I was a secondary school student visiting in America last summer and I met a girl who I was really attracted to. She was attracted to me as well, but I was a virgin (I’m 16) and very, very shy (not to mention very stupid in the ways of seduction – she invited me up to her bedroom and locked the door and I still didn’t understand that meant she wanted to have sex – how naive and stupid can you get?)
Anyway, about a week after this I met someone who said he had “gotten too close to her” implying that they had sex. Now this guy was quite ugly and fat, not disgusting, but kinda repelling in a nerdy way. The girl I was attracted too was very cute and sexy, and I’ve been told that I am rather handsome.
Here’s the problem: as soon as this guy said this to me, I went completely off of her – instantly. It was like a physical nausea at the thought of her with this guy. Nothing ever happened after that and I avoided her when she made advances at me because I couldn’t stand the thought of both her being with this guy and being with her after this guy had.
Being a virgin and not understanding about sex, I wanted a kind of pristine, pure first experience with someone I respected and was deeply attracted to (I know it sounds crass that I don’t say “love”, but this was a very primal and physical, almost uncontrollable attraction) and now, 3 months later after I’ve come home to Australia, I have deep regrets about being so silly and missing a wonderful opportunity with someone I was so very attracted to. (I have never met anyone since or before that I was so uncontrollably physically drawn to in an animalistic way – is that “love”, or at least the beginning of love, when you don’t care what’s happening around you and nothing matters but being with that person?).
Anyway, I feel really bad for snubbing this girl, and am really down on myself for being such an idiot and letting a wonderful opportunity pass us by. I blame myself for being such and idiot about judging her, and for being such a fool that I didn’t realise she wanted me the first time we went into her bedroom. It seems like a lot of people regret having done something (sex too young, etc.) but I regret not having done anything and it seems a much more debilitating and shameful kind of regret.
I’m sorry to vent this here, but I wanted to hear anyone’s opinion on wether this had happened to them, if it’s anywhere near normal, or if I was just being a **** and deserve to feel like an ass. I need to cope with this as there really is no seond chance on this one
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