is another thing. So this is what I am trying to deal/process/cope with. Has/is anyone going through the same thing?

[Fancy]

I know exactly what you're going through! I could have written those words myself. I'm also in my early 30s and sometimes feel that I'm unable to have a normal, functional relationship with anyone due to my inability to trust. I feel that I'm trusting by nature but when you've been let down, used, and betrayed so often, it tends to make one a bit cynical. When I was in my teens and early 20s I found myself very clingy and needy. Now it seems I'm the opposite. I tend to retreat quite often and "shut down" as my husband calls it. I have an easy time talking to people on a superficial level but it's extremely difficult to form close attachments because I just know the shoe will fall just as I'm getting close and comfortable.

I've improved on a lot of levels, but I still have a long road ahead of me. One thing I've been able to do is to rid myself of most of the toxic, unhealthy people in my life (i.e., my mother, "friends" who use me, people who only call when they want or need something, etc., etc.). That's helped me tremendously.

My problem with close friendships is this: I feel if I open my heart up to a friend and let her know my innermost thoughts and feelings, I'm only creating an arsonal for her to attack me with later on. I had some horrible experiences with "friends" betraying and exploiting me and I'm loath to open myself up to people, although I truly crave a close girl friend. I'm extremely picky about who I choose to hang out with and I tend to dismiss people without giving them a fair chance if they commit the slightest infraction. I know it's totally wrong, but I'm hypersensitive to mistreatment now. That's something else I'm working on.

I could go on and on, but I better stop now. I don't want to sound like I'm too neurotic. LOL

Good for you Fancy in getting rid of toxic people, I am slowly doing that myself. It is not easy....that's for sure.

In terms of friendships, I am lucky in that area. I have a lot of support around me. My issue has to do more with relating to males. I am the first to admit that I have difficulty in trusting them. From past experiences, I tend to internally question their motives, feelings, and sometimes actions. I am afraid of getting too involved in case I get hurt. And yet I put my heart into the relationship hoping that THIS TIME, it will be different. I shake my head when I hear myself saying that. So I hear you on the "other shoe dropping" because I think that everytime I start seeing someone. Wondering when the crap is going to start. It is a crazy way to think that's for sure. But for me, it is chronic.

Yesterday I had a tough day. I missed my ex soo much and started internalizing on why he left, what's wrong with me, etc. And yet intellectually, I know that he has alot of emotional garbage to deal with, and that he tends to bury his head in the sand. I guess in the book, he can be seen as "emotional candy" and I still miss his presence, i.e., suffering from withdrawls. Do people jump back and forth in the different stages while they are in the healing process?

So the whole head vs. heart thing is my main problem. Somedays, my heart aches so much that I panic. That is when I pull out my book and remind myself what is happening.

[Fancy]

Yes, many people jump back and forth during the healing process. You'll read that in tons of threads here. It's very normal to have good days and bad days. One thing I noticed about myself is that times when I'm having "bad days" and missing someone, if I search a little deeper I come to realize that it's not the person I'm missing but someone or something else from long ago. Sometimes it's just more convenient (in a way) to focus on the ex rather than get to the root of what's truly causing you to feel unworthy and unlovable. How long ago was your breakup?

We officially broke up 9 months ago. The relationship lasted about 7 months. It was short and intense. We started living together about a month or so into the relationship. At the time, we were both so happy and couldn't believe how awesome we related. I was apprehensive at first because it seemed to go pretty fast, but like I said before, I was hoping that THIS TIME, it will work out. So I threw my heart into it. It felt soo good to have someone who wanted to be with me.

About a month before we broke up, he decided to go on a roadtrip as he wasn't having any luck finding a job. I was the main breadwinner at the time, and I can tell it bothered him. Every cell in my body wanted me to scream, and tell him to stay. But I thought that if I did, it would push him farther away. So I supported his decision and prayed for the best.

Before we became involved, he just left a common-law relationship in which they shared two small children. He assured me when we started seeing each other that he will be honest in what is going on with her, the kids, etc. Also, that he couldn't go back to that relationship as it was a difficult one.

Needless to say, while on his roadtrip, I found out through mutual acquaintances that he was trying to get back with his ex. Having him leave was devastating, but to find out that he was trying to reconcile with her without telling me just added to the pain. He barely called while away so I had to break up with him via email.

The love for him is still there, but to have been disrespected in that way, reminds me that he is someone who is not able to be open and honest. That was my first time living with someone and the memories of a year ago are still fresh in my mind. I remember him repeatedly telling me that he loves me, even spoke about marriage, making a permanent commitment. I shake my head now because I know that he isn't able to do that, not with me, or anyone. Not in the truest sense. After our break-up, people have told me he has cheated repeatedly. And from what I understand of their relationship, it is a codependent one. To hear that explains alot. It does ease some of the hurt, but not all of it.

I find myself jealous now because they moved back together, and have the "family" again. That was what I wanted for us and feel ripped off. I think that he has her to go to, and I don't have that type of partner. I know I am a great woman with a lot to share(the head thing again). People see me as a bright, happy, independent young woman with a great job, future, and outlook. Many don't understand that I am a scared little girl inside who has been hurt, disappointed, and betrayed too many times.

I freeze up when it comes to men. The thought of having to go through that again scares me. I want that emotional closeness, and yet I am afraid of it. The Journey from Abandonment to Healing has made me see that I am not the only one who has this affliction. All of my relationships have been me trying to attain emotionally unavailable men. Trying to support them while they are having a tough time coping with different areas of their life. Thinking that my love and support will make everything better. Then, it is over and I feel abandoned. I ask myself why they didn't stay, why didn't they want to try harder to make it work.

I do question myself, my own judgement on how I allowed this to happen. What's inside me that keeps bringing these situations and people into my life? Why am I the one who has to be the "stronger" one? Why do I have this need to focus on the other person's problems? Why am I afraid of NOT having anything or anyone to be hurt or worry about?

I know with my ex, it is not my fault. He did what he did. I understand that I do have some responsibility. And this why I am here, looking for advise, strength, support, etc.. This post is longer than I expected...lol.

[Fancy]

When I read your words I see so much of myself in them. Believe me when I tell you I know exactly what you're going through. I was hurt deeply by a man too. The circumstances were a bit different, but he told me the very same words your guy told you. The next thing I knew, poof, he was gone. It left me raw and ragged and to this stay I still bear the scars. I can tell you, it takes time. A lot of time. The good news, though, is that you will heal from this and you'll be smarter for the experience.

I feel like I've allowed people to squeeze the very best out of me and then toss me aside. I am determined never to let that happen again and like I said before, I'm very, very picky about who I hang out with and share myself with.

I encourage you to read this book over and over and really gain an understanding of why you've made the choices you have. When you can recognize it and catch yourself doing it, you'll be able to put a halt to it before you get hurt again.

Thanks Fancy...it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who has been through this type of experience. I have been carrying Susan Anderson's book with me everywhere. There are times when my feelings overwhelm me and I start to panic. Like the other day, I missed him so much, I miss his companionship. Luckily my best friend talked it over with me. And she helped me bring things a little more into focus. I have to keep reminding myself that it is going to take time, and what I am feeling is normal. I fall into that mind trap of "just get over it already and move on". That seems to make the situation worse.

When I look back at my past, whenever there was a falling out with a friend or boyfriend, it was usually me who would make the first move to reconcile. I thought by doing that, I am a good person, even though deep down I am still hurting and looking for their approval. Like I am being abandoned again. If we resume the relationship, then it means that I am a good, forgiving person. Some people have hurt me so deeply and yet they don't make the first move to talk it out. Now I have to get out of that approval-seeking habit of making the first move. I need to remind myself that it's okay not to go after them in order to make myself feel better. It's so hard I tell ya.

Which exercises in the book have you found the most useful? At the moment, I am looking to get in touch with that sad, little girl inside. She tends to run and hide when I want to talk...lol.

[Fancy]

Are you speaking of the "making a new connection" part? If so, I think the most helpful for me has been stepping outside my usual experiences. I still have a tremendously hard time opening up to people and there's no way in hell I'm ready to share my innermost thoughts with someone new. I don't see that happening for quite a while. Reading through Stage 3 and Stage 4 was beneficial for me because I seemed to go back and forth between the two for a long time.

I really feel that keeping busy in a great healer. Missing your ex is totally understandable but being active allows your heart to heal faster. That's been my experience, anyway.

I find I tend to go back and forth between Stage 2 and 3. There are times when I feel like I jump all across the board and then back again...lol.

I have been pursuing interests with more gusto lately. I attend the gym with a good friend of mine about 4-5 times a week, I am taking on crafts, and just being open to any invitations, opportunites that come my way. Spring is here so that is another good motivator to get up and do things.

I know there will be a day when I run into my ex, I just want to be on strong emotional footing by then. Being able to come here and vent or ask questions has helped alot. Friends and family have been trying to fix me up but my heart isn't into it at the moment. There are things I want to learn and figure out before I get back into the dating game. I always figure that God will bring me someone when I am ready.

[Fancy]

Yes, He certainly will do that! There's nothing wrong with being alone for a while and doing a little self-discovery. The last thing you need right now is to enter into another relationship and start repeating your childhood actions again. I think you need time to understand yourself and why you're drawn to this type over and over again. Until you're able to understand if fully, you'll never be able to discern between the good and the bad with men.

If and when you see him again, I think you should have you head held high, give him a big warm smile and keep on moving! If it's over, it's over. There's no need to reopen any wounds. You'll be proud of yourself for doing so.

Last night I was looking back at my childhood to find what brings on my feelings of abandonment. I realize that it wasn't a particular incident, but many small ones. Like a small ball that has been building and building over the years.

I am the caboose of eight children, and my parents were still young (mom was 26, and dad was 33) when I came along. I am now 33 and the idea of raising eight children is scary. So imagine how my parents felt with that amount of responsibility, especially without all the conveniences of today. Also, both my parents came from homes that had spousal abuse, problem-drinking, cheating, and abandonment. I am slowly understanding why they haven't been able to give me all the love and support while growing up. They have been so mixed up in their own emotional baggage and didn't realize that they are passing it down to us. I have to thank God for my life, I could have turned far worse than I am now.

For the moment, I am gonna let this new understanding sink in. All my life I have been sitting with arms stretched out, waiting for someone to love me. But now I am starting to see that if I become dependent on another person for love, then I will be disappointed. Like I have been all these years.

What realizations have you made during your journey of healing Fancy?

[Fancy]

Well, one of the things I've learned is that if I don't love myself, no one else will love me. I was abused and neglected a lot as a child and was denied some of the most basic and simple needs as a human being. I realize that I can never get any of that from my parents. My dad is dead and I have absolutely no contact with my mother.

One thing I wanted so badly when I was in the second grade was a 64-count box of crayons (the box with the sharpener in the back). I never asked for much because I knew I'd never get it, but those crayons were an exception. I wanted them like I'd ever wanted anything before. I begged and begged my mother to buy me a box and she flatly refused. I appealed to my dad but he just deferred to her (as usual). Their flippant attitude made me feel like I wasn't worth the $1 those crayons cost.

Well, a few years ago, I was in Walmart and came across those crayons. I opened the box and inhaled the scent of them. It hit me then that I could buy a box now. Heck, I could buy the whole display! I put them in my cart and they now sit, unused, right here on my desk.

The moral of that little story is this: You can't make others love you, nor can you make others give to you what you've lacked in the past. However, the good news is, you can love and nurture yourself. I've learned to do things to treat and pamper myself......i.e., going to the gym, getting a pedicure, getting a new haircut, etc. I'm now doing what I can on my own to nurture and love that little girl inside who's still starving for love and direction.