[Nique del Zoolio]

Hello everyone, this is all new to me, please stay with me.
I write this drunk.
I've never been drunk before.
But basically I have been with Fran for 2.5yrs. At the 2yr mark we both went to different universities in England. It became long distance. I've always had a problem with women finding me attractive, for some reason it makes me feel uneasy.
She has been my first everything - even person to hold hands with.
I think I wanted to fall in love.
But sometimes i have been rude to her in the past.
But now its all i can remember.
I am a very rational person (which pisses me off) + I reckon that i have missed her to the point that its not nice, and thus my brain tells me i never really liked her that much.
But my heart says - hey, Nick, remember Tenerife? The way she smiles?
I am being pulled in different directions.
I am so rational that i feel that she will always love me in a much more passionate way than i can give her. This is not fair on either of us.
She has become part of my past. We live 300+ miles apart.

Recently i've been writing a book on an inner-journey, and its taken me back to when i was a little **** of a kid (i blame myself for all my family probs, no matter what they say - now i am 19) + i feel that the little **** is still within me, and i need to confront it,
can i be with her when i feel like this?
should i conquer my inner-**** on my own?
why can't i feel the way I felt back then.(at college).
I feel embarrased at the thought of being with someone else, and i know that i will never have as strong a relationship with anyone else again like this.
but are these not the wrong reasons for being together?

[meanon]

Hello fellow Brit, Legless Nick

Big night out?

Your post is interesting but rather confusing. Maybe it took Dutch courage but now you've made it here you may need to clarify when sober. Or maybe you are this confused all of the time

I can't figure out if Fran is part of your past or if you think maybe she should be.

i know that i will never have as strong a relationship with anyone else again like this.

That's a hell of a good reason to stay together. The differences in personality seem theoretical, are there any practical problems they cause? If not forget them. If it's a problem for her she will tell you.

The distance between you is a problem. When I went to Uni I noticed that most relationships ended in the first term, those that didn't seemed to survive as well as any. I think you'll know if it becomes a problem.

Most people feel embarrassed at the thought of someone new, I would. It's not a reason to stay or to go.

Good on you for sorting out your family problems - why does that affect the relationship either way?

All in all I'd say you are looking for something, lots of things to worry about. Chill. If you want to see her and be with her then do it. If you don't enjoy being withher then end it and seek advice if you find it hard to form new relationships.

The student years are SUCH fun. Enjoy

[Nique del Zoolio]

I have always tried to keep her seperate from the rest of my life.
I wanted a fairytale + i have not given that.
every now and then i start to feel guilty about stuff
yesterday i wrote a letter to my parents apologising for eveything in the past - they called me + told me that they had completely forgotten.
I want to be able to solve world hunger and save lives.
I felt that my relationhip with Fran was holding me back,
but i've come to see that its my past.
Its the way i have acted in the past.
I have to confront it.
I am doing that, but i fear that in the future she will remind me of it.
of that guilt
and i can't afford to regress back to that stage.
i need to make a difference to help the world, but i resent anything that seems to hold me back.
It aint her, its me.
Its that i spend my time worrying about her + not about the millions in Africa.
why am i all of a sudden so ambitious.
is it just a phase. should it be. shouldn't i want to solve it.
I feel that she, to me, represents a shield stopping me, but really its me who stops myself.
coward.
but i don't feel that bad.
I don't
I need to move on.
Imrove myself, use my feelings for her to spur me on.
to act with greater dignity.
use her love to love others.
should i do this alone or with her help?
am i a coward - or am i facing up to my big fear.
do i need to be alone?

[meanon]

I just can't tell if you need to be alone or not. It seems to me, and you have said as much, that you are using the relationship to avoid focusing on what's really bothering you. You worried about your past and your parents have said there is no need. I suspect that you worry about the relationship and if you were to ask there would be no need - why don't you ask?

So what is the problem? To me it seems there are three:

You are worrying far too much
You are disturbed by your past
You have hopes and dreams for the future but feel you are unable to realise them.

I think you have started at the right place, dealing with your past. Find people to talk to about what is bothering you. Loveshack, friends, if you are still at Uni the counsellors are well experienced with these sort of issues and are generally very good. I would avoid making any hasty moves about the relationship yet, until you are more sure of what you want. You may regret it and waste energy you need to spend on dealing with your past by trying to get over a break up you have decided you do not want. If she seems a real barrier to progress, or says she needs more than you can give, then you may need to act now but from what you've said this does not seem the case. I'd also avoid depending on her too much while you sort yourself out, unless you are sure you want to stay with her.

Has your past always bothered you this way or is it recent? The title of your post seems unrelated to the content. If you love your girlfriend, stay with her. If you hate yourself do something about it, there are some excellent self help books and there is a high success rate for treating this (I can recommend cognitive behavioural therapy). Whatever method you choose, this is the start of the self improvement you mention - then you can get on with whatever else you want out of life as a happy person, at ease with himself and his place in the world.

Good luck.

[Nique del Zoolio]

Your right.
I can do this.
Thankyou.
I just feel it comes down to a wish not to need anyone,
but the answer to that is not to become a recluse
the way to face up to my problems
is not to fall apart in the regret
but to act
its what i do now that decides what kind of person i am.
I feel we have grown apart,
but what does that count for?
people always have seperate lives
its what they do together that makes a relationship.
its what i can do with other people that will make me.
you really have helped.
we'll never meet,
and you could be any stranger on the street.
I'd like to think that I could treat every stranger the way I would you have I
then I really will be the man I aim to be, in the world he wants to be in.

Thanks.

[meanon]

its what i do now that decides what kind of person i am

You are the person you are - caring, idealistic, intelligent.

But you are right, it's how you act now that determines your future. You know what to do and you know you can do it.

Thanks for your kind words, good luck