Will he come back? Is there a chance for us? What can I do?
I have been seriously dating him for almost 2 months. We are together every moment - even when he has his kids and talk on the phone 4-5 times a day. After one week, he was introducing me as his girlfriend.
This Sunday (after a fight with his exwife), he freaked out after a dart game where I got mad and walked away because I thought he wasn't listening to me...(threw my little baby fit). This was our first little problem we have had. I walked back to him 2-3 minutes later and apologized for walking away, and suddenly he starts freaking out and says he isn't ready for this - that he just couldn't do this anymore. After he calmed down, we still went to his house and that night he talked a lot more about how she had hurt him during the divorce. The next day we went to dinner and a movie and everything seemed fine. That night he stayed with me and we even talked about our trip home to visit my parents this weekend. He was excited to go. That morning (Tuesday) he kissed me goodbye and went to work. That evening when he got home from work, he broke up with me. He said he just wasn't ready for a relationship and that he didn't think we should go out anymore.
I talked to him 3 times yesterday and tried to convince him that he is over-reacting to a bad day. I tried to convince him that we should instead just slow down. I told him how much I care about him and that I would never hurt him. But he said that isn't possible to go back now. He says this is the best decision for him right now.
I am so heartbroken. All I have done for 2 days is cry and cry and cry. What can I do??? I don't want to lose him.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. My heart goes out to you.
I was just wondering since you two have been dating for only two months, how long has it been since his previous divorce? Sometimes people can carry baggage (past hurt/feelings) into their next relationship. Especially if they start dating fairly quickly. That's what they call "rebound" relationships.
It seems that he is highly scared of being hurt again, that's why he won't allow himself to get intimately (emotionally/mentally) attached to you. If he hasn't had a decent amount of time to heal past wounds, he is going to carry them into the next relationship he enters (you).
I would just allow him some space and time to heal and let him sort out all his past feelings. Because pushing someone who isn't ready to commit (calling, emailing, etc) might only push them further away.
Thanks for responding so quickly. This is a really difficult day...
They separated around Christmas 2002 and her new boyfriend moved in that week....
Their divorce was final May 2003 and she remarried a month later.
I know that I should give him space and try not to talk to him anymore but I can't do it! In fact, I just got off the phone with him! I paged him and he called right back. We even joked around a little bit and talked about some of our friends. Then I said what I called to say - that I was sorry for being so selfish and only thinking about my feelings - not what he was going through right now. But then, i started saying that I wish we could go back to the way things were before Sunday and how I wish we could just slow it all down. (He sat there in silence.) I said it was difficult that he didn't even act like this was a difficult decision for him - that he didn't even act like he would miss me.
He said of course he would miss me, but he just needed some time. But how do I stop talking to him??? He says he wants to remain friends but how is that possible??? My heart will break everytime I see him, but I can't live a day without him either!
A lot of people have felt the pain and hurt you're feeling right now. Unfortunately, you are going to have to accept the fact that he does not feel prepared to deal with a full relationship at this time.
I know how terrible this is making you feel. But if he has realized that he is not ready to be seriously involved with you after dating two months, you have to respect his wishes. The breakup of his marriage and the divorce are probably still a source of stress to him, and if he feels this way, he's probably not ready to be with anyone right now--you or any other woman. It's better that it happened two months into your relationship, rather than two years down the line.
There's nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better about this breakup, and there's nothing you can do to change his mind but allow him to live his life. If you feel it would cause you pain to be friends with this guy, I'd suggest you not be in contact with him for several months. Put the focus on your life--friends, family, hobbies. Best of luck!
It's been a little over a year since they separated and not even a year since the divorce was finalized. That is seriously not long at all when you're talking about emotionally healing. He is no where near being over the devastation of his marriage. He even told you that his ex-wife really hurt him and no doubt he's still trying to get over that. Also, no doubt that a part of him still loves her.
I would listen to what he's saying and give him the space he asks for. He's realizing he is not emotionally ready to handle a relationship right now and the fact that he knows that and is taking action is a good thing. Many guys would stay in the relationship and things would only get worse. You're better off the way things are.
I know it hurts and isn't fair but you have to make a choice. Can you remain just his friend and wait in the wings so to speak? If not, then a clean break would be adviseable. I am sorry you are hurting. I think he saved you from more heartache in the future. Perhaps when he's ready, you'll rekindle what you had before.
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"Your second chance makes a brilliant first impression
on someone who walks in just when you get it right." ~Unknown
"Your vision will become clear,
Only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams.
He who looks inside, awakens." ~Carl Jung
It IS difficult to see that he did a good thing by identifying that he wasn't ready. But why can't we just slow it down? Why does it have to be completely over? i really feel if we wouldn't have rushed things so much (spent every moment together when we weren't at work and even then talked on the phone and emailed all day) that we would still have had a chance. It was REALLY GOOD between us. I have never experienced anything quite like it.
I keep hoping that he will call back in a couple of days or weeks and say that he over-reacted and wants to try and work something out. Do you think there is a chance or am I just holding on to false hopes? I mean, isn't there a middle ground somewhere?
I can understand and sympathise with what you're going through right now. I'm in a similar situation and my boyfriend and I may end up breaking up for awhile. So believe me that I know how difficult it is. But, unfortunately you're going to have force yourself not to contact him at all. Don't say you "can't" as if you have no control over your own actions. Find other things to do. Keep yourself busy. Walk away from the phone if you're tempted to call him or call a friend instead. Do anything to keep away from him. If you don't you're going to push him away and make him angry at you. If you can stay away then maybe a few months from now he'll be ready to see you. I wouldn't live for that, but you have more of a chance with him that way then you do by pursuing him now when he's told you he's not ready.
Unfortunately slowing things down doesn't do any good either. He needs 100% of his emotional energy to himself. He cannot be connected to or tied down right now to another person. Progress can only take place when totally alone to face the demons he needs to face and then rectify his own feelings by himself.
Trust us when we say he spared you furture heartache. For now, I would say to BELIEVE in what you had with him. If it was truly as good as you say, then maybe in the future, when he's ready, you'll pick up where you left off. There is no sense dwelling on "what might have been" or "if we only did it differently" etc, because you cannot change that now. You are where you are, regardless.
Pick up your chin, and your heart and try to move on. We cannot tell you if there's any hope. That is entirely up to HIM. Again, I am sorry you are going through this. If it was meant to be, you guys will find a way, when the time is right.
I am just gonna miss him so much. I can't even imagine what the weekend is going to be like without him. EVERYTHING reminds me of him so I have exciled myself to my house. I don't want to leave and run into anyone who will ask me where he is or ask how we are doing. We also have a lot of mutual friends and mutual places we hang out so chances are I might run into him or someone that knows and I will break down in front of them.
When am I going to stop crying? I have been hurt before - plenty of times - but never this much over someone I have only known for 3 months and only dated for 2. I have to go back to work on Monday. How will I manage? I am a teacher. How can I stand up in front of a class and exude confidence when inside I am melting away with hurt and anger?
Mollyanna, I can feel your pain, really I can. You obviously care for him so so much. It hurts so much when we loose something we cherish so deeply. Focus on the good times you and he had together. Focus on the notion that maybe he'll realize a little while down the road that he was confused and really wants to be with you regardless.
This weekend, focus on your sadness and watch sappy movies, and cry, cry, cry. It helps to get it all out. Also, it helps some people to just sit and write out everything that they are feeling. Release all that grief and hold on to that shred of hope that someday you guys will be together again. That's really all you can do. I wish you well! It will get easier!
When you're at work you have to put it out of your mind and concentrate on what you're doing. You have to do it - you have to find the strength.
You'll stop crying when you just can't freaking breathe anymore - it always works for me!! LOL - Eventually my sinuses will hurt so much and I can't breathe right and I just have to stop.
What do you like to do? What did you do on weekends before you started seeing him? I read a lot so I can bury myself in a novel or mystery to keep from thinking about something.
I know how you feel, I am going through a similar situation with someone that I've dated on and off for 2 1/2 years. He still has issues of his past divorce. I thought he was ready because he even had a girl live with him before I met him. But unfortunately, at my expense, he isn't over his past. He's over his ex, just not the issues. I'm the one paying the price. But, stay home and cry, do what you have to do. Read a book and escape into that world temporarily just to get bye. I promise you, you don't want him back unless he is 100% sure that you are the one. Mine said I was several times and he still broke up with me last week. It doesn't matter to him how great things were between ya'll, if his goal is to get out of that relationship, then that is what he will do. Let him go, make him worry what you are doing. He'll need you again to boost his ego.
I can guess how he feels, by extrapolating how I feel now in my situation and projecting it forward about a year.
After a 7-year marriage, TBXW sat me down in August and told me she'd been unhappy the whole time, and had had three affairs. I never knew about any of this. We separated at the beginning of November and have talked a few times about reconciling but aren't going to.
A couple of weeks ago I found out she's contemplating moving in with the guy she's dating in a few months. This really messed me up. If they announce they're getting married, that'll probably mess me up too.
Until about a week ago, I'd been dating a woman for about 2 months. I broke it off with her -- it wasn't fair for me to make her think I was ready to commit when I clearly wasn't.
It's monstrously unfair, the whole thing. Not only for you, but for him. I know how he feels. TBXW and I are in different places -- I spent seven years in a long-term, committed relationship and only found out six months ago that it wasn't what it seemed. TBXW hasn't been in the same relationship -- she started "mourning" our marriage four years ago, but had to put that on hold when she got pregnant with our son. In some ways (though not entirely, I'm sure) she's already over this -- after being miserable in a relationship for so long, I'm sure it's great to find herself in one that makes her happy.
People get over things like this at different rates. You have to give him the space he needs. If you're OK with it, see if you can stay friends with him, i.e. not just in the "can we still be friends" sense, but actually spending time together occasionally. Bear in mind that he will, however, be free to date other women. You have to decide what you're comfortable with. But ultimately, he's still damaged, as I am. Hard though it is, try to understand and know that he's not trying to hurt you. I was fortunate in that the woman I was dating was, though saddened and disappointed when I ended things, very understanding, and we're still friends.
I want to be his friend. I don't want to say Goodbye to him. But I am worried that I will always be waiting for something more. And then when he is ready to date again and doesn't pick me - i will be devastated. He said he has remained friends with everyone he has ever dated. But I never heard of any of them. I don't want to be the one he calls "friend" and only sends Christmas cards to but never has a real part in his life.
In the back of my mind all this time, I can't help but think maybe this isn't just about him not being ready. I mean, maybe he just isn't ready for ME. If he thought I was really worth it, wouldn't he fight to hold on to me, no matter how difficult it would be? Why would he just give up after our first little bump in the road? Maybe I am just not the relationship type. Maybe I am just meant to be alone.
I understand how you're feeling. The problem is, you'll likely never know the answer. One of the reasons he may have broken up with you is that, on one level, he wants to find somebody who is like his wife, only without the "bad stuff." I know what that's like, and right now I'm questioning whether I should be dating anybody at all, given how much I have to get over and how new it all is.
But you can't allow yourself to question your worth based on whether or not this particular guy fought to keep you. He's not the yardstick you should use -- he's damaged, and needs to heal before he can be that yardstick and be like "normal" guys.
There's a hell of a lot of stuff going through his head right now. I know that's true of me. On a weird, emotional level, I keep thinking that TBXW and I should try again -- even though my parents and friends and everybody else think it's a recipe for disaster. (Objectively, they're probably right.) She and I have talked about this, but she is happy with her new guy, who supposedly knows everything about her past, and to her it's easier to continue with something new and not surrounded by scorched earth, rather than trying to rebuild from the ruins of our marriage. She's also told me that, after being a liar and a cheater for so long, she's trying to change her life. That's all fine I suppose, but the question I keep asking myself is, why should this OTHER guy get the benefit of her newfound commitment to fidelity and honesty? Why was there never any of that for me? Why am I the poor sucker who gets stuck with nothing but his memories of a fraudulent marriage? So, it's a combination of feeling like she owes it to me to work to fix the marriage, and a residual feeling of possessiveness and territoriality.
I'm only outlining the above to give you an idea of the kind of messed-up sh*t he's dealing with. To you, it was a bump on the road, but there's a hell of a lot going through his mind that you don't see.
You clearly are the relationship type, because you want that. You weren't the problem in the relationship with him -- HE was. The very same thing is true of me. The woman I was dating for two months is sweet, honest, genuine, and thinks the world of me. But -- and this is the perverse thing -- she's not my TBXW. And in spite of all the rotten sh*t TBXW did to me, I still on one level want to try again and make the marriage work. The problem in my 2-month relationship with this other woman was ME, not her.
Don't conclude through this experience that you're meant to be alone. You aren't. You just happened to fall for the wrong guy at the wrong point in his life, and that's nobody's fault. Don't beat yourself up or think there's something wrong with you, and don't be too hard on him either. You can't imagine the emotional turmoil he's going through unless you experience it yourself. And on top of all that, he probably feels very guilty for breaking up with you and feels like he led you on. But the best thing you can do right now is take time for yourself, grieve for your own loss, and move on. You won't be alone forever. Trust me on this.
Last edited by reservoirdog1; 19th February 2004 at 8:17 PM..
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Will he come back? Is there a chance for us? What can I do?
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