In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
Hello, I am a newbie here. I am a 20 year-old male attending Arizona State University. I have never had a girlfriend, although I have consistantly tried (using a mirade of methods).
My most recent attempt garnered the worst outcome: no response. I had struggled asking a girl for her phone number in my literature class. The reason for this is that my last attempt at verbally talking to a girl ganered me a "maybe" and never spoken to again. Anyway, to the dismay of all of my friends, I wrote a very "high school like" note explaining my difficulty in finding the right words. I acknowledged the fact that a note was a silly gesture and said I would like to talk to her sometime. I left my e-mail address and phone number. Like I said, I never recieved a reply.
So now, I feel as though it was a way of her saying, "You are not worth answering."
I have always feared being 20 and never having had a girlfriend. I am semi-confident, not unnattractive and by all means I have tried talking to girls. I have never had one girl be interested in me. My worry is that this practice will continue for the rest of my life. Many say I am being overdramatic, but how can anything change if this practice is affecting my overall confidence and character?
I used to believe in fate. Now, I shun the very idea. Is there any hope for someone that has given up on hope?
I feel your pain ThePopCornKernel but coming here isn't going to give you any hope. The fact is none of the posters here have any advice that can help those rejected by the female gender. It's all your fault, they will say. Even if you decided to post every single genuine attempt you have made to get a girlfriend, they will just pick your every action apart. Believe in fate my friend. Otherwise, what is there to believe in????
Um. I fear HelpMeNow has a rather cynical view about both LS and women. One need not 'do' anything to find friends/girlfriends. As others point out, it is what one IS that attracts people.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
I only seek reassurance that 20 won't double up to 40 and 40 to 80... I understand your theory on believing in fate, but that is what I used to do... I don;t think it is right for me anymore. It let me down far too may times.
As for the joining a group that I am passionate about idea, great analysis. Problem is: I am a fan of reality shows and movies - far cries from swimming, chemisty and other hobbies that have devoted groups. It would be impossible to conjure up a reality show group. As for the movie group, I am a film critic for two newspapers and I have very strong opinions. Upon learning that I think "Cabin Fever" is an awesome movie and I won't budge on my opinion, I doubt any girls will be interested in me.
hey - I feel your pain - in a way. I've never had a girlfriend either. When I was 20 though (a year ago) - I had some things happen that changed just about everything in my life. I suspect I have quite a number of girls that are interested in me, and I suspect that one of them is an old friend I ran into who I have a huge crush on. I really haven't actively searched for any girls - but things just happened that gave me opportunities to bring them into my life - and by taking advantage of those opportunities, I've gotten where I am now. Its just been amazing how much has happened so quickly. And all my difficulties in the past have helped me get to where I am now, so dont be discouraged just because you have girl-trouble. I've had troubles like that all my life - and now that I'm 21, my life is just about as good as it can get - I have the greatest girl in my life, even if she's not my girlfriend yet, she's still a great part of my life, and I wouldn't trade the years of trouble I've had for anything. They made me the person I am today - and I wouldn't be here without having gone through it all.
So dont feel discouraged. I am sure you are meant to find someone that will make your life whole, and whether that happens tonight or 50 years from now, rest assured that it will happen, but not before its time. Had events that I'm experiencing now happened a year before they did start, I would have reacted differently, and may have totally screwed up the good things that came out of this situation. You will find someone, though it may not be who you expect or as soon as you'd like, it will happen, and you will look back and think - WOW! Seriously - you will, because I look back right now and think exactly that.
Yer story intrigues me. It is also sweet. So you are saying that something big and unexpected will likely happen that will change my life? Out of curiosity, what is your take on fate?
Bro im 20 also, and in the exact same position, yes sometimes it bothers me, but if you can find stuff to keep you busy and having fun its ok, just keep trying, maybe approach girls in a different way, eventually we will find someone.
maybe approach girls in a different way, eventually we will find someone.
Maybe DON'T approach girls at all for a while. At least not with the interest of dating them in mind. Nothing turns me off like a desperate man. Whether it is one who really IS desperate, or one who appears to be. Woman have a sixth sense for those kind of things, I believe. At least most that I know do. The more girls you hit on and "fail" to get a date with, the more likely it is that the other girls around you will notice and read you as what? DESPERATE! As soon as you try to hit on them. Now, I'm not saying go to the opposite extreme either. A cocky bastard is just as bad.
If you left me a note with your email address and phone number, and you hadn't really talked to me enough to get to know who I was, I wouldn't respond either. Why don't you try to make friends with the girls in some of your classes? Getting to know them, without them feeling like all you're after is a date, or sex. Also, don't go into it expecting it will turn into anything more than a friendship. You'll put way too much pressure on yourself that way. You really need to chill and LET a girl be attracted to you, not 'forcing' her to be (or really shoving yourself in her face, waving your arms that you're single and interested. Won't someone please date me!) with notes, or attempts at getting numbers.
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One need not 'do' anything to find friends/girlfriends. As others point out, it is what one IS that attracts people.
Great advice, simply stated. Be yourself. Someone should like you for who you are, not all the crazy efforts you're making.
Good luck to you.
-Deranged
(P.S. I enjoyed Cabin Fever (however I've been told I have horrible taste in movies), so I don't think that's going to keep a girl from being interested in you. )
look im 19 and i havent had a gf yet, but hey im in no rush. im still enjoying life as it is, i have other priorities to run in life.
im C&F with girls, i notice some of them may even have an interest in me. but hey, ill let things happen the way it is, if i find out they really like me, then ill ask them out.
i wouldnt suggest what deranged angel said....
once a girl places you in the friend category, you will have a ration of 1:50 of getting into a relationship w/them. if you want female friends then great!! go for it! female friends will always have hot friends, an even greater way to meet girls.
so the best bet is to meet as many girls as you can a day.
I am feeling rather better, actually. I am not involved in many groups, so that is going to be a huge problem for me. But combing the "unexpected" event and the "just let them find you while enjoying what you enjoy" makes me feel better. I still doubt I will ever find anyone (my professor is 53 and has said he was never married).
I am not willing to compromise on the girl. She has got to be a dream. But I am going to let her find me. Somehow, somewhere, sometime. Is there a "Forever Eden" fangroup on college campuses???
Originally posted by DerangedAngel
Perhaps if he makes some female friends, he will understand girls better. Long shot? Maybe. Maybe not.
Besides, not all girls like to keep guys in the "friend" category. And some will not date a guy who hasn't been there.
-Deranged
YOU DO have female friends right dude??
as derangedangel said, if u make female friends you will understand them better. i have a couple female friends...it yea in a way helps me understand girls a little better.
PLUS on the end side of trying to hook up w/a girl, you will realize what you do wrong or right w/her...if u realize she put u in the friend zone, then u must correct your errors that did that to you.
yea, eerything in life is a learning process, learn from your mistakes. You just gotta try it.
Well, unexpected, yes, but not necessarily big. Whats happened in my life consists of little things that all fit together like a puzzle to create my current situation. I have had my crushes, and lost them, and been lonely, so I found friends to hang out with. Through those friends, I met some old friends who are in a band, and little things that happened going to see their band eventually all worked together to put me where I am today. I have this huge crush on the one girl from the band, and I'm having a lot more fun in life.
A year ago, you wouldn't have caught me in a bar following a band, let alone out on the dance floor. But today - I'm a regular groupy for her band, because its really the only time I see her, and I'm out on the floor all the time "shakin' it" - and just having a great time. I dance with her, with others, or alone, and she's even had me up on stage once. And each day it gets even better. I saw her Friday, and we hung out a while, and just that little time we spent together, my life has changed some. I'm currently in the best spot I've ever been in life, and it just keeps getting better.
It wasn't anything big, but it was little unexpected things that just worked together to bring me where I am today. I had opportunities to say "forget it" and lose what I had, but I decided to give in and live it up while I could, and it turned out for the better.
Now, you bring up an interesting point - Fate. In a sense, you could say I believe in a kind of fate, but more like a constantly changing fate. Its rather hard to explain how I see it - but try this: Throughout our lives, we meet many different people. Sometimes we meet the same people multiple times. These meetings are bound to happen, no matter what we do, these meetings will happen at some time. The thing is, the time, place, and situations surrounding these meetings are not yet determined. The choices we make in life help determine who we will meet where, when and how we will meet them. The same goes for the situations that we find ourselves in. We are destined to be in these situations, but who we are in them with, when and where they happen all depends on the choices we make. It is all rather complicated, but I think it works similar to this.
I dont believe we are bound to a certain path, but we are meant to have certain experiences and meet certain people in our lives, but who we have those experiences with and how we meet these other people is 100% dependent upon the choices we make. We could meet a person by just a fleeting glance if we choose one thing, or we could meet them for dinner if we choose another. Similarly, we coudl have a fleeting glance with a certain person if we choose one thing, or we could have the fleeting glance with another person if we choose something else. But then, everyone else has their choices, so that also influences these situations and people.
Very complicated. More like a 4-dimensional problem. Choices we make, Choices others make, Situations we're to be in, and People we're to meet - all inter-twined to create life.
I was meant to meet this girl - and I was meant to be in the situations that I was in that led up to where I am now, but their order and the people that were involved, and the situation that I met this girl in were all dependent upon choices I had to make and choices that she had to make. It's very well possible that if she, or I, had chosen something differently, that there would be another girl in her position, or another guy in my position right now, or that we wouldn't meet up until later in life, or that it would have just been a fleeting glance and not met at all, but still enough to fulfill the meeting requirements.
Confused? I am somewhat too. Its very difficult to explain - this is remotely close to how I understand it in my head - but it can't be explained much better.
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