Hi all, forgive me if my grammar is not perfect, english is not my primary language...
I stumbled into these forums a few days ago when I was searching for advice, and this is exactly what I need. I have serious trouble dealing with a break up, I don't think I'm able to handle break ups pretty well, the three times I've gone through this I somehow managed to screw it up so here I am.
I met this girl about a year and a half ago (a little bit more than that, summer of 2002), we started talking a lot, going out almost every day and in less than a month we realized it was worth trying out, maybe it was too fast but well, things worked great from the beggining, we clicked instantly. Time passed and she had to leave the country for a semester, it was painful because we knew it would happen long time before, it was her dream before we met but now it looked very scary, it was such a risk... I won't go into details but somehow we managed to be in touch, and when she came back everything was ok, I don't know how we made it but we were still in love. Shortly after she came back I got depressed, very badly, my dad is an alcoholic, and i i had a bad relatioship with my parents, then I had school problems and I couldn't manage it all. I just became more and more depressed as time passed. I still loved her, but my depression took over, I couldn't be there for her all the time, I was in bed almost all day long during that period. You can figure it out I guess, sometimes I wouldn't even answer the phone...
What did she do? She gave me her support all the time, the love she had for me was so inmense, that she swas by my side every day during this painful experience, it was almost a full year of pain... Sometimes during this period I got over the depression and tried to get myself back into the train of life, but coudn't hold for too long, I was up and down all the time, and taking her with me
. She tried breaking up more than a couple of times, but she just coudn't leave me, I also thought I should break up with her during my depression, but I coudn't, didn't had the guts, I just managed to say something once, I thought I needed to be alone for a while, but she convinced me to work things out together.
This didn't turned out well for her, time passed and I was in bed, not willing to talk, and she started to feel very bad, she was mentally preparing for the break up, now she was doing things without me, she tried so hard to be unattached to me and one day she felt confident about her plans without me, now the only thing that she needed was a chance to break up.
The next ting that happened was that I got out of the bed, I got a job, I had a great woman besides me, and I was happy to be alive. Suddenly I became everything she wanted for so long. It was a shock to her, after all this time she had lost the faith, and I did notice that but wasn't so sure, so one day we talked about it, I asked why she was unhappy, I needed to know, I wanted to help, after all she was in there for me when I was so depressed, and then she explained all this, she was ready for the break up and how she was shocked about my sudden change, she didn't want to leave me, not now that I was changing, she feared that I would fall back into depression if we broke up so now she couldn't do it, she suffered for a long time and now was deeply hurt in her heart. I'm glad she told me what happened, I thought it was a good chance to fix things and we decided to stay together, I would be there for her, and I would try to make her feel better and recover the faith and love she had for me.
This worked out for a few days, I understood that she now wasn't so attached to me, and I have a job so whe had very little time to spend together, I visited her everytime I could. But then one day (a sunday, it was my day off), I wanted to see her but she was busy, it was getting late and I knew I woudn't be able to see her, so I talked to her, I asked why, why you don't have time for me, knowing my only day off is sunday, I was a little angry, I forced her to think about it, she was very sorry, wrote me a note about how sorry she was, she said she wasn't doing it on pourpose, she just coudn't do it, didn't feel like giving me some of her time, it was too painful to see me, to hear me talking, it was her dream some time ago but now she felt angry about it, because it took me a long time to realize that my life was worth living. Now she had a deep resentment and coudn't keep going...
I was in panic, I knew this was a possibility, but she calmed me down, all that she needed was some space to breathe, and we are not kids anymore, so we can work things out in a mature way, she was not like my other ex's (and yes that is true). And at that point I agreed.
I didn't feel very good after that, but no, I didn't went back into depression, next morning I woke up and went to work, trying my best to handle the situation. We agreed on being there for each other, to talk about how we felt, and go out once in a while... I didn't saw her until next friday, I talked to her and told her if it would be ok if I just showed up that day, she said it was ok, it didn't turned out to be a very good idea, it was incomfortable and she told me she felt that I was invading her space, so I left and thought what should I do now.
I cleared up my mind, and forced me into the idea that the relationship is not the most important thing right now, the important thing right now is trying to be ourselves, go out there and feel happy to do things for ourselves, me going to the job I have, she dealing with college, etc. So I let her know all this some days later, and she felt happy about it, she now didn't feared going out with me. We did next friday, we had a good time I guess, but I just felt bad, you know, basically being "just friends", at the end of the night I gave her a hug and she hugged me, so I told her that I loved her (not exactly "I love you", in spanish there is another word to say I love you that doesn't mean you "love" the person, I don't know if in english you use this phrase but it translates as "I want you"), she replied with an "I want you", and then we walked away. I felt strange, I was happy that I could see her and have a good time, but at the same time I was unhappy...
I need to point something out, we both talk a lot using instant messaging programs, so part of our discussions are text-only, no talking no nothing, just text, we got used to it...
So we continued to talk via messages every night, I always asked her how she was doing, and she asked me how I was doing, they were friendly conversations most of the time, I had a lot of laughs and she had a lot as well... I was trying to help her as much as I could, and she cared about me all the time as well, but she said I couldn't help her a lot, doesn't matter how hard I tried to make her feel better, she just felt empty. She is not happy you see, she has lost something very important, now she doesn't believe in love. For example, she doesn't enjoy dressing up and getting makeup and all that, because she wouldn't be doing that "for someone", there's no one now. Same for writing, her writing is beautiful, but has no one to write to, she's now disappointed about everything, and I can't help her, because all I do is bring back all this resentment.
It's hard to describe the situation, I love her, I want to help her, but can't help her, everytime I try I just hurt her, I want to support her but I bring back memories and all this resentment, she just wants to bury this resentment (or forget it) and go on, and this is where I loose control of the situation, I want to help but I end up saying things that hurt, if I want her to feel ok I have to ignore the fact that we had a past, and it's very hard to just not say a word about it and talk about everyday crap.
This is not where it ends, exactly yesterday we had what maybe will be our last conversation. It started out "normal", she told me about how she was angry for something really stupid, and I asked why, she shoudn't be angry for that silly thing, she told me she would usually don't care about things like that, but now she just gets angry for anything. I told her I knew it had to do with me, we continue the conversation and I lost control, I was very sorry and felt very bad as I saw she is going into depression, we discussed for a while, she was mad at me, because I told her how I was prepared to be by her side after I went out of the depression, and because I told her that she was getting into depression... I said quite a few things that made her feel bad, bring back painful memories ("I still belive love can do impossible things", "One day you will wake up just like me, and see that everything you loved went away while you were sleeping"), bringing back all the resentment...
If you're still with me I applaud you, I really appreciate it...
So conversation got very painful for both, frustration, resentment, sadness... So I told her "I woudn't bother anymore, I don't want to hurt you... So if you need anything, you have my phone number and know where you can find me, for now on I'm going to stop all this, it's just too painful for both, I have to learn how to live without you just like you did, I hope you get better and maybe I'll see you sometime." She wasn't happy about that, but she told me she woudn't stop me...
Basically now I think I need time and space just like her, I don't know if it was the right thing to do, I want her back but sometimes I think I should just get over it and be alone for a while. It was painful to block her in the instant messagging thing, I want to talk to her but I feel I'm doing the right thing, no comunication, if someday we get back, well it was ment to be then, but right now nope, it can't work, we can't even be friends...
That's how things ended, I got a call from her today, I wasn't very talkative, we just talked about how we were doing, I tried to say everything in very few words, I don't remember too well, but she told me we can still see each other and talk if I didn't bring back the past, I told her that I would prefer not to talk at all, so she said that things don't have to go this way but she can't stop me, so we said goodbye and proceed to hang up the phone. Later I get an email from her, she said that she was very sad about how things are going now. I know she's sad...
I don't know what to expect about all this, at least I know she's thinking now, she's sad, alone and I won't talk to her, she's maybe thinking about me I don't know... I am very confused now, I still love her and want her back, but I want her to think, I don't want to talk to her, maybe in the meantime I just get over it and that's another solution, I think not talking to her is the right thing to do...
So what do you think?
Thank you all!!
(I was already typing my name hehe, but I'm quite paranoic...)
, there's one thing that I don't like about my English, I use "I" way too often, see I can't stop it!! I just feel like thare's no other way, I don't want to sound selfish or anything like that, but I can't help it... (me hopes to get over the "I" thing)
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