[Herzeleid]

My boyfriend of almost 5 yrs recently confessed to cheating. The 1st time was a few years ago and the most recent was 3 months ago. He had sex w/ 2 different people (once each) and kissed a girl. He told me that the reason he confessed was that he wants to be w/ me forever and wanted to give me the choice of staying w/ him or finding someone else. I love him very much and can't imagine my life w/out him. The thought of me being w/ someone other than him makes me sick. He told and promised me that it will never happen again because he loves me and wants to be with me. It is always in my mind, no matter what I do. I want to forget, but I can't. I have so many feelings built up inside that range from anger to embarrassment. It has been a month since he told me and I am starting to slowly heal. I know it will take a long time, and I know I'll never forget it. But I love him and want to make this work. How do I begin to trust him again? I don't have anyone else to talk to because I know that they would not agree w/ the fact that I stayed w/ him. How do I get rid of these mixed feelings inside.

[Confused123]

I can relate to you to a certain extent. I was in a relationship that lasted five years. It is a long time to be with someone and I used to imagine my life without him and it made me completely sick.... We were actually engaged for about a year also. I broke up with him about 5 months before the wedding. He did not cheat on me. However, he was being very inapporiate with a women at work, having dinner at her house and stuff. However, I am almost positve he did not cheat, but in my eyes in my have well has. Cause he was mentally cheating on me...

So, you have decided to stay with him... Hmmmm, I am not sure I could look past him being with another women. However, that was not what you asked advice on. I imagine if I stayed with him, what I would feel like. My issue was the fact that the trust was gone. Relationship are bulit on trust and you if are going to stay with this guy and need to learn to truat again. This is his department, it is his job to make you feel secure again... Just be careful, if he found comfort in another womens arms, there must be somethingl acking in your relationship. You need to find out what that is.... really understand WHY he cheated, make sure you keep your eyes wide open. I really wish you the best of luck.. It is no easier to leave as it is to stay... Good luck....

[morrigan]

It's going to be tough, and it will take time, but if you want to work through this and choose to be with this guy, you're going to have to trust him when he says he will work out his issues and will not cheat on you again. I've never been in your situation either, and to be honest, I don't think I could stay in a relationship with him. But if you feel he is being honest and that you two can work past what has occured, I wish you the best of luck.

Has he ever honestly told you why he cheated? He needs to, as of this moment, not engage in cheating again, and to be honest with you if he's unhappy with the relationship. He needs to focus on the issues that caused him to cheat on you, and to prevent or acknowledge these feelings before he makes the choice to cheat. If possible, can you two go to therapy? I think you should also both go to your local public health department and get tests for STD's--maybe I'm being overly concerned, but your physical health is a greater priority than this relationship.

Don't spy on him, don't snoop through all of his things. Don't cling or be so insecure that your self esteem corrodes. Be open and loving, but if he ever cheats again, that should be the dealbreaker.