[purgitory]

Please someone give me advice.
I met a man online 6 months ago. Things have been incredibly wonderful and in fact i am going down to see him in a month. We get alonggreat, talk on the phone all the time, and I love him and know he loves me.
Heres the problem.
He is 32 I am 22, he was married for 8 years until2 years ago when his wife cheated on him and they divorced. They have been divorced now for 2 years and they have a 3 year old child together. I know that he would do anything for his child, and he does all he can to be there for her and spends every weekened with her. My issues is that I am jealous of the closeness he and his wife have, in the sense that she will call him all the time and inform her of thier childs day which is great, but a month ago her mom died, she needed comfort an so he went over there to help in which she tried to sleep with him. He turned her down, but now I know that she wants him back and I am worried that he will leave me to go back to her. She called him the other day cause she had a bad dream about her mom dying and he talked to her (while i was holding for 20 mins on the other line) and today she called him saying that thier child is acting up and she cant take it and that she is going to lose it, so he went over there to help. Is it just me or is she trying to work this child thing a a wayto keep him close? Is this a form of manipulation or am i being paranoid. I have talked to him and told him how i felt, but he assures me that there is noreason for me to be jelous, and that he doesn want her back. I dont know..... I have never dated a man who has a child or who has an ex wife so I am unsure about what is ok. How close is to close? Its not exactly him that i dont trust, i know his motives are good ,but its her. I worry that she is trying to manipulate him and using thier child as a tool. I dont want to get hurt, I love him, and I am comited to working things out. I just dnt know people who have exes, with children to talk to, so i am at a loss on knowing what is normal, and what is not.Please let me know what to do, and what to expect, Its really hard wanting to let go, but worrying that he may be still harboring feelings for her.
Thanks

[dyermaker]

When dating a man who has a child with another, interactions with the other are inevitable, and nothing to freak out about. It's up to you to rationally determine whether or not these interactions are appropriate, especially since it sounds like she still wants your man.

[supermom]

there will always be communication between the two since there is a child involved. As time goes on, the exwife will get over him and move on, or find another man. Just remember, an ex is an ex for a reason

Just watch for any signs, but don't be jealous around him. Jealousy is a turn off, and confidence is a turn on.

good luck to you

Hate to break it to you, but it's simply not possible to "love" someone you've never met in person, and have never spent plenty of time with "in real life." You can't POSSIBLY know enough about him to know whether you love him. To really love someone, you have to know them at their best, and at their worst. It's far too easy for things to be "all perfect" through chatting, emails and phone conversations. Even if you've seen a picture of him, it might not even really be his picture.....or it could be a picture from 10 years ago. Tons and tons of people send fake pics, or send pics from years before...prior to gaining 100 pounds and a triple chin, etc.

And for all you know, he might not even truly be DIVORCED. Perhaps he's only "Separated"? Hundreds and thousands of people lie each day online......lying about their marital status.......some claim to be divorced when in fact they're still very much married and even living under the same roof as their spouse! So many profess to being officially divorced, when in fact, it's just a temporary separation.

You don't even know for sure if it's TRUE that his (supposed) ex wife really cheated on him. That's only what HE is telling you. For all you know, he cheated on her.

How do you KNOW she's calling him all the time? Are you there on the phone with him while he's taking a call from her on another phone line or cell phone? Is he TELLING YOU about these calls she's making to him? I'd have to question WHY he's even bothering to tell you about his (supposed) ex wife and what she's doing. Why would you need to know this info?

They were married (if they in fact are truly divorced) for a significant period of time. He obviously married young. They have a signifcant history together, including a child. It's probably been years since he dated anyone, or had a relationship with anyone other than his wife. He still likely has baggage. He could even still have feelings for her.

Why would you want to get mixed up in such a crazy type of deal? Find yourself a nice single local guy who doesn't have kids and an ex wife......it will be much simpler.

[moimeme]

While I do suggest caution to people getting involved with folks at a distance, it is also true that plenty of people looking for relationships online are actually honest. It's not really useful to dismiss every potential online suitor; some folks have found gems that way.

Having said that, it is a big deal taking on a man with a child. Basically, you have instant family and you have that family for the next 15 years or so. Are you ready to be that settled so young? All of your holidays and weekends and life in general have to take the child into account; you can't just take off and do things when you like. Plus, the mother will be around for the child's whole life. This sort of thing can be difficult; consider carefully whether you are really ready to deal with all the implications of having a parent for a boyfriend.

[SoleMate]

Befuddled's cautions are right on, and yes, of course, even if what your Internet lover says is true, his ex wants him back big time. Either to be married, or just to toy heavily with. And he sounds very open to this. I frankly wouldn't believe that a lonely guy still so involved with & hung up on his ex, and with no other women going on IRL, would turn the ex down sexually when she came on to him. What would be stoping him, for goodness' sake?

So, chase your dream. It's closer to a soap bubble than a real relationship with a future, but is that a reason not to chase it? For you to say.

[moimeme]

What would be stoping him, for goodness' sake?

There are reasons exes are exes. My ex's ex wanted him back, too. He wanted NOTHING to do with her that way but he did have to deal with her and go help her out from time to time. Most men are smart enough to understand the hassles that will ensue if they get reinvolved with their ex-wives. He's telling this gal all about the ex's calls, etc. If he were going to get involved again, he'd not do that.

[Fofinha]

Because of the child they have together, this woman will be in your man's life always. The bound they share because of that child is, and will always remain, very strong.
Having said that, it is up to you (and you only) to determine if you think she is getting too close and if you can really handle having her in the picture. The behavior she displays regarding her child, is really none of your business. Even if you were right about her using her child to get him back, I don't think it is, unfortunately, your place to get involved. This is between him and her. If he loves you enough, he will handle the "ex" so it is clear that he is with you. If he is unable or unwilling to do that and he continually takes her side (even unfairly), then walk away.

[WildFlower]

If I were you, I would be very cautious. I was in a similiar situation 6 years ago, and to this day I do not regret just completely walking away from the relationship in order to spare myself.

I agree that when there is a child involved there has to be contact made between the divorced couple. However, I see that this guys ex is manipulating the pants off of him, literally. His ex is wanting emotional compassion from her ex about the death, and it looks like he's giving it to her. That is inappropriate and should be off limits.

Like the other poster wrote, forgive me as I am new at this, this guy has no reason to not be sleeping with his ex. He's telling you all these things for a reason, and they are big, red flags. He might get some sort of satisfaction out of stringing you along....you are buffing his ego with your interest in him. Although he walked away from the marriage, she cheated on him which is a rejection. Anyone that has been rejected by someone they love has a lot to contend with.

My situation and story was that I had just left my husband, and I met this guy that had just separated from his wife. His wife had also cheated on him, and they had a daughter. As soon as I entered the picture, his wife/soon to be ex, became a problem. The two of them were fighting, etc. He would tell me all about it, and I realized how involved with each other they still were because they were fighting. Fighting is still passion, and I eventually had enough of the drama and walked away from it. I found out a year later that the two of them got back together.

My advice to you is to trust your instincts. If you feel like his ex is manipulating this guy, then she is. I am sure he's told his ex about you, and you are a tool...he's enjoying what is going on. If this guy is concerned about being her "emotional support" system since this death, you don't need him. That's bad news.

Good luck!

Wildflower

[jenny]

hello,

adding my voice to those suggesting you be quite cautious. you will probably find out the truth when you go to visit him, but there a number of elements in this story that should raise the hackles of any close reader. it is my belief that this man is probably still married.

1. he keeps you on hold for 20 minutes while he talks to another woman. this is not the sort of thing that men do, unless the woman has a greater relationship hold on them than the one he is currently trying to get to know. this seems to me a very clear indicator, action-evidence, of where his priorities lie. i think, frankly, it is the kind of thing a man would do for his wife, NOT his ex-wife.

2. think about how he is setting the scene to let you know he still could sometimes sleep with the ex-wife, that she needs him,etc. this is the perfect framework to hold you off until he can arrange for some discretion, and you are not allowed to say anything about it because the ex-wife is so emotionally disturbed. it is also the perfect framework to leave you totally rejected after you spend your money and time going to see him.

i think YOU are being manipulated, and next time you talk to him, i hope you have your bull$hit detectors on high. something is possibly quite rotten in denmark. also: let. him. come. to. you. do NOT spend any money or time investing in this man; let him court and come to you until you have more reason to trust him.

i do not mean to be brash, but this story so far has all the elements of tragedy - particularly your lack of suspicion in the man himself. nevermind the wife - trust your intuition when it tells you something is wrong - just try to figure out specifically what it is. i would hate for you to waste your money and time on a guy who is simply amusing himself while his wife is at work or elsewhere.

[WildFlower]

GOOD advice/thinking Jenny! I think you hit the nail on the head.

Even if the guy is actually divorced, you made a very rational statement with the 20 minute on hold phone conversation...he still has investment in his ex/wife, whatever. This guy IS manipulating, there's no doubt.

[GiveAndTake]

There are a few things that could be going on here.

Many, if not most newly divorced people go back and forth for a while. It's usually because it's familiar and alot of times for sex.
2 years apart is a long time but if you're his first love interest since the divorce, that could make the loneliness/insecurity kick back in for her.

It's difficult to be with someone and share so much for so long. When the real threat of it REALLY being over arises, you get scared of the finality of it. This may be what she's going through now.

As far as the phone call from her while you were holding, why would you STAY on hold for 20 minutes????

I would have hung up after about 5 minutes, max. He'd have called you back with apologies no doubt.

You need to make yourself a little more valuable in his eyes by making him pursue you some.
Waiting on hold for 20 minutes does not do much for your self worth. his leaving you on hold for 20 minutes does not show much for his character.
Maybe you should question that.

[twinkies_rule]

i have read the other posts and i agree with them as far as they can bowl their fat asses, yes there is substantial reason to have doubts in any relationship, but what if the poor guy is just trying to make a better life for his daughter?? if his ex did cheat on him then he's stuck in a really bad place, look at it like this, the guy has to keep a somewhat happy relationship with the ex so he can keep his daughters life happy and free from the emotional bull**** that most of us seem to get caught up in at times, i dont think the guy would want to be friends after being cheated on, would you?

and if you think about it try to juggle a girlfriend and a demanding ex with a daughter it isnt easy at times im sure, as far as the long hold, he probably made a best "judgment call" as too who needed him more at that particular moment, sure he left you on hold for 20 mins, but how long were you on the phone previously before that and what about after?? anybody think about that yet? of course not, unlike most of the other posters im not bitter, and i have been hurt numerous times in my life.

so cut the poor guy some slack, go see him and get the straight dope on whats actually going on in his world, you'll probably find out that your fears are worse than reality, and when is it wrong to comfort those who just lost there parents? nothing but a bunch whiners and bitter people on this site i tell ya.

From what I've read, I believe this man is still married, immature and cannot handle the responsibility of his daughter. The marriage supposedly ended up in a divorce when the child was a year old - maybe his wife was not able to give enough attention to her "baby" husband after the arrival of the daughter.

I've been on both sides of the fence. I was married with a husband who cheated, who I divorced. But I was truly divorced and did not act like this guy's wife (supposedly ex wife). When my father died, I did not call my ex husband. When I had difficulties with my daughter, I rarely ever called my ex husband. As a matter of fact, I was hoping my ex husband would marry his girlfriend and start a family with her and be then rid of him completely. The last thing in the world would be for me to call my ex husband and let him within 50 feet within my bed - ugh!!! The reason for this blurb is for you to see the difference between an ex wife who does not love her husband and does not want him (me), and this guy's ex wife (or still his wife) who seems to want her husband back.

Either way, this guy is a total jerk and is stringing you along to build his ego or to use you as a tool to arouse his ex wife's emotions. Hopefully by now, you and his wife/ex wife are looking for a more mature man in your lives. And, I think he cheated on his wife not vice versa as he told you. The same method he used with you, he's probably done with plenty of other women. Don't even wait for him to come back. If he does, tell him to take a long walk off a short bridge.

Did you know Twinkies and Atsui are one in the same.
And do you finally understand that all of the replies were right on.
I would have to say, Twinkies had good intentions but only half truths can be so misleading to those they are intended for.
Sorry to hear all the misfortunes of late.
Good Luck in your future endeavours