[Glors1116]

How do you separate yourself from your mother when she is unable to let go? I'm not talking about a physical separation, but I feel as if I need to establish a sense of my own identity without hurting her feelings. I thought I had a good sense of myself, but now she claims she doesn't even know who I am anymore. I don't know if she's trying to hang on to what she imagined to be when I still lived at home or what? She feels as if she made a mistake in the way she raised me because she does not like who I am. She had prided herself in letting me learn how to be independent, but now she's upset because I'm "too" independent. I realize she wants to still feel needed but I don't know how to let her feel that she's still needed, even though that doesn't mean I want her to come in and regain control of my life. Does any of that make sense?

[BabyGirl]

Some Mothers want their daughters to grow up to be their mini me's. Try making a lunch date with her and talking about your concerns, let her know that you are your own person, and she did the right thing by raising you to be independant.

[meanon]

Recognise that your mother feels she is losing you and that her dependence on you is more to do with how she feels about her own life than about you. When she is crtical try not to take it personally, disagree and explain your point of view but in a way that shows her you care about her. Open conflict will increase her feelings of alienation. If she has unrealistic expectations of the relationship (e.g. amount of time spent together) address these directly rather than allowing the perception of being wronged/rejected to seep into the rest of the relationship. Encourage her to form other relationships if she is lacking them so that you are not the only person she has to depend on (are their interests she could pursue which would bring her into contact with like minded people?). Above all be firm, supportive and calm. In short - become her parent!!! It's odd when this happens but many of us go through it.

[reasontosigh]

her dependence on you is more to do with how she feels about her own life than about you.

I have to totally agree with this. Possibly about the way she was raised herself, but I'm guessing it could also be about how things turned out once an adult herself.

Going by how old you are, I'm thinking your mother is somewhere around my age. (I'm 44)

Any one of a number of possible scenarios are swirling in my mind about what your mother could be thinking here. I've seen a number of different ones in friends and relatives my age, but am certainly in no position to speculate what the case with your mother might be.

[Arabess]

I totally know what you mean!

I have a wonderful Mom who is VERY strong willed. Even after I got married, she kind of 'took over' at every opportunity. It used to aggravate me to death, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything about it. I couldn't even verbalise to myself how much I resented it.

Finally, years later.....I told her. SHE WAS SHOCKED! She said "You silly ninny....why didn't you TELL me....I thought I was HELPING!".

So, maybe you just need to sit her down and find a nice way to say it. Just let her know how much you appreciate that independent spirit she gave you....but you need to EXERCISE it awhile without her assistance.

LOL!

[Glors1116]

Well, my mother is 50 years old, and she's going through a divorce. Not a good combination, especially since her two children are also out of the house. You all have a lot of good perspectives and ideas and I really appreciate that.

She has a lot of problems which I feel she is looking to me to solve. She has asked me more than once to talk to my father for her to facilitate the divorce, she has tried to be my best friend by asking me detailed questions about my sex life which is none of her business and when I wouldn't tell her anything, she started to tell me about her sex life with my dad. Which is definitely not my business.

I guess I do need to learn how to disagree without making her mad. It just seems so difficult. We don't even live in the same state, and I need to stop letting her emotions and feelings and state of mind get to me the way it does. I end up feeling guilty over a lot of things, but I stand firm in my positions, in that I am unable to be her agent when it comes to the divorce, I have my own ideas and thoughts and do not necessarily agree with everything she says and thinks. I probably wasn't doing it the right way before.

She got so mad at me last weekend and went so far as to say I can pretend we don't even know each other any more. I called her a few days ago and she acted like she didn't know who I was. Then she started hollering at me about how I don't respect her and think I'm better than her. I really don't think I'm better than her, but I never hold back when I have an opinion. When I called her today, she was silent for the longest time, and finally she opened up and started talking to me. And I think it was because I came across as if I were asking for her advice and it was a role she was comfortable with. I improved... I made an effort to not point out that I already knew what she had to tell me! That's a step.

I really do want a good relationship with her. I just don't know how to define what I mean by good.