[MsBlink]

I wrote about this before, but now I truly see that I'm having a GROWING problem towards marriage. I think I've developed a sincere phobia when it comes to marriage. However, my phobia isn't the stereotypical fear of commitment--I have no problem with commitment. Nor is it the fear of if I get married, I'll be with the same person "forver" and singles have more fun--it honestly doesn't do with that. My fear comes from my marriage not working at all. True, this is a common fear with many people, but what makes mine so sad is the fact that I have no good examples to follow.

My imediate family have all been married more than once and I watched many of them deal with the heartache, embarrasment, and stress of divorce. I figure, I can deal with a break-up much better than a divorce because I didn't get up and vow my soul to them in front of God. Why spend all your money and energy on a wedding and living together and stuff only to end up hating each other in the end? So many people get married thinking they're in love, then realize that they truly weren't and want out. It's painful to break-up, but a divorce just seems so much worse (depending on the situation).

I really want to get over this fear and I don't know where to start. I got a feeling that the person I'm with now is who I should be with...but I had that feeling with my ex-boyfriend who is no longer my fiance too. Where should I go for help? How do I deal with this and work on releasing the fear?

If you got tips, I'm all ears...

~MsBlink

[jmargel]

I am engaged now, but was engaged to another woman before. She crushed my heart and after our breakup I didn't trust anyone for years. My fiancee now has shed a whole new light on things. We are getting married in August and everything is going great except for an ex-bf who keeps bothering her.

Anyway, life itself is a risk. Unfortunetly life doesn't come with an instruction manual, nor can you predict the future. There are also no guarantees in life. Who knows, you might not even be around tomorrow. So it's either take the chance with the hope that you have a wonderful future together, or don't and face a lonely miserable life.

Half the marriages now end in divorce and the main reason is because of communication. That's something you can always better yourself on. Also never get too comfortable with your mate to the point you take them for granted. Both me & my fiancee have an open communication and tell each other everything, even if it seems insiginificant. Also learn to listen to when your mate tells you something. There's a reason why they do.

Try not to worry too much about the future, don't let fear dictate your life. Showing this fear could make your partner nervous, etc.. and might assume something else is wrong.

Everyone has doubts about getting married, that's normal. If you can't imagine your life without your partner in it, then you know those doubts have no true substance to it.

That's true that family effect the way we are as adults...
I had a bad childhood, I am an incest survivor, but I recognized what you are recognizing, that I need some help sorting these issues in my mind, I found a therapit I am going twice a week, and let me tell you something; It Works!
I feel MUCH better.

Go to your local college/university they usually have sliding scale fees so it won't be so expensive.

[InmannRoshi]

It works either way.

I have a good friend who's parents have been happily married for over 35 years. He said he's never even seen his parents fight. He said they cuddle on the couch while they're watching a movie like teenagers. They stay up at 2 AM talking (and I have to wonder what two people who have been together for 35 years have to talk about at 2 AM).

He's deathly afraid of marriage because he claims he's seen first hand the type of committment it takes to make one work. He also said he thinks his parents marriage has set him up for some unrealistic expectation of marriage that very few actually ever find or achieve.

I think it just proves that people will always find a way to blame things on their parents for something. Either you deprived them or you spoiled them. You neglected them or you smothered them.

For this reason, I'm deathly afraid of having children.