So this is rather strange....... My boyfriend and I broke up last night... that's not the strange part though.... Rewind two months...he told my sister he was going to get me a ring in Feb or March, he was out looking for one, I mean the whole nine yards. I was happy, excited, yet a little scared for the big the step b/c I was questioning him, me and us. I just figured it was "cold feet" so to say, because I truly do love him.
So within this one month period, a house was up for sale that we put in offer in on. (we are both still living at home and he really wants to get out on his own again.) Not the smartest thing to do, however, we figured if we put our money together, we'd have a nice size down payment and lower monthly payments. Note, I wasn't going to move in with him until later in the engagement. There was a good chance that we were going to get the house and this is when I started to feel really indifferent about things but it was due to the way he was acting.
Our offer got refused and that was that.
I still had a funny feeling though cause he hadn't given me a ring. So last night, on our way to dinner, I don't know why but I just decided to talk to him about the house, marriage and so fourth just to see where we stood. Mind you, we've been over all this stuff plenty of times and we've always been on the same page.
So he tells me that he was thinking about getting me a ring but now reality has hit him with the house and all and he is not certain that he is ready for a commitment and doesn't know when he will be ready!! Hello... we've been together for 3 years, he's 34 years old, I'm 25 and he's even told my own mother that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and get married within the next year or two! I don't get it. He said that if it was up to him we'd continue dating for awhile and see what happens. I have to give him credit though because he did say that he knew it wasn't fair to me b/c I want a committment in the next few years and he cannot guarantee that. At this point I was just so frustrated. We talked things through and decided to go out separate ways. We didn't end up going to dinner, he just took me home and when we got closer to my house he said," I think we may have made the wrong decision". I just kinda blew it off and didn't respond. So then we said goodbye, I didn't hug him, kiss him or anything, just plain old goodbye. I could see the pain on his face and he probably could see my pain too.
I don't know how I feel right now. I'm confused, yet, I think deep down, I've sensed this coming for quite some time. I love him to death but if he won't commit, what am I supposed to do? It's crazy though because despite how much I love him and miss him, I don't think I want him back, I'm just so so scared of moving on. Is it really difficult to get back into the dating scene and adjust to being single?
He's 34 and living with his parents? Why? Did he have a divorce? Three years is quite awhile to not living together, considering the ages you are. Don't contact him, he's the one who made the decision. You are still quite young and probably have alot to offer. Meanwhile at his age his options are getting quite slim. There is also the age difference as well. Could be alot of the stuff you haven't experienced yet, he has.
Start doing things that make you happy, don't live your life for anyone else but yourself.
Thanks for your response jmargel. The reason he lives at home is because he switched jobs and took a major pay cut last year. We thought it was a good idea for him to move home for one year to get back on his feet and figured by that time, we'd be ready to take the next step, meaning getting engaged and buying our own place.
As far as he and I living together, I wouldn't live with him unless we were engaged. My family is pretty strict and doesn't approve of it. For the past few years he and I have been trying to save money for "us".
I'm not going to contact him and your absolutely right, basically, he did make the decision, not me.
My mother has told me since day one that he would never committ. I guess mothers can sense these things. I wish I would've listened to her way back when.
He and I both know his options are quite slim, especially since he wouldn't date anyone with kids or anyone who's been through a divorce. But honestly, I don't think it'd bother him to be alone the rest of his life. I think it all boils down to him being afraid of committment. I don't understand, why are some guys so afraid???
Thanks for your words, they were very uplifting.
I'd say he's expecting the impossible, with him being 34 and won't date anyone who's not been divorced or has kids. If he's not willing to commit, that could be just his lifestyle. Do you think he's cheated on you in the past? DId you two actually spend quality time together?
I have a friend who has this beautiful gf, who would do anything for him. This chick is gorgeous as well. They've been together for 3 years, and he still lives with his parents, not looking at any sort of future with her. I've talked to him quite a few times about marriage and he would laugh. Saying 'My racing and my pool shooting comes first and if she doesnt like it, she can leave'. Well guess what, she will leave one day & he'll once again try coming to me to cry about what went wrong.
Some guys just don't have their priorities straight. They are the selfish ones, who only think of themselves. The women who do actually get them to commit, is a commitment only on paper. They'll still continue to do the same things they've done before which includes putting their mate down on their priority list. One day he'll wake up and realize all of the chances he's blown with you. Don't live your life trying to 'help' him, or make him see a certain 'point'. Because by this time in his life he shouldve come to his senses.
Your best way of making a point is to start enjoying life yourself. Show him how much he has lost, and that you aren't going to sit around feeling sorry for yourself or him. He's probably expecting you to come to him crying. He's comfortable with what he has, which isn't enough for you (and wouldnt be for me nor anyone else).
So, let him contact you & be straight with him. If he doesnt like it, then you are ready to move on.
I'm so glad that you're responding to my posts. It's nice to get an unbiased guy's perspective on things.
To answer your questions...No, he has not cheated on me and I am positive of that. As far as spending quality time together-- yes we do, all the time. You see, he works swing shifts so we see each other every opportunity we get. We've vacationed together and everything. We had a great relationship. He was my best friend. Last night, before we called it off he had the nerve to tell me that he loves me, wants to be with me and is still my best friend.
It's just so difficult for me to comprehend why some guys don't want to get married. I was raised believing that you find someone, date for some time then get married and start a family. I guess you're right, it probably is all about being selfish and not having their priorities straight. I can see that in my boyfriend. He is all about himself most of the time.
I don't think it's me or will be any other girl for that matter, like I said before, I think it all boils down to him being scared of commitment and I guess he was just comfortable with us being "us". I asked him yesterday if he was scared of commitment and he said no but I don't believe him for one second, or, maybe he's just so confused that he doesn't even know he's scared. I wish I knew.
I spoke with a friend today who is in a similar boat. She has been with her bf for 5 years, no ring, nothing, only empty promises. She gives me inspiration to stick to my ground and move on b/c I never want to be in her shoes. Yet there's another side of me hurting so bad right now and wishing all this never happened. I'm so torn.
I'm going to take your advise and not contact him. Maybe he will come around some day and realize the mistake we've made. Part of me wants him to, part of me doesn't. He's so stubborn though, I don't really see that happening but I guess if you really want something you go after it no matter how stubborn you are. Hopefully, I will have moved on by then for my own good.
I know that I can find someone else and someday I will. I think I'm just really scared of being alone.
and I forgot to write that you are absolutely correct, I'm sure he does expect me to come crying back to him b/c we had a minor break up last year and initially I called him trying to get back together and he was rather cold. Once he saw me going out enjoying myself, he wanted back into my life. The thing that kills me though is when we got back together last year, I told him that I didn't want to get back together if we weren't working toward a commitment. He said he wanted a commitment, missed me so much, realized the mistake and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Whatever.
Good chance he said those things is because he wanted the comfort of 'you'. Sounds like he's been taking you for granted. Alot of times people get so comfortable with each other, they have a tendency of forgetting the other person's feelings. Sometimes this comfortable level will turn into selfishness & neglect.
I don't understand why he would be so scared to commit. He was supposedly in a commited relationship with you, and marrying is not that big of a drastic change from that. Even if you take the marriage thing out, and had the opportunity to just live together, I wonder what his reaction would be.
Anyway, don't let this relationship turn into a power struggle because down the road, it'll end. A relationship does consists of sacrafices at times and if he's not willing to give his complete heart & trust to you then you are better off without him.
You don't get any bonus points for staying with a guy who doesn't show meaning behind his words when he says he 'loves' you. Actions speak louder than words, and most people don't realize that until it's too late.
BTW, you're welcome, anything I can do, just hollar.
Last evening and this morning have been pretty rough so far. I can't eat, sleep or do anything. I feel so devestated and almost betrayed. I guess I still cannot believe it's over. I miss him so much. Yet, I honestly still don't think I'd ever take him back.
I know I have to be strong but it's so tough to be strong when you're hurting so deeply. I wonder, is he hurting too? I wonder, will he be back? Is he regretting what he's done?
It's driving me crazy to think that he was "commited" enough to stay with me for 3 years, shop for rings 1 1/2 months ago by himself, tell my mother he is going to marry me but then second guess everything when it comes down to the "true commitment".
I'm starting to blame myself and think that it's me. So I'm good enough to date but not good enough to marry? He loves me, has a great time with me and wants to be with me but doesn't know if he wants to marry me? Essentially, he threw away our hole relationship because he just "doesn't know". What an *******.
Three years is a long investment and after something like this it's hard to trust again. I was there once myself. I was previously engaged and while she was making wedding plans she was also flirting it up with my best friend of 15 years. That and along with the verbal abuse & mixed messages I got from her really spun me for a loop. She left & I was in a world of hurt.
I would imagine he's feeling regret and hurt. However now is the important time not to contact him. Otherwise he'll just suck you back into the same routine. He'll then have the upper hand, knowing he can continue doing this and if you were to voice your concern all he has to do is threaten to leave. That's not how a relationship is suppose to work.
Don't blame yourself, and don't base your own self-worth on the mistreatment from him. Nothing you could have done would've changed his mind. No woman out there would have been able to. He's 34 years old and needs to grow up. If he never intended to marry you, he should've said something way before. Not give you false hopes. You also have to ask yourself, do you want to marry someone who is this unsure about himself and relationships in general? I would probably think it would be a rocky marriage if you did tie the knot with him.
Don't think of it as wasted time with him. Learn from the experiences you've had. Alot of others have gone through the samething as you. When my ex left I had a passive-dependency on her. My life was nothing without her (so I thought). It took 2 years to fix myself again. Now I know what 'true' love really is, I'm getting married in August.
There is someone out there for you, someone who would make you truly happy and not make you feel like the relationship is more work than pleasure.
In the meantime here are something you will go through. Trust me when I say this will make you more wiser, and make the next guy in your life one of the luckiest guys in the world..
Death of a spouse or breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship can trigger similar responses in a person. Each person mourns a loss differently. However, there are 5 common stages of grief a person goes through when mourning the loss of a relationship. These were adapted from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, 'On Death and Dying'
You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes an event will trigger you to experience one of these stages again. For instance, cleaning out the basement and finding an old shirt of your deceased spouse or hearing your ex-partner is to remarry might cause reoccurrence of certain stages. The five stages of grief are:
1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.
This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.
2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.
Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family.
3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.
You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change".
4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.
You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.
5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.
Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.
Suggestions when you find yourself suddenly single
Avoid long term legal decisions. If you are in an emotional state its better to put off long term legal decisions until your thinking is less cloudy.
Drive carefully. It’s easy to become distracted when you are grieving so use care when you get behind the wheel.
Seek support for your kids and yourself. If you have kids, your kids are grieving along with you and will need support. It might be wise at this point to have separate grief sessions apart from your children if you're experiencing anger and resentment.
Maintain rituals. The children most likely will feel insecure and abandoned at first. Maintaining the same patterns of holidays, birthdays, Saturday outings, etc. will give them a sense of normalcy and consistency.
Nurture yourself. You need to care for your spiritual, emotional and physical health. No one else will do it but you. Take care of yourself as well as you take care of your child. Eat healthy, exercise and take vitamins. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself as much time as you need to adjust to what has happened.
jmargel-- I want to express my appreciation again to you for responding to me. You must be a great guy. I really don't have anyone to talk to that's not biased. I mean, my family just says that my ex was a great guy but this is probably the best thing for us, and my friends, who for the most part are single, just want me to be single again to hang out all the time. My mother says to forget about him and move on.....easier said than done. I asked her today if she thought he was hurting and she said "No, if he was hurting he'd be calling." Do you think that's true in all cases?
Geez- I think I'm going through all those stages at the same time, I mean, depending on the hour or minute. What am I talking about, I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.
My head is telling me to move on but my heart is still with him. You see, he was my first intimate relationship. He was the first guy that I ever dated with whom I shared everything, everything I had. I never gave so much before in my life. Before him, I always had the "I just don't care attitude" when it came to guys. I had a wall so thick around me that noone could hurt me. Then he came along and taught me that it was Ok to love and Ok to care. I thanked him for it before but now I hate him for it. If I still had the "I don't care attitude" I wouldn't be hurting like this.
A part of me feels that he did have some intention on marrying me and now just got "cold feet" when it came down to it. My brother recently married. I spoke with him at great length last night. He said that when he was in the process of buying an engagement ring he was doubting things with his now wife. He said that he just worked through the doubts and went for it. Now, he couldn't be happier. I wonder if my ex is misinterpreting cold feet for doubts since he's never been close to marriage before. That would suck for him.
Did you have doubts before you proposed either time? Or were you 100% sure that this was it? By the way, I'm glad to hear that you are happy again and preparing for marriage, how exciting!!! Do you have any doubts whatsoever?
You're welcome. I know what you are going through, since I went through it myself. As for doubts, my first engagement I did have alot of doubts, but was excited. We were arguing quite a bit, and felt like I had to make alot of changes to accomidate her. If she wasn't happy 24/7 then I got the brunt of it. It was like walking on eggshells. When we moved in together it just got worse.
With my current fiancee, I knew her a year, but only with her for 5 months before proposing. I had no doubts, and actually asked her a week before v-tines day, which was my birthday. She hasn't moved in yet, and this is the first time she would be living with a man. So I know we are going to have to overcome some hurdles.
Everyone has doubts, that's normal. Its not because of the other person, its just alot to take in. Then some people panic, thinking 'OMG my life is completely going to be changed', or in a sense in someways 'My life is over'. That's blowing things out of proportion when they think that. Those people have a tendency to forget all the great things a marriage has to offer. He is missing out on so much because of his attitude towards this.
I'm sure he's kinda in the dumps, but he is still being stubborn expecting you to call him. By not calling or crying to him, you are standing up for yourself, and showing him how important this is to you. I know its hard not to have contact with him, since it's your natural instinct to. Trust me, he'll call. When he does make it clear on what you want, but then listen to him on why he doesn't want to pursue this next step. If he commited to you in the least, then he would have no problem going to couple's counciling with you.
You sound like someone with a big heart and know what you want out of life. Just take things day by day. I know this sounds cliche, but time does help sort things out. Right now your head is clouded which is normal. He needs to start respecting you and now is the time for him to learn this if you two are to become a couple again. In the mean time keep taking care of yourself. When you start to romanticize him, force yourself to think about the things he did in the past to hurt you. We're all here for you.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I do have a big heart that's filled with love for him. Your right, I do know what I want in life but I've wanted to share it with him for so long that it's impossible to think that I could share it with anyone else. Actually, I don't want to share it with anyone else right now.
Like I wrote earlier, I do not intend on calling him. In my deepest of hearts, I hope that you're right, I hope he calls me. I don't know why, I just do.
We both work downtown and I was driving to lunch and saw him with a few coworkers walking on the sidewalk. I don't know whether or not he saw me but I'm sure he at least recognized my car when I passed by. I didn't beep to get his attention to wave. I just looked over, saw him, looked ahead and continued driving. It sounds so stupid but now I'm thinking that maybe I should have. What's my problem, I'm questioning every move I make!!
It's difficult to focus on things that he's done in the past to hurt me because there are so few. I can only think of 1 or 2 other times that he's hurt me besides this one. All in all he was a good boyfriend and someone I was willing to spend the rest of my life with.
I do have one question for you......I have some important financial papers of his that he will someday need. I know I cannot call him so would you suggest just holding onto them until he remembers I have them or should I just mail the papers to him?
Personally I would probably mail him the papers. Holding onto them is holding onto a hope in some sort of way. Like I said before he will call sooner or later, but how the outcome of the call is hard for me to say. Do you think he may have some interest in someone else? What were the other things he's done to hurt you? One or two might not be much in quanity, but depending on how he hurt you it could mean other things.
You will question every move you make, but no matter what YOU do, its upto him to make the decision on committing himself to you. I can guanatee he's starting to do some thinking, wondering why you haven't called or bargained your way back into his life. Its upto him to decide whether his love for you is more powerful than his pride, selfishness, and the inability to commit 100% to you.
Hang in there. I might be a complete stranger to you, but things will work themselves out for the better.
I think I am going to mail the papers. I have to construct some sort of letter to him explaining the work I've done on them. I promise, I'll stick to the facts of the documents and no lovey dovey things (ha ha)! You're right though, holding onto them is like holding onto some sort of hope. I also have a CD of his which I think I'm going to stick in the mail along with the paperwork. Maybe that will wake him up a little and show him that I don't want to hold onto anything of his. Maybe he'll take it as a sign of me being done with him.
There is no concern in my mind that he is interested in someone else. If he was, I know he would've told me and if he hadn't told me, someone else would've. We live in a very small city, everyone knows everyone and he works with some of my relatives.
You see, he is very, very picky about girls he dates. Before me, he had been single since he was like 25. I mean, he'd date every now and then but he hadn't had a real relationship in quite some time before me. I know that he has always been very particular about who he dates ie... attractive, smart, domesticated, someone who hasn't been around the block, no kids, no ex-spouses. I think he likes to be the "strong man with the attractive girl on his shoulder".
He grew up with an old fashioned mother who cooked every night and who "took care of him" which is what he wants in a woman. Ironically enough, I am very old fashioned and I love doing those things which is hard to come by nowadays.
As far as him hurting me in the past...... As you probably can tell by my posts, I'm a very emotional person and get hurt very easily. But besides the small relationship arguments he has only hurt me deeply once in the past. That one time was when he and I broke up last year. I'm the one who suggested the break up but he is the one who said "Yeah, we need some time apart. " Deep down inside, I didn't want to lose him. I was devestated, lost 10lbs and felt like I couldn't go on without him. Initially, after the break up, I called him trying to get back together but he thought we needed some more time apart. From that date on, I went out and (pretended) to have a good time with my friends. Apparently, (I found out later on) his friends would call him and give him a report on me everytime I was out (immature!!) It wasn't until he saw me out having fun that he wanted to get back together. We were broken up for one-two months, got back together and everything has been great since.
I think he did get too comfortable with me and in our relationship and probably did take me for granted. He knew I'd be there, he knew I wasn't going anywere, he knew I was a
good girl and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize "us".
You're right, the decision is up to him now. I know things will work out for the best but I hate the stage I'm in right now. I don't know if I want to be over him or be engaged to him.
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