I have been married for 4 years now. I have been with my wife for about 10 yrs. We have been together since we were kids. One thing that has been missing is passion and intimacy in our relationship. I never realized it was missing until it was too late. Well about 1.5 yrs ago, I met someone else. in the beginning it was just a fling, but it became something more. We eventually fell inlove and the passion and intimacy was the biggest thing with us. I am stuck in a situation now that I dont want to be in. I realized being with this other woman, that intimacy and passion was missing. We eventually broke it off. I do stillmiss her alot. She really made me feel loved and showed me passion that was the greatest thing. My question is was it real? Can I ever find this passion and intimacy with my wife if we stay together? I wish I could but just dont know how and what to do. I have read others saying that you need to force yourself and act and pretend. I just dont see that as working. With this other woman it just came natural. Everything seemed to come more natural with this other woman. I dont want to be stuck in a marriage where I cant have these feelings. They are important and unforunately I just realized it.
I didn't really 'get' passion until after my marriage ended so I know how you feel. I think you can create it with the right person.
Give <URL removed> a try. They have a lot of information on rebuilding marriages.
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I can only share with you my experiences. I too, had zero passion and intimacy with my husband, (partly because he was abusive) but regardless, as we all naturally do, we "look for it" in other places. Men as well as women, need the closeness and intimacy part just as much as the trust, love, and committment. So - I met someone that I'd been talking to on the internet. My husband found out after a few months and to be honest I was relieved - FINALLY I was free and could be with the one man who I would have honestly called my soulmate. THe connection was unimaginable - the sex was tremendous and very passionate - we just "merged" when we were together. So I got divorced and planned to move in with my new found soulmate. As usual - things started popping up, about his selfishness, about his being a workaholic, about his constant need to judge people, that made me uncomfortable. But - being that I'd found my "soulmate" I shrugged it off as just a human fault.
Finally in June of 2001 I moved in with him - across the country with my 5 yr old son. Well - unexpectedly - I got pregnant. My "soulmate" already had three kids and didn't want more. The little warning signs (selfishness) I should have picked up on - surfaced - he threw me out with my 5 yr old son. We had sold our house and had nowhere to live. Here I was - thinking I was leaving to find my "true love" and when it all shakes out - I realized that true love is made - it's worked at - its not just some magical force that makes two people click.
No matter how much passion and love you feel for the newbie - the really long haul - the 50 yr anniversary people - WORK HARD at it. There's a reason why you can have passion with one person and not with another - any many times that reason is YOU! Think about it.
Wow, Thirtysomething. It's awesome of you to post your story to serve as cautionary tale. I'm very sorry that things have not gone well in your life. But your future lies ahead, and with it, your true destiny. You now know something that many people never learn so I am sure your next relationship will succeed.
Passion and intimacy fades if YOU let it in any relationship. The reason it came so natural in the relationship you had is because it was new. Once the newness wears off in any long term relationship, the passion can fade (therefore so can the intimacy).
Eventually, that passion and intimacy would have faded in this relationship you were having...the sparks fade and die down after a while, it's the nature and course of relationships. People that have affairs are drawn to the "magic" they've lost in their existing relationship.
All I can suggest is that you have to put forth the effort with your spouse. Talk to her about it, and make it a joint effort.
If it's something you don't think you can achieve with your spouse, then you need to seriously question whether or not you should be married. If you are drawn to the passion that you benefit from with the onset of a relationship, then it's unrealistic to think that you can maintain a long term marriage/relationship without looking elsewhere for immediate gratification.
Passion comes naturally...it can't be forced or created.
I have been with passionate women where we could never keep our hands off each other, we were so close and it felt so wonderful and right...but for some reason or another these romances ended.
With my wife there is little passion. We sometimes go months without having sex and weeks without touching or kissing each other. We have tried to be physically closer and add passion but it just doesn't feel natural.
I ache for that feeling of being madly in love and longing to hold a woman that I am crazy about...but odds are I will never get that opportunity again.
Originally posted by soserious1
Anybody here feel that "working at it" is a lot more effort than it's worth?
Yes, sometimes it is. But working at it is necessary, b/c as most of us know - jobs, kids, extended family, home maintenance, bills, the list goes on & on - all takes away from the time we once had to spend being intimate & passionate before all those other things came along. It takes work and an effort, from both partners, to make intimacy & passion a priority - it's usually still there, way down under the surface, you just have to give it the time it needs to bloom again.
Seems that 'forbidden fruit' is more exciting than the one who's always around, whom you know all too well. Whom you see everyday for years in every way, unshowered, mussy hair, in the bathroom. When you've long stopped working to look and be special like you did when you first met. Back when you were always on your best behavior and trying to look good and impress and it was a new and exciting. Plus ther'es secret excitment of getting away with something and keeping a huge secret between you two only. The grass is always greener isn't it?
sorry about the cliches but if the shoe fits........
Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell were interviewed about their relationship, which has been going on successfully for many years. Goldie said she never walks around nude - that way they don't get bored with seeing each other all the time. Thought that was kind of interesting.
Great topic... I could feel passion for my wife - she just seems very uninterested and cold. The "untouchable" fruit seems is very enticing. Having any kind of passion only once a month is killing me. I've expressed this to my wife and she gets defense (too tired, kids, shopping, house cleaning, church). The bad thing is I truely don't think she misses it at all and is fine with the way things are@!
I'll keep communicating with her, but she doesn't understand that it's important, to say the least!
cool topic.. !! My ex and I were together for nearly nine years and at times it would all get very mundane and I can very much associate with some of the wives that were just too god damn tired or quite frankly could go without it.. sometimes i would rather have a long hot soak to be honest..
but we talked about it as it used to bother my ex when i would get like that and decided that every year be it a long weekend or a week we would go away for a "passion fuelled" break.. if there was no passion before we went away there certainly was when we got back from our breaks.. and it would seem to get us through the year till our next break..
I guess my point is you both have to want to keep the passion and excitement going and work at it .. anything worth having is worth working hard for..
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was that corny - or what??!
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