Hi,
My wife has always felt cheated by our relationship, because (among other things) my proposal was incredibly lame - she was sort of expecting it, as we'd talked about getting married, but I was too self-conscious to even go down on one knee, and didn't really have a speech prepared (let alone a ring). So we started off badly.
Then at the wedding I let my side of the family spoil it, even though we knew in advance that there would be problems. Consequently my wife's convinced that I don't really love her - or at least, if I didn't take the wedding seriously, why on earth should she take the marriage seriously?
Ladies - what can I do to recover? This has been preying on us for over a year now. We even had a second blessing ceremony to try and make amends, but, whilst that was nice at the time, it didn't really make up for things. I suspect something more long-term rather than one-off is needed.
I don't get this. After a year of marriage, your wife is holding many things over your head, regarding your relationship/marriage, and ONE of them is your proposal to you? WHAT? Just off the top of my head, that seems very petty of her. I don't get it. What should that matter NOW, you're married and have been for a year? I think wayyyyy too many women get all hung up on the things that don't really matter. For example, how extravagant the proposal is, how big and lavish the wedding is...when at the heart of it is: the marriage, and the commitment that's made between 2 people to share a life together.
What was the big thing at your wedding, regarding your family, that's left her STILL unable to get over it, after all this time?
What should matter to your wife NOW is the fact that you've married.....not holding past immaterial "stuff" over your head (that's rude and unfair). You obvoiusly can't turn back the clock and re-propose, you obviously can't go back to your wedding day to have it turn out differently...so why dwell in the past?
Does your wife have a habit of trying to make you feel badly about things? Was she like this prior to getting married?
It sounds to me like your wife has her priorities mixed up...and she's working really hard to make you feel bad for things that:
a) aren't really going to have ANY bearing on your years to come as a married couple....whether you have a good, loving marriage
b) are in the past and you can't do anything about.
Sorry, but based on what you've written, I don't "get" what your wife's beefs are about. They sound petty and immature and in the past and unfair to you and surely not helpful to your marriage.
I agree with Befuddled. Your wife is being immature and selfish. What's past is past. You made a couple of mistakes. She sounds unforgiving. It is unhealthy in the extreme to dwell on past disappointments to this extent.
at least, if I didn't take the wedding seriously, why on earth should she take the marriage seriously?
That is ridiculous. She sounds spiteful, too.
Here's what I suggest: give her a present of marriage counselling sessions with you. That's what she needs more than anything.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Then at the wedding I let my side of the family spoil it
What do you mean by you "letting" them spoil the wedding? Does your family still get in the way of things?
From your post, my initial reaction:
Your wife is dwelling on something that might be important to her right now, but in the long-run, it isn't that big of a deal. Sometimes people have a hard time pinpointing what's really the heart of the matter -- could this be the case for her? For instance, complaining about the toilet seat being left up might really be a control of lack of respect one feels from many eveyday actions, not just in the bathroom.
There's a great many things, the proposal being just one of them.
With regard to my family - my parents are separated (sort of - my father lives with his girlfriend and son, but still goes over to my mother's place a lot). My wife found this very difficult to understand, initially sided with my mother against him, but then when she got no support from her washed her hands of the whole affair.
Another thing - in the early days of our relationship I was offered a training contract about 100 miles from where we were then based. I accepted without consulting her - another cause of problems.
Trouble is, I've done an awful lot of stupid things to upset her and make her think that I don't really care. I guess that's the underlying problem, and the proposal is merely one particular tip of a very large iceberg.
So can I rephrase the question - if someone's decided you don't really care about them, how do you show them that they're wrong??
You have to do your very best to quit doing 'stupid things'. Do you find that you do them really often and that you really are not thinking at the time? Has this happened throughout your life in other situations as well?
She married you for better and for worse. If you were together long enough to know each other really well b4 you got married like you should have, then she should realise that in her mind the stupid things you do are part of being you.
If she doesn't love you for who you are maybe she shouldn't have married you.
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No matter how negative a situation, is it always gives you a postive, you just have to be open enough to find it.
My wife says she doesn't have time for couple's therapy. I've been seeing a counsellor myself for about a year now, but she hasn't seen any definite improvements in that time...
One problem is that I can only ever seem to keep one issue in my head at any time - which means I'm always trying really hard to avoid my last mistake, but then repeat the one before. It affects relationships more than anything else - I'm pretty introvert, and shy around people, because I think I fundamentally don't "get" them.
I think she sees the husband's role as providing the "fairy-tale" aspect of her life - is this a common perception?
Obviously I only know what you've written here about the situation, but I think your wife is very wrong in this. First, as someone mentioned, she's being petty, both about the proposal and the wedding day. Almost everyone agrees (unless they're very shallow) that what's important is that you got married, not the day. Most people can look back and laugh at their wedding day disasters.
Second, it sounds like you're admitting your faults and mistakes and getting counseling, while she's just sitting back assessing and judging all your faults. Is she perfect?? I know just from what you've written here that she is far from it - understanding and forgiving are two qualities she apparently doesn't possess.
Third, she's expecting YOU to do all the work on the relationship? That doesn't work. If only one person is working on it, then it's not a relationship. It's you trying to fix 100% of something that you only have 50% control over. If the marriage is important to her she has to find the time to go to counseling.
Someone who expects a fairy tale ending isn't being realistic. Expecting someone else to make your life perfect--or a person thinking they can make their own life perfect--is unhealthy.
It sounds like you have tried to make up your mistakes to her, it seems like she keeps bringing up past resentments, over and over, as a way of making you guilty. If she's unwilling to even address the fact that both of you need to go to therapy together, she doesn't want to work on the problems in your marriage. Does she realize that she's subconsciously saying she's too busy too deal with her marriage?
She doesn't have the time?
The first thing you should do is stop walking around on eggshells when it comes to your wife.
She's not willing to invest any time in couples counseling, when the problem is a couples problem!
Your not at fault...the only thing I see that is lame...is the way your wife is treating you.
Tell her you don't have the word "doormat" tattooed on your forehead.
People complain that I say this a lot, but the incidence of AD/HD is 4% of the population, which means of LS's 6800 members, 272 could have it.
The symptoms you describe are very common to people with AD/HD. Your doing things without remembering to ask her, your 'stupid' mistakes, your inability to keep more than one thing in your head are classic to AD/HD. You also say you don't 'get' people - another major symptom. It's also another clue that a year of therapy hasn't helped. AD/HD CANNOT be treated with talk therapy alone. Meds are required.
Maybe you don't have it, but it would be worth getting evaluated. Your therapist may well not pick it up because AD/HD in adults has only been recognized recently and lots of professionals are unaware that it is possible for grownups to have it. Nor do they recognize the symptoms in adults.
It's a pretty good indicator of whether or not you may AD/HD. AD/HD is a treatable disorder so you owe it to yourself to check this out ASAP. People with untreated AD/HD have huge relationship problems. The failure rate of marriages with AD/HD partners is over 70% because of it.
I was going to suggest the same possibility. It seems like missedthemark has problems focusing as well as multi-tasking. I'm not as familiar with the problem as you are, but a few of those things he said above struck me and that's the first thing I thought of.
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