Some advice for some ladies and gentelmen involved those who are married.
Hi everyone. I just wanted to post some advice for those of who are in married relationships. I have been in an affair with a married man for about 4 monthes now. In the beginning of the affair I like many of those involved with married men and married women waswallowing in lonliness and self pitty for the fact that he is not with me and with his wife. I saw him on his time and suffered when he had to leave. Basically I let him have his cake and it too.
In reading about affairs, I cringe at those that last for many monthes or even years. I never wanted to be one of those women waiting for him when he is never going to leave. This is why I changed my whole out look on the situation.
I know what I want, as horrible as it sounds, I want him to leave his wife, not just because I love him, but because he turned his back on her and professed his love to me. He is very honest with me, and obviously not with her. While this is entirely his descion,I won't just sit back and have his cake. I am going to stand up and fight for everything I want.
This is my advice to all of you who were once like me. Stand up and fight, be frank, open and honest with the man or women you are in affair with. Don't sugar coat things. It's NOT okay for you to feel bad and discluded, if you are feeling left out and alone, make sure they know that. Don't be afraid to use ultimatums. For example. We work together, and we were rarely leaving the work environment to go out on "normal" dates. I told him if he can't atleast to this for me, then I had the stregth to leave, even if you don't at the point, they will get the picture.
I find if I don't start to initaite things with him, he will initiate things with me. If the man truly cares about being with you this will happen. If he hears an ultimatum and dosn't want to loose you, he will step up and change his ways.
Some other pieces of advice is, don't have sex. I have refused to have sex with him until he leaves his wife, this was VERY clear from almost the beginning. Sex in an emotional relationship can multiply those feelings of lonliness and heartache by ten, plus there is the risk of pregnancy if you are a woman.
Lastly, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and communicate what you want. Communication is vital for a healthy relationship. If you do end up in marriage with the man or woman your are in affair with, this can help as well. You will have a well grounded base of open communication to take into the relationship.
Re: Some advice for some ladies and gentelmen involved those who are married.
All sounds quite reasonable to me. Except this:
Quote:
Originally posted by Chanelbelle
He is very honest with me, and obviously not with her.
I think that any person, married or not married, in an affair with someone is kidding themselves if they think the other person is being honest with them.
Married partners in an affair give warped pictures of their marriage, impressions that they might believe themselves as they're imparting them to their lovers, but which do not encompass the whole truth -- the truth about the marriage's dynamics, the truth about their feelings for their spouse. They might be lying to themselves -- they probably are. Because someone who is capable of being honest with themselves -- really honest -- would be able to lay out all the issues involved (kids, finances, etc) and figure out a way to solve their marital problems. An affair is not a solution, it's an avoidance technique.
Being honest with yourself is not always natural, and it's rarely easy. So it's hardly surprising that there are many sincere married folk out there who are engaged in affairs and give their lovers the impression that they're being straight with them. The very fact that they're in an affair ought to cue you in to how dishonest they're being, with themselves first and foremost.
Unless you meet a married man/woman who can say to you, "My marriage is unsatisfying in x, y, and z, but I'm unwilling to leave my spouse because of a, b, and c, and am therefore interested in starting an emotional and/or physical affair with you that in all likelihood will never be more than that," I think the only reasonable assumption you can make is that they're not being honest with you. No matter how good they sound, and no matter how much you want to believe it.
Otherwise, Chanelbelle, I think you're giving good advice to those contemplating being involved with a married person. You're basically advocating that people wait until the person extricates themselves from their marriage. In other words, you're not willing to be the Other Woman. Good for you -- I hope it works the way you're hoping it will. And if not, you'll have avoided a big mess.
What a magnificent example of self-deceiving, self delusion!
I'll bet your post is really well-received here.
I have some advice for you: Don't get involved with married men! You want to avoid all that heartache? It's pretty simple, really. Does that mean that he won't do it with someone else? No... but your thread deals with the feelings of being the OW. If you were to stay away from another woman's husband, you would not need to say "No sex!" and issue ultimatums, would you?
A lot of what you say has to do with establishing boundaries for yourself, but the premise - in my opinion - is wrong! I think you can't be righteous about boundaries if you don't respect them in the first place!
When you marry this so called married man, are you still going to give this wonderful free advise to the other woman/women that he's cheating on you with????
Donot chase other womens husbands. Respect yourself enough to get a man of your own. If he is married, don't start waiting for him, don't make up rules about sex, just get a life and a new romantic interest. If you are not pretty or smart enough to land a guy of your own, start improving yourself.
Dont give any advice unless you've worked out your wonderful plans and this mm has got his final divorce paper and cut his dull wife out for an intelligent woman like you! So you will give sufficient evidences to support your advice.
My prediction is:
The MM will never leave his wife for you. You will cry your eyes out and seek for advice.
Hopefully, that day will never come
Good luck!
Last edited by Dora; 23rd February 2004 at 4:41 PM..
Why am I being critisized for being a mistress? Isn't that who is supposed to post on this board, or maybe this is the mistress bashing board? Did I not clearly read that this board was for the other man other woman? I really did not need people to post about what I should and shouldn't be doing, It's my life and my choice about what I want to do, if you only posted disagree with the fact that I am with a married man, then save your breath, your not going to change my mind, I also did not ask anyone's opionion on the future of my relationship with this man or how honest he is. Each relationship is very differant and each has it's own out come, so until you know he and I, you really have no say. I merely posted my advice, take it or leave it, but don't complain.
Originally posted by carla
When you marry this so called married man, are you still going to give this wonderful free advise to the other woman/women that he's cheating on you with????
If he ever cheated on me, I would divorce him, something I have already told him.
OMG. When asked what she'd do if her MM ever left his wife, and married her, and cheated on her:
Quote:
"If he ever cheated on me, I would divorce him, something I have already told him."
Lady, you are naive.
1) Why would you divorce him if he cheated on you? WHY, because it's WRONG TO CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE and you shouldn't have to put up with such dishonesty/disrespect and unfaithfulness? Well hot damn, I'm guessing his wife would likely feel the same damn way, if only she KNEW her husband was skanking around with you........though the poor woman isn't getting all the facts, or any. How righteous of you, in such an ironic, hypocritical sort of way.
2) I'm sure he promised a long time ago to his wife (you know, the woman he likely has wild, passionate, toe-curling sex with on a very regular basis, in their bed of course) that he'd never cheat on her...but GUESS WHAT? He lied. How arrogant of you to think you're somehow more worthy of his faithfulness and honesty than his wife.
The war against the "other woman" and "other man" continues.
The purpose of this post is stated in the title:
Quote:
Some advice for some ladies and gentelmen involved those who are married.
The advice rendered is to "other women" to enable them to leverage their extramarital affairs into marriages. Most of the responses , while great "other woman bashing reads ," are not responsive to the Thread. That's too bad, but certainly unsurprising.
And you're right, Chanelbelle , LoveShack only has a Mistress Bashing board with the significant, and not surprising , exception of midori. If you want intelligent discussion --one actually responsive to your Thread--I'd try another Message Board--one frequented by fewer self-righteous posters.
The only thing people hate more than people who have affairs are people who have affairs but who don't apologise for having them. That drives up almost everyone's moral outrage quotient.
Originally posted by jester
The only thing people hate more than people who have affairs are people who have affairs but who don't apologise for having them. That drives up almost everyone's moral outrage quotient.
In my opinion, I don't think Relationship Forums such as these should even *have* a forum set aside for the OW/OM/those involved in extramarital affairs. It seems highly hypocritical to me, when so many posts on these forums are from those who have had their lives ripped apart, their families too, because of an affair. It almost seems like an insult to all who've been cheated on.
Extramarital affairs cause nothing but hurt and pain and devastation.....to the spouse who's being cheated on (right away, or in some cases, further down the road, when the truth comes out, and it always does), and very often to the poor innocent kids whose lives are turned upside down when Mom and Dad split up.
I don't have any sympathy whatsoever for OM/OW/married people having affairs, for whatever type/degree of pain or suffering they encounter or endure. Why? Because you'd have to live under a rock to not know that getting involved with someone who's married, or being married and breaking your marriage vows isn't the way to go.....and it's wrong..for if it wasn't, then why all the sneaking around? If they're so proud of their actions, why do they skulk around and hide their affair? For every action, there's a reaction, and when you make the CHOICE to partake in an affair, you're making the choice to put yourself into a situation where you will likely end up getting hurt.
However, the poor spouse who's being cheated on, they endure a great deal of pain and devastation, and they had no choice in that. They didn't ask to be betrayed.
I feel that if cheaters want to support one another and offer advice on how to "bag someone's husband", they should start up their own website for Cheaters...and knock themselves out with forums galore........think of all the possible forums they could create:
1) Tips on Betraying your Spouse
2) Highly recommended No-Tell Motels
3) How to Bag someone's Husband
4) Will my MM or MW ever leave their spouse for me?
bla bla bla bla.
I think it's extremely in poor taste to provide a place for cheaters to enable one another and justify why they break up homes and devastate innocent spouses. And that's just my opinion. I've been on this site long enough to have read hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of heartwrenching posts from Husband and Wives who came to find out their spouse was having an affair.......and it is only their pain that I have empathy for. Out of respect for them, which make up a good majority of posters here, I think it's tacky to have this kind of forum, period. And i won't apologize for my opinion.
In my opinion, I don't think Relationship Forums such as these should even *have* a forum set aside for the OW/OM/those involved in extramarital affairs.
I agree. Let's silence all other men and other women. In fact, let's ban these evil demons from LoveShack so the morally infected do not contaminate all the God-fearing, morally correct, tax paying citizen posters.
this thread made me angry, as I am too the innocent wife and it makes my blood boil when I hear other women talking about how the MM loves them, honest with them, etc ... WHATEVER!
Next time you talk to him see how honest he is when he tells you he doesn't love his wife BULLCRAP! You don't get married because you don't love them, and if they have kids, the OW will NEVER get the wife out of their lives, and also why would you believe that he wouldn't cheat on you? I would seriously question that.
Don't post Cheating Advise and not expect to have angry actual wives talk smack about it. Why don't you read some of the post by these women talking about how upset, hurt, angry, and basically in an emotional hell, why would you wish that on someone? Once you're a wife and get cheated on maybe then you'll understand.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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