[newcommer]

I wonder if after reading this you will label me as psycho, deperate or normal. I fell in love with a man whose face I could not bare to look at when I first met. I know I am attractive and intelligent and men often tell me so, but I never date handsome men by choice. This man truly had features that make most people stare at me in bewilderment when I am with him. But his charm over powered me one day and his kiss was too delicious to resist. Now I see him as sexy. Come on help me out here. A man whose face has been damaged by pimples that are gone but left behind craters, whose feet are so uncared for they are just ghastly. Whose head has a huge ugly patch like scar that will not allow his hair to grow around it. He won my heart and now I am the one begging for his love and running after him. Now he does not want me. He says I am wrong, but it is how I feel. Right now I feel overwhelmingly defeated because although the man I love is presently a good friend/person I am dating, I know I have shown him too much insecurity for him to ever look at me as special (even though he denies that).


I fell in love with this unemployed man a year ago, who is still unemployed (I think he is too lazy to seek employment). We met off the internet, and strangely enough had more in common than I could have ever dreamed. I don't worry about his unemployment because he never bothers me about money and always goes out with me never complaining of finances (Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully). Yes I know I lost it. I did lose it. But I just wanted answers as to why the men in my life all become my best friends and I can't seem to get out of my state of lonliness.he refused to hurt me. He swears I am thinking too negatively. I did this because I want to change next time around and know where I went wrong. He swears I could give him $10,000 and the truth is he sees me as beautiful and thinks I am normal and selfless always giving. He agrees I am emotional but says I need no counseling nor medication, nor therapy. He says my life has been surrounded by too many negatives and I only think the worst of myself and situations and I have to understand I am okay). He truly is not like most men. He is not the type of person to walk away form commitment. He is committed to being my friend. Yet at one time I knew he wanted more.


What is wrong with me? Why do I want so much to be a part of his life knowing he does not want me. Knowing not only is he all wrong for me he is all wrong for his kids. His house is in shambles. His place is badly damaged even though it is a house it is simply in desperate need for repair and furniture. His kids are always cutting class and in detention. Even though he is unemployeed and home. Is my self esteem so low or do I just see his heart and his personality and overlook all? He is 15 years my senior. He definately has more experience in most areas than I ever could and this is why he easily manipulates the relationhip to suit his needs no matter how I tell him my desires. I am an educated woman with a Ph.D and have my own money, although I still live with my parents who hate him and won't let him in my house due to the fact he is in his forties and I am 15 years younger. They also think he is trying to damage me because he is white and I am black. He prefers black women although his ex-wife is Hispanic.

Our connection is uncanny. Very, very strong. We met to be travel partners and the connection was so strong we became more. Silly me I thought he was my knight and shinning armor although I am too damn smart to ever before believe a man would whisk me away and rescue me. But he made me believe or hope, and the hope was all in my head.

I was very sheltered and therefore don't always act the way people think young single women should. I am more antisocial and independent than most. I met this man, and we went every where and engaged in so many wonderful activities (Plays, walks on beaches you name it). However, 7 months later, he slowed down all of this and began claiming he had to get into his kids. He has two teenage children he has sole custody of because his ex did not want the responsibility. I never met his kids.I see him, but we hardly go places anymore. Yet if I need him for anything he is there for me. He is always there for me. He has seen me cry rivers begging him to take me out more. I embarrass myself the way I cry. But always he is so gentle and so understanding, but so uncompliant. It is not a relationship built on sex for we do not have sex often.

We talked until we were both blue in the face, he will always talk and always listen and always respond. However, it does not help. Despite our connection he wants us to be friends forever. He is not sure where this relationship is heading and does not feel he knows where his life is headed. I never been in love before. At the age of 31 I never even been kissed by a man the way he kisses me. I know he is my first love although I was in two long term relationships. One for 9 years and one for 7 years. I keep long relationships. He is the first man, I feel like I am a psycho I am so desperate for his love. He loves me, he is passionate and kisses me as if there were no other woman more beautiful. But he is detached. What do I do? How do I move on from a situation I feel lost in? I need to be loved. I never knew that until I met him. I fear I won't find someone who can be as patient and overwhelmingly supportive as he is. i fear I won't ever meet another man who does not make me feel sexually pressured and can understand me as odd as I am. I am afraid of this and really am reluctant to cut the ties and He doesn't want me to cut the ties, only to accept that he needs to figure out his life and can not make me any

"I fell in love with an ugly unemployed man"


well theres your problem. everybody knows you should only fall in love with handsome men with jobs.

[newcommer]

Yeah, but that damn heart

[Wolfie]

First, I don't know anything.

Second, if I were in your shoes, I'd try to make him jealous; make him see how he needs to do something to keep you.

Well, actually I wouldn't do that were I in your shoes; I just don't do much of anything.

[FreeMe]

I think you are too good for this guy. You should stop seeing him. Your self-esteem seems very low and you should get yourself into counseling.

[jmargel]

Seems like you have a passive-dependency on this guy. Which is 'Your life exists only around him'. You could also possibiliy seeking a father figure sub-consciously through him. Looking for his approval. He's not being supportive if he's telling you he wants out. Like the other poster said, sounds like you have low self esteem, and basing your own self-worth on this guy's approval for you.

You need to break all contact from this guy, and start doing things in life that you enjoy. You can't 'fix' him, he needs to do that himself. You should also get into counciling, and also activities that boost your self-confidence, such as martial arts, etc.. Also set short term goals that don't include him.

[Spastic_Gramps]

I agree with FreeMe. You have portrayed yourself as an educated, attractive, and young woman. Despite being sheltered or whatnot you are hooked up with a looser (IMO from what you have said). You deserve and can get a lot better than him. Your uncanny attraction to him right now might be fueled by your need to be loved and not alone (I'm guessing here). Either way your leagues beyond this guy and no matter how shy or sheltered you are, you can find someone whose heart bleeds for you everyday. Cause if his doesn't then you need to stop wasting your time.

[newcommer]

It is so hard to believe in yourself when you allow tyourself to believe waht those in the past have told you. I do have low self esteem I know that. I can travel the world, buy jewlry, keep expensive collections and as a good friend of mine said, "It is only temporary relief to tell yourself you think your special".

I am not sure if counseling can help me. After all your advice is counseling, friends advice can be. Sometimes we know our own dilemas and still have trouble taking action. No couseling can help your fear.

I have never had a healthy relationship. I had men who love me and all the men including him want to be and are my best friends. But a true relationship I never had and would not know how to meet a man or a person to show me. I always go for the underdog. The outcast and then get hurt when they reject me. I know my esteem is shot. Trust me, people always envy me. They think having money and an education is the end all to be all, but I trade it all for a solid and loving relationship.

[kara]

newcomer,
funny how I just posted something about falling in love with an ugly one, right before seeing your post... I really feel for you, I know exactly how it is to look for the person at some corner alone, when everyone else is having fun at the party. But I have experienced unexpected reactions from people when trying to look out for them, they just tell you to leave them alone sometimes and if you look closely you will understand, they have their human pride as well, they hadn't asked for my help afterall.
I would say, calm down. Take time off this person, limit your contact to minimum, as difficult as it might be, just try. You might feel kicks in the stomach, shortness of breath and cry yourself to sleep, but try not to see this guy as often, please don't hate me for telling you this. I am not saying stop loving or wanting him, just limit contact to minimum and try doing things on your own. Finally, I think very important, read about co-dependency (usually a residue from growing up with an alcoholic parent, I am not sure if this is valid in your case).

[newcommer]

NO, I am not offended by your remarks. I on the contrary think your correct. I simply have trouble following that advice without feeling like my world caved in.

You see I am very independent, and very much a loner. However, a loner who likes to have at least two of three friends in my life. No more than that. But even with those friends, I don't see them often so I am alone. My point being, He can easily go without calling me and talking to me. He after all been through and survived a divorce. He has more experience than I could ever have in a relationship. He had more relationships than I have. What he can handle as a father with two teenage children to worry about, I can not. He can't afford to break down or think about me like that. He has responsiblities. So putting a distance between us and not calling I don't think affects him. It only affects me who feels alone and begins to want to talk to him.

I think that is why I am writing. How do I do this? How do I let go? He is a terrific friend and values our friendship. I just know in order for me to break loose of this fantasy we are a couple I need to break free of his kisses and his powerful way of making me feel so wonderful and loved when we are together.[color=darkred][/color]

[amerikajin]

I think this is a classic case of a woman wanting the guy she can't have.

You said you're pretty, so my guess is that you're used to guys kissing your @ss. This one doesn't. This one stands up to you or doesn't get all frustrated and huffy whenever you push him on something. This is the first guy you see on "your level", someone you respect. The respect factor makes everything else about him sexy.

You said you don't date handsome men. Why not? Insecure? Maybe you like average guys because you like being the one with the walk away power. Yet maybe you like the guys who are just confident enough to not feel too uncomfortable in your presence. Perhaps this guy was just more confident and less needy than you ever imagined he would be, and as a result, he took you by surprise and now you want him more than you ever have.

[newcommer]

Unfortunately your very much wrong about everything you wrote. How could I not know from the start he is independent and strong. The man took custody of his kids and raised them into the teen years. He was the parent and his ex bore little to know responsibilities. How could any man like that be weak in anyones eyes? How could any woman? It takes strength and a sense of self to do that.

He is the only man I ever fell in love with. We are equals and I do not enjoy when a partner is not equal to me. I like the power, but I also like giving it. I like taking turns . So I can not agree with anything you wrote at all.... I liked him from the beginning because he had all the things I did not like strength and maturity. In many ways in the beginning I looked at him as the father I wish I had. Then in other ways I felt like his child (he is much older than me and looks older than he is). I later liked him because we were so compatible and shared so much. He is my oposite in all the ways that count. He is positive where as I am negative. His energy and his outlook overpowers my negativity and I always feel so happy around him. I am only sad and miserable when we are apart and I realize things have changed. But when we are in each others company I can not stay upset. It is impossible when I am so happy to be in his company. My problem is I am too deep. Far too deep and it's because when I got to know him I realized he is everything I ever wanted in a partner.

[jenny]

because i am perpetually concerned about money, this frightens me, frankly:

Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully

particularly when it sounds like you do not have it to spare (living in your parents' house, etc)

i see many educated women who are not terribly intelligent when it comes to discerning men who are good for them. this man is not for you. i know that sucks, and hurts, but something is very, very, wrong here.

he is, frankly, not worthy, and your longing for him will only serve to lower you, not uplift him.

this is a very strange situation. i hesitate to write to you, becaue it is clear you are in the hyper-defensive period of love, but your text. is. alarming. i have no information but what you have given me, and i think this is a very one-sided, imbalanced, and problematic relationship. i think you have 'grateful and needy meal ticket' written all over you, and that hurts me to see.

educated women tend to think ourselves protected from the everyday fallacies of romance: we are not. you are not. you are making a big mistake.

[newcommer]

Ah, I think love makes smart people and men and women and all types just do things that they normally would not. The money was because he had hurt me with something he said. He said I was his friend. He introduced me to another female as his friend not his girlfriend. When I asked him about that later on he said he is too confused about his life to make any commitments. I am the only woman he is seeing and wants to see but he does not know what he wants right now. For the first time I really knew I lost him and I got the money because if I die today or tommorrow, and I had a will I would will him and others my money, so why not give him money while I am alive and say, look I value your words enough to pay you, help me understand where I went wrong, what I do wrong and why I am so abnormal. How do others see me? Why is it that all the men in my life have always been my friends and technically I never had a boyfriend, just long term friendships. What is wrong with me? But the money was wasted because he ony had nice and positive things to say about me. The only negative was I ask too many questions and I can be a pain, but he loves me.

I kind of wish he were cruel and hurtful. Then pulling awy would be easier. However he is always so kind. Today my car needed serious repairs and he drove me all the way out to the dealer 20 minutes from where I live and then from the dealer to work and picked me up from work. My car needs to stay over night and He agreed to do it again. Don't ask why my parents are not doing this!!! As much as my nagging should drive him up the wall, he is always so kind. He called me up and said he was at the supermarket and he wanted to know if there are any items I needed picked up. He is not in love with me the way i am in love with him but I know he cares very much for me.

His disposition is always so sunny that it is hard for me to stay pessimistic. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break free of someone you know is not good for you in certain respects, yet they are always trying to show you in small ways how they care. He could have pushed me away. He could have cut me off entirely. He does not. He does not lead me on into thining he is in love with me, but he also does not show he is not attracted to me or that he does not care for me. It is really a hard place to be in. Harder when the person is gentle and passionate and at the same time he treats you like a lady and never oversteps.

Yeah I agree the $200 thing was desperate. I was desperate. I forced him to take the money. I did not want him to give it back although he insisted over and over. I wanted him to tell me things honestly and truly was histerical enough to believe that without that money I could not be certain if he were sugar coating his words. I know that was dumb but I felt my world caving in and....the smartest of people normally are the dumbest and most irrational.

[jenny]

he is cruel and hurtful. he is just better at it than most.

your standards are too low regarding male behaviour. so he does some nice things - so what? this is no reason to be in love with him. as you move out into the world, you might begin to take men doing small nice things for you more for granted - they certainly should *not* occasion love and investment everytime.

so, he wants to be your friend. treat him like a male friend. do not give him any more money. let him call you, chase you, want you. give him him absolutely no more booty, of any kind. he is a loser, you know this, objectively, now live it. it will take some discipline, but use the skills you got in school, the discipline of studying, to decide that this is a destructive behaviour and cut it out. now.

value yourself. you know better.