My husband and I have been together 15 years, I am now 32. I found out about 13 months ago he was having an affair, with someone I know. He has since ended this and promised never to do it again. Blaming his drug addiction, which he has recently went to treatment for. However, while he was in treatment my sister in law told me of another affair he had even before this one. When confronted he came clean. Is this a pattern I should walk away from or should I play it by ear because of his new sobriety?
I feel so betrayed. I have not brought it up to him since he has been home but when I look at him I feel so hurt and angry.
I dont know.. I met someone in recovery and theoir behavior did not change, she had said how bad her marriage was, physicakl violence, and she end up cheating on me numerous times, Im sure her using and drinking played big factors, but, everyones situation is different
For many years, 2alone, I excused and forgave my husband for certain behaviors. I blamed it on the alcohol and drugs, and convinced myself that if I could just get him well, the REAL man would surface and things would get better for us and our family.
He was finally successful in his recovery, but what I discovered was that certain habits and other rudimentary personality traits (like habitual lying and emotional despondence) DID NOT go away with sobriety. Some of these traits are inherent with those suffering with addictive personalities and/or become so habitual that they become ingrained.
I put up a darn good fight. Fifteen years to be exact! Then again, maybe I was just stuck in my own cycle of denial. But I can not say with any certainty that this would be the case with everyone, so I dare not make any general statements. However, I think its safe to say that if someone has never known their partner when they were sober, than they really can’t know for sure who that person really is at all.
Only time will tell. Meanwhile, perhaps some indivdual counciling for you may help you with the transition. I needed help regaining "trust" and was grateful for all the advice and feedback I received.
Last edited by EnigmaXOXO; 21st March 2004 at 12:43 PM..
Is this a pattern I should walk away from or should I play it by ear because of his new sobriety?
Run , don't walk. Sobriety has nothing to do with fidelity. Sober people cheat.
I suspect your husband has had more than two affairs. He sounds like a serial cheater.
You've been with him a long time --you're entire adult life. Perhaps it's time for you to declare your independence while your marriage is on life support.
I hate to admit it, because the last thing I like to see is a marriage crash and burn, but I think Zara is right.
Addictions go hand and hand, and seldom does a person just suffer from "one."
If your husband has had several affairs, then it might indicate yet another addiction. Fortunately, for my husband, I didn't discover his infidelities until after I filed for divorce. If I had learned of them earlier, I would have never stuck it out as long as I did. I would have been gone and saved myself all the time, trouble and grief it took to reach the same end. But I'd spend the money all over again for the counseling sessions I received, because it helped me to become a stronger person and gave me skills I later applied to other areas of my life.
Whatever you decide, I wish for you the strength, endurance and peace of mind to live a happier, healthier life.
There are some people who indulge in anything which makes them feel good, whether it be drugs, liquor, sex, etc) totally disregarding the feelings of the people in their life. Until THEY chose to make a character change....usually this type of person will never make anyone around them happy. They live in an IT'S ALL ABOUT ME world and use one vice as an excuse to participate in another vice. They seldom take total responsibility for anything...... or change.
Then again, a 15 year old marriage deserves some consideration and willingness to work at it. I probably wouldn't.....but I think MOST people would give it a chance if they thought the problems could get addressed and the relationship could find a new happiness.
Good Luck in whatever you decide to do. Keep posting and let us know how things are going for you!!!!
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Is it a pattern or was it the drugs?
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