[starlady]

Dating older men with young kids?!?!?!

Hello to all Im new at Loveshack.org and I am still getting used to it. I really needed some advice on a little problem I have.

Im 21 college student and I just started dating a man fifteen years older than me. First off is this normal?? I feel like I have nothing to hide but I feel as he might have a problem with the age differecne.

He has been divorced for a little over two years and has two kids. Im new at the whole love/relationship things but I feel like I love him but I dont feel like he is puting his all into are relationship. I feel like he is holding back things from me. I guess Im kinda confused because his kids consider me as his friend and he has not tried to confront them about me or our relationship. Is this normal?? Should I be concerned that he doesnt want anyone to know about us,especically his kids??

Like I said Im new at the whole realtionship thing because I have only ever dated one other person and it did not go well. So I dont really know how things are supposed to work. We both call each other but on the weekends I feel like Im the one putting forth the effort to get together and hang out with him. what do I do? Am I doing something wrong? HELP!!!



M )

[Guidette82]

Hmmm, this sounds familiar. I am 21 and dated a 31 year old who had an 8 year old daughter. My advice...NO, you are not too young to handle it..or to de with someone his age...that's up to YOU. It's NOT easy. I fell in love with that kid QUICK..I STILL cry b/c I miss her. That's hard. The thing is, I was staying there b/c I didn't want to lose HER. I wasn't even in love with the guy anymore.
The thing is..it gets to a point where you are like a mother (I don't know where his ex lives or if she is in the kids life, but in my situation the kid's mom wanted nothing to do with her, so she clinged to me FAST) It got to a point where she would ask for ME to tuck her in at night..not her dad. I would do homework with her, and take her to school and to the mall and to the arcade...it can be great...BUT, then there is the fact that you are 21 and he has a kid and you can't go hang out at the bar once in a while...and can't go out past 10 on the weekends b/c they have to be in bed..and can't see "R" rated movies with them. You will become like a parent....I also had to drive to see HIM..he never came here b/c we had to get her in bed early and I wanted to see him longer than 2 hours after work.
My personal opinion is: take it SLOW...go out with the kids and him a lot..so you get a taste of what it'll be like to have them around. Then, just let things happen...but remember...it's not just breaking up with him now..you are breaking up with kids too..and THAT hurts...GOOD LUCK!

[longlegzs80]

Yeah this sounds all too familar. I am 22, will be turning 23 this Wednesday and I am dating a guy who is 37 and has a 5 year old son. Not much I can say about the whole age thing, I don't think a guy would mind dating someone who is much younger then he because it could be an ego thing to him. But, if I were you and just what I am doing is to take everything slow.

[OceanLover]

StarLady,

To generally answer your question, the answer is NO. To answer your Specific situation, only you (and he) can answer that.

You need to listen your heart and gut feelings but you wrote down some of those (feelings) Specifically...

I really needed some advice on a little problem I have (already percieving this as a problem?)
First off is this normal (does it feel "Normal"?)
I feel as he might have a problem with the age differecne. (have you asked him ? )
I love him but I dont feel like he is puting his all into are relationship (DING DING - Important issue...)
I feel like he is holding back things from me
Im kinda confused because his kids consider me as his friend and he has not tried to confront them about me or our relationship (sounds strange like you are a "friend" or he is embarrased or afraid to properly introduce you as he GF - Girl Friend - Good Friend - VERY Close Friend... etc)
I have only ever dated one other person and it did not go well (so sorry to hear but you will and need more "Quality Experiences" to base your future relationships on. )
We both call each other but on the weekends I feel like Im the one putting forth the effort to get together and hang out with him (only talk on weekends? again, you should listen to YOUR "feelings" - we have them as a "sense" and "defense/coping mechanism".

I have dated older and younger and generally it is not any problem but individual cases will vary, specifically where each person is in their life, how they value the other person (and any age diference), children and how you feel towards them and VERY importantly, how they feel about you... In THIS case, you are entering into a FAMILY, not just a relationship with HIM but "HIM and his Children". With that said, I have dated a lot in the age range you describe, "the much younger women" because "We Clicked", I am VERY outgoing and like to have fun and they did too. I find it is natural for a women many times to be attracted to an older man for what they can learn from him, about life, love etc... that guys "their age" aren't very mature, that they feel "more free to be themselves outide their normal social circle" (you have "history and familiarity with social circle friends and young guys [and gals] tend to gossip about their relationship - personal info and intimate details within the "friends" group". I've also dated my same age and older and all were actually very good. )

Both have to put into the relationship (for it to be very strong and healthy) and need to listen to their heart/feeling to make sure it "feels right /cliques" and is "more natural" than "a major effort" to make it work
and last.

I wish you luck with your decision and future (with him or whoever...)

Be well and hope this helped a little...

Ocean Lover

PS: Also agree with Guidette82 and longlegzs80, great posts...

Hey you guys--its not easy to date an older man with kids. I am dating someone fifteen years my senior with two small children (8 and 5) and he's currently going through his divorce. They share custody--but he is far more responsible an caring then his psycho ex. Its not so bad to date someone with kids because it can give you a lot more time, on your own, to complete your work and have a life. As long as he sets up boundaries about your role and keeps communication open. That is key, sharing feelings honestly with intention. In my case--I have never even been around kids for more than an hour. I never MET an eight year old before I met my current boyfriends child. So its a bit of a mind ****--some people can do it, some can't. The trade off is you lose time with them and jeolosy issues arise out of that--the upshot is, you have more time for yourself and are not committing al your attention and time to your boyfriend.

Most importantly, he's got to be incrediblyopen an dspecial to do it----anything less-leave. Remember your doing him a big favor, I believe, by accepting him and his kids so empower yourself.

If I had to date someone again with kids--I don't know, I might think twice--am I glad I have done it--yes because he's special. Thats the main thing---case by case scenarios.