Dear All,

My boyfriend and I met two years ago, and he moved in with me almost immediatlely after we met. I hadn't had a serious relationship in a while, and I enjoyed his company.

From the beginning, I never thought this would be forever. He, however, is quite sure I'm 'the one', and loves me dearly. I love him very much, too, but am definitely not _in love_ with him.

Furthermore -- he drinks more than he should; he has a very irregular income (leans on me financially); and doesn't seem like he'll ever grow up in that respect (now in his mid 30s). And his sex-drive is a lot lower than mine, leaving me unfulfilled and longing for more passion.

Should stress that he is very loving, very sweet.

What should I do?

Thanks,

Anon

[Vivid_29]

Well, if your not in love with him, then you should bail. You're just wasting his time, as well as yours. It doesn't sound like you are happy. End it now. Better now than later.

~Vivid

[reasontosigh]

I was in a situation that was similar in a couple of respects in my last relationship - his drinking and irregular income (though the money he was making was quite good at the time, but one can never tell when that would eventually dry up), and his Peter Pan tendencies. Turns out he wanted out, but couldn't communicate his feelings to me properly. Let's just say it ended very badly.

What worries me is what will happen if you decide to stick it out for awhile and you find resentment, if not outright anger, building. You obviously care enough not to want to hurt this guy, yet that may happen if these feelings build and you end up taking them out (unconciously) on him.

Have you tested the waters by hinting anything about leaving to him? Noting his reaction might be of some help to you.

You're both right, of course. I do need to leave him sooner or later, and sooner would seem wiser. However, it's the timing that is so difficult.

To make things more complicated: he recently had to give up his business, and we are also in the midst of moving. Very hard to find an affordable apt in this city. Found one that would be perfect, but landlord will only allow 1 person living there. (Really dumb rule.) So -- if I could, I would leave him now. But would feel horrid and inhumane for doing so.

Kicking somebody when they're already down -- that's such an awful thing to do. Which is why I'm so confused.

Oh, and yes, I've brought up the subject with him several times. He doesn't take it well. Has cried and said that he wouldn't know what to do. I'm the only thing in his life worth living for, etc.

[Vivid_29]

So -- if I could, I would leave him now. But would feel horrid and inhumane for doing so.
Kicking somebody when they're already down -- that's such an awful thing to do. Which is why I'm so confused.

Sometimes we have to put our remorse and passions aside and do what's right, to keep us sane, no matter how much it will devastate the other person.

I'm the only thing in his life worth living for, etc.

I know that it may be flattering that he feels this way about you, but it sounds like he needs to get a life.

~V

[reasontosigh]

I'm the only thing in his life worth living for, etc.

This does worry me.

I completely agree with Viv - I realize you want to be considerate of his feelings, but your self-preservation has to come first here.

[matrixgenius]

Maybe you should just tell him you need space, and really mean it.
Most girls will say they need space when in reality they are interested in another guy (which is BS)
Maybe it will stir something inside this guy, some passion which was missing. There are a lot worse guys out there. If he was never physically abusive or an addict, then you should probably wait for him. Maybe he can become what you want. Then maybe you can accept him back, but not until you are "in love" again.
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, but the relationship is just missing something.
Just remember
"If you can't love someone for who they really are, then it isn't real anyway". Just maybe who he is now is not the "real him".
Space between you will amplify this. Just don't take him back too easy. It sounds like you are worth more than a simple I'm sorry.

[dyermaker]

No, telling him you need space creates the illusion that there's a future chance between you two. That's cruel and inhumane, albeit easier to do.