I have a bit of a difficult situation, both my mother and my sister have confided things to me over something their relationship is strained over. I'm having to juggle deciding how much to reveal and how much to keep to myself.
My mother has been in a long term relationship with a married man. Neither my sister or I like it, but where I would make the best of it and not make any waves with my mother, my sister has chosen to actually avoid going to see her because of her discomfort. (We all live in different states).
The thing is, my mother's boyfriend was e-mailing me a couple of years back and he got very personal and suggestive, and I had to tell him I was uncomfortable with where his topics were going. He apologized and backed off. Then when my sister was visiting my mother the Christmas before last, she told me he was sitting next to her on the couch and kept touching her on the thigh, when my mother was out of the room. My mother admits he's a flirty type personality, but neither my sister or I want to tell her the specific things that happened, to avoid upsetting her, or causing problems in our relationships with her. My sister won't go visit anymore because of him, and this hurts my mother terribly. Yet my mother refuses to alter her life in any way for my sister's comfort either. She thinks my sister is just misinterpreting his behavior. I don't really know this guy all that well, so I'm not sure what he's really capable of or what might be on his mind. Just because my mother thinks he's a saint doesn't mean it's necessarily true.
I can see both sides of the issue, and I feel caught sometimes. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Sometimes I'm not sure how to feel about either side.
Daughters should come before any man. According to me, considering what you wrote,
your sister is in the right. Your mom should take both your sides (especially if there is
inappropriate behavior towards her daughters from the man in her life) no matter what.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
Generally, I can only see the point in telling people upsetting things if I can see a reason. In this case, your mum is upset by your sister's refusal to visit. I assume from your post that your sister has told your mum why. If not, I think she needs to know.
You can only do so much. If your mum is in full possession of the facts and still chooses to stay with this man, then you and your sister have to do what you both feel comfortable with - for you this may mean continued contact, for your sister it may mean continuing to stay away
As a daughter, I would feel hurt in the extreme if my mother chose to stay with someone who had behaved like this towards me and my sister. As a mother, he would be OUT, no questions.
Is your mum quite emotionally dependent on this man? I have, in the past, come across cases where women have even stayed with men whom they know to be abusing their children because they don't feel they can cope without them (not that I'm saying your situation falls into this category). If this is the case, she may need a sympathetic ear to explore her problems before she can make any changes.
We haven't told our mother these specific things that happened for fear of her reaction and what it would do to our relationships with her, but she does know that the man is a flirtatious person. She is very set on staying with him, she bought a house in the small town where he lives and rides to work with him every day. She has built her life around him. I'm sorry to say but since she remarried back in the 80's (then divorced, then found this guy), they have come first in her life. I don't understand it either, I'm a mother too, and I can't imagine anyone coming before my child, even when he gets grown.
My mother is so emtionally and practically dependent on this man that I would worry like crazy about her if he ever up and said it was over or something else happened to take him out of her life. I know confronting her would raise a serious rift in our relationship, and I haven't been willing to sacrifice that. I love my mother but she already knows what she's doing is wrong and she has no intentions of being without this person so there's not much I can do.
If her boyfriend had made an obvious pass at either my sister or I, or cheated on my mother and we knew about it, then I definitely would say something to her. But in cases like this, it almost seems better not to say anything. It's a tough call.
I agree, it's a dilemma. If she's that dependent, it's quite likely she'd refuse to accept yours and your sister's version of what happened anyway.
Does she know that he is the reason your sister doesn't visit? If so, this should be reason enough for her to believe that something must have happened to cause this much distress. If she doesn't know, it might be worth letting her know, as then she is in a position to make an informed choice.
Do you have to take sides? If I were in your position, I think I'd be inclined to tell your sister you agree with her assessment of this man and respect her decision to stay away, however you do not feel so uncomfortable that you have to do the same. Let your mother know that you don't like him and you'd rather she wasn't with him, but let her know you'll be there for her whatever she decides. If she tries to get you to play go-between with your sister, let her know that your sister's decision is one you respect.
If you remain honest, compassionate and supportive to both of them, they really shouldn't put you in a position of having to choose.
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