How to know for a fact if Spouse is cheating

ldybg51 · 19th February 2004, 10:24 PM

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What I did... Set up two phones one room that are on same phone line. Suprise your spouse or boyfriend when they get thier with these instructions. Call so-and so right now and have a conversation with her. Have a notpad right there in case you want him or her to say something to this other person you will need to write it down. DO NOT let them give you away in anyway before the truth comes out. Have a game plan in mind as to how you want the conversation to go. Something not overly suspicious that will bring out the truth. I made my husband say this "She is getting suspicious of me cheating what should I do. I need to tell her something but I dont know what to say" Then the other person should spill the beans. Do not let the spouse leave the room under any circumstances before he makes the call. especially if he owns a cell phone. You should only do this if you definitely want to find out and prepare yourself for the truth and decide how you want the relationship to go after this.

In my case I forgave him with conditions, he did not meet those conditions and I left him because I felt he must not love me if he does not care enough to meet these very small desires. I just wanted him to be more romatic and show me that he loved me and he not once even called just to say I love You or bought me a card or even picked me a flower.

Obviously this only works if you know a specific person (my case) or have a cell phone number called frequently (most cases)

Good luck!

Darkangelism · 19th February 2004, 10:34 PM

They might not do what you say, and will sayyou don't trust them.

ldybg51 · 19th February 2004, 10:40 PM

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I told him to get on the phone and do it right then or I would walk out the door and not look back. I was very serious and he knew it. Also If it has gotten to the point where you have a specific number or person to call then you probably shouldnt trust them. And if you were wrong then you will have no doubts. You want constantly be wondering and trying to catch things, that will end a reltionship quicker than anything. And I think that if you are wrong and they are mad then it is time to explain why you felt the way you did and try to fix that problem.

My ex husband was cheating and I knew it in my gut. He denied it up untill the other girl said hello.

dyermaker · 19th February 2004, 10:52 PM

I wouldn't ever need proof.

brashgal · 19th February 2004, 11:29 PM

So now what? You got him to admit he was cheating, what do you do now?

ldybg51 · 19th February 2004, 11:48 PM

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We talked about us and our problems and how we could try to work on things. In my case It had happened months earlier, ( i got him to get her to say that) and only two times. I forgave him and we tried to move on. I actually did succeed in getting past that with his help but then I ended up leaving him because he went back to his old ways. Not the cheating but just the not showing me he loved me EVER. After I left him he really realized he loved me I am sure of this now, but it was too late, I wasnt in love with him anymore. I told him not to even try that it would push me further away and he took me on my word. I was already having feelings for someone else then though or Im sure I would have let him try and we would have succeeded in falling back in love. I really really loved him at one time and he is someone I missed (even with this other guy) for a while and still do sometimes.

ldybg51 · 19th February 2004, 11:55 PM

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The day of our divorce we talked and realized there was a lot of misscommunication (during our split) that caused some of our problems.

20th February 2004, 6:50 AM

I would not tolerate a partner who needed that amount of power over me. I hope you take some responsibility for your own obvious unhappiness and control issues. He should not have cheated, that's a given, but your method of "discovery" indicates a much deeper rooted problem. Please get help immediately.

Kat · 20th February 2004, 6:54 AM

You just know. You don't need any more 'proof' than the loss of trust, intimacy, and that feeling

ldybg51 · 21st February 2004, 12:43 AM

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I will try not to be rude to that very rude comment. NO, I do not need help. I do not have controll issues and your opinion is OBVIOUSLY very uneducated simply because you read a post about one persons method of getting the truth. Especially since it is a relationship you know nothing about and two people you know nothing about. I cannot tell you the kind of person i am in a post on a website and would appreciate if you never try to make that kind of assumption again.

The posts that I have read on this website I have yet to come across one so rude and assuming and would offer you this advice: Dont advise ANYONE to get help unless they are threating SUICIDE, you are not a doctor.

I had a husband that I loved very much but seemed to be cheating on me with my best friend. My Deepseated doubts proved to be true when I found out the only way I could since when I asked him honestly he denied it. There are no deep rooted problems except the fact that he had cheated on me and then let guilt ruin our marriage.

And please try not to reply if you are going to make excuses for your uneducated review of my psychology. That is not what people are asking for on this site they are asking for help with and advice from someone who may have been through what they are going through. A very dark confusing emotional turbulent confusing hurting confusing painful confusing time.

ldybg51 · 21st February 2004, 12:59 AM

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And for those who say "you dont need proof...etc"

I guess some of us do. I had doubts. Here I am wondering if im just crazy jealous and creating things in my own mind or if it is happening and im just trying to deny it. I was so scared and really was not positive if he was or I was just crazy. I had to know the truth because I knew that if we could get past that then we could try to work our issues out and move on. And if I didnt find out the truth I would have kept asking and he would have kept denying until we both just went crazy and probably created severe emotional issues in each other over the years. Maybe I dont know, But I did need my proof for my own reasons.

dyermaker · 21st February 2004, 1:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by ldybg51
The posts that I have read on this website I have yet to come across one so rude and assuming and would offer you this advice: Dont advise ANYONE to get help unless they are threating SUICIDE, you are not a doctor.

What a funny thing to say. Plenty of non-suicidal people need help, and if they weren't told that they should seek it, they'd likely never SEE a doctor.

ldybg51 · 21st February 2004, 1:07 AM

Okay, suicide may not be the only reason but we are not the right people to advise people to seek help unless it is so obvious every reader on here sees it in the many posts of a person. NOT in a simple post about how I found out my spouse was cheating.....

they are asking for help with and advice from someone who may have been through what they are going through. A very dark confusing emotional turbulent confusing hurting confusing painful confusing time.

ldybg51 · 21st February 2004, 1:14 AM

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Sorry wasnt finished...

What Im trying to say with the 1000 mentions of confusing is that a breakup is a very confusing time and people react in 1000 different ways.

It is not very funny that I mention that in reference to his post considering he told me to get help in my life and he knows nothing about me from my one simple post.

Dyer, please go back and read both post and understand the context of what I was saying to sean about HIS not offering people help. He obviously doesnt know when to and when not to.

feeling silly · 21st February 2004, 1:22 AM

I will have to agree with ldybg51 on the needing proof issue. Sometimes we have to know without a doubt.......otherwise we'd live in that "what if" crap. I've been in the position of not knowing and some of us just need to know for sure.
As for the whole phone idea, that's a good one. I see it as drawing out the truth. It is not a bad thing to find out the truth. When I discoverd my ex's affair, my methods were somewhat similar. I told him that I already knew about it, that she had called me and told me everything (a lie), I then gave him the option to tell me his side of the story. I wouldn't tolerate lies, or I would walk out the door. If he told me the whole truth then we could go for counceling (another lie).
He confessed and I left anyway. Sometimes it's necesary to play nasty for the sake of your own sanity.