My friends wife is cheating on him. What do I do???
My wife and I have been friends with a couple for a very long time. About 10 years. Recently we have found out that the wife has been chaeting on him for the last year. We both have said that we could understand if it was a one time thing and it never happened again. But she has slept with her boss the day before her anniversary, she got pregnant by him, and im not sure but i think she did something to herself to have a miacarriage. I see this guy everyday, as not only are we friends but co workers. I have known about this for about 3 weeks. It is killing me inside to see this guy and not be able to tell him. My wife says I should leave an anonymous note on her car so she thinks someone else might tell him. PLEASE HELP THIS IS KILLING ME.
I don't advise anyone to charge a moral crusade into someone's life, inform a spouse of infidelity, and ride out carrying the lance of righteousness.
However, I think that the anonymous note idea isn't a bad one. If you could get her to stop, without him finding out, that would be better. How do you know she's cheating? Does she tell you about it? If there's open communication, you could tell her how you feel, and confront her with the possiblity that she'll be found out. Does she even care?
This is not your business. I know you want to do the right thing, but secret notes are not it. Drop the friends, or, if you can't stop yourself from getting involved, confront the wife. Be prepared to lose both friends and to be told to mind your own business.
Couples' lives are theirs alone. They will not thank you for your intrusion. You do not have to be a party to the dishonesty. You can choose not to see them as freinds anymore and choose to keep the workplace strictly professional.
A lot depends on how you KNOW that she is cheating. If the wife has confessed it to one of you, then it would be easy to say "stop telling me this or I will pass it on to your husband".
But it sounds like you really have just heard a rumor. In that case, you can go to either the husband or the wife and say, "Someone is spreading a horrible rumor about you. I'm letting you know so you can put a stop to it." In this case, you act as if you don't believe the horrible rumor. And you know what? Unless you were there at the orgy or have seen the videotapes, you don't really know what happened. You don't know what's going on in that marriage, or whether they have agreed to turn a blind eye to the obvious.
Anonymous notes...stink. They are only for those who are not willing to own up to their actions. If telling her is the right thing, DON'T do it anonymously. It will only add to the pain.
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
Originally posted by SoleMate
Anonymous notes...stink. They are only for those who are not willing to own up to their actions. If telling her is the right thing, DON'T do it anonymously. It will only add to the pain.
Uhh SoleMate, she knows, she's the cheater. Leaving a note on the car would 'keep her on her toes', maybe provoking her to break it off. It doesn't really cause any pain at all.
If it is only a rumor, then I agree with the let it be thoughts. And I would not even attempt to do anything of an anonymous nature.
The best advice is not to tell? I guess if it were even one of my best friends in the world, I would want to know. Would it put stress on our relationship as friends? Yes, but in the end I would understand my friend was only looking out for me and my best interests. So in this situation, you are supposed to go out with this couple and act as if nothing has ever happened. There is this little thing called INTEGRITY. Some have it and some don't. And some people choose to make right decisions even in the face of adversity. True friends will stick around. I understand why someone would coach you to not say anything, BUT would you want to know yourself if you were in the situation? Thats just my random thoughts though. Whatever you do, good luck! I really mean it. It is a tough predicament to be in regardless of what you choose to do.
Originally posted by NotaBadGuy
There is this little thing called INTEGRITY. Some have it and some don't. And some people choose to make right decisions even in the face of adversity.
I have no respect for those who blindly barge into people's business under the guise of integrity, and leave with the slightest feeling of righteousness.
If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? A true friend is someone who is able to tell you things that others will not. I simply do not understand why a friend would not tell a friend what is going on if you know for a fact it is true.
She is putting your friend at great risk for STD's and has become pregnant by the OM. I do not think you are much of a friend to keep this to yourself. Do you think your friend would wish to be kept in the dark or know the truth? What would you want?
It is killing me inside to see this guy and not be able to tell him.
The truth is, it's bothering HIM. If he told, he'd be doing it so that he doesn't feel bad anymore, without any regard to how this would devastate their relationship. It's none of his business.
Originally posted by Tony
Keep your mouth shut and stay out of it unless you want to totally destroy your friendship.
But along the same lines, some things are more important than friendship. A real friend would tell their friend if a boyfriend/girlfriend were cheating - regardless of the consequences of the friendship, because their happiness is more important than living a lie to keep your friendship solid.
I know that because this is a marriage and he is a coworker that it makes the situation more sticky, but I think that if you feel it will make him happier in the long run, and you are ready and willing to lose them as friends, you should do something about it. The anonymous note is a good idea because you don't risk all of this to as great an extent, but depending on the circumstances, the wife might know it was you.
The point is, is he happily living a lie, or is he unsure of his marriage? If you aren't a good enough friend to know this, then you probably shouldn't meddle. If you are, and it's the latter, the harder route will be to tell the truth, but it might be the better one in the long run. He's going to find out, eventually. How do you think he'll feel when he realizes everyone around him knew, but no one told him. This happened to my aunt, and she was pissed that none of the family told her about her (now ex) husband's two year affair, though most had known for a while. It caused more harm in the long run not to tell her.
Originally posted by dyermaker
If my wife was cheating on me, I'd never want to know.
Ah, of course not, but here's the conundrum: What if you found out anyway? Would you rather it come from a friend over coffee, or when you walk in on your wife's boss going down on her?
He shouldn't tell if he has any reservations. It's hard to look at it from your friend's perspective, but you have to want to do it for your friend, not for you, as the previous posts mentioned. I would imagine, dyer, if your wife were cheating on you, your close friends would probably know you well enough not to tell you. Which is why I can't stress enough that if you do go through with telling your friend, it has to be for your friend, not just to get it off of your chest.
The anon. note might work, but if it doesn't? The more I type, the more I see the point of not wanting to tell, but I maintain that if the person's personality is familiar to you, you'll be able to better assess the situation and know if it's going to kill him, or help him move past a hard time in his life (i.e. a terrible, dishonest marriage.) Only a good friend would know. Otherwise, you're just saying something that will hurt him, the friendship, and ultimately, you.
Per usual, I wasn't giving blanket advice to all people in this situation, although I can't fathom a deviation.
Quote:
PLEASE HELP THIS IS KILLING ME.
It's killing him. It was my impression that to tell the friend was to get it off his own conscience, without any regard for the pain it would cause. Although technically, he would be the righteous one, I don't look at things as being so black and white.
Yeah, dyer, I didn't notice that until you mentioned it, so in my second post, I made sure to emphasize that my advice is for the scenario that I described, and stems from previous experience with my aunt. She's the only *married* person I know that this has happened to, but it has happened to a few of my dating friends, and every one of them has shot blame at people who were aware of the situation, but didn't tell - although they never ended the friendships, which is a risk you take when you do tell.
Quote:
Originally posted by dyermaker
Per usual, I wasn't giving blanket advice to all people in this situation, although I can't fathom a deviation.
It's killing him. It was my impression that to tell the friend was to get it off his own conscience, without any regard for the pain it would cause. Although technically, he would be the righteous one, I don't look at things as being so black and white.
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My friends wife is cheating on him. What do I do???
don't mistake selfishness for integrity!
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