Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
I found out that my boyfriend is "seeing" someone that he works with. He said that
he's been seeing her for about a year now and has "feelings" for her. What I don't
understand is how he's seeing her if they don't see eachother outside of work. He
comes home after work and we are together in the evenings. I started getting
suspicious about something not being right so I followed my gut instinct. It led me
to his book where I found my proof. He says I snooped. I feel I had every right to
follow my gut instinct in this case. I have the right to know if I'm being played for a
fool.
He said that I am mean to him and he wants someone that 's going to treat him
good and take care of him. I bend over backwards for this man. I have food waiting
for him after work, a clean house daily, anything he needs throughout the evening
I usually will get for him because I love him. The list goes on and on. Maybe I'm just
that stupid. And I don't ask him to spend money on me. If anything, I treat him like
a king.
He acts like he wants to be with her one minute and me the next. For someone
that wants another woman, why is he still going places with me and buying me
things? I didn't talk to him over the weekend and he asked me if I'm gonna keep
ignoring him. He kept looking at me and kept coming near me. We still live together
for the moment. I'm in the process of looking for my own place. He still wants to be
intimate with me but I said absolutely not. There's no need for that anymore.
Why do cheaters put the blame of their cheating on their partners? Are they feeling
guilty when they do that? I wish they would just take the responsibility of their
actions and admit they are dogs. Men and women cheaters.
I don't think he really knows what he wants. This is something he would never do.
This is so unlike him. He is the last person you would expect to do this. I don't
know if he is going through a mid life crisis or what.
I would appreciate all input on this one. I am stumped beyond belief why he is
blaming me for his actions. He cheats and then has the nerve to say I don't love
him or want him anymore. His new thing is that I turned my back on him. Hello,
am I missing something here?
I feel that he is trying to get re-assurance of what he is doing. He wants to make sure that his action of cheating is justified. He is trying to make himself feel better and his choice is correct.
These kind of people are really cowards and losers. They refused to admit their mistakes and blame others for their deviation. They do not have the guts to admit to their infidelity.
Some cheaters feel guilty and some do not. Right now, he is not feeling guilty. You are now searching for lots of answers to all the "why?"s. This is the stage which you will go through. You should think of yourself now and start to plan what to do next (for your own well being).
Nope, still his fault. Even if you had done something wrong, he should have talked to you about it. He's trying to rationalize being a jerk - that's why he's blaming you. You didn't make him cheat. If you weren't treating him right or he had some problem he should have communicated that to you. Or, if he's just a big whimp and can't even do that, he should have left. But he shouldn't cheat on you and then blame you for it.
Common among all dysfunctional behaviors and even those suffering from addictions is the tendency to blame other people for their actions or condition. This is one of the many forms that the self-defense mechanism known as ‘denial’ takes. Actually, no one is responsible for the adulterer’s behavior any more then the addict’s relapse but him- or herself.
While significant others may play a key role in helping to perpetuate a dysfunctional relationship, it is the responsibility of no one but the individual if he or she chooses to conduct an affair…just as it is the addicts responsibility if he or she picks up the bottle and resumes drinking or abusing drugs as a means to avoid addressing their underlying problems.
Significant others can only empower their partner to accept accountability for their actions by not allowing the shifting of responsibility for their behavior, and by not participating in denial themselves by accepting blame. But this is often difficult when we are struggling to find reasons as to why someone we thought we knew so well would step out of character and do something so hurtful.
Families, social circles (and workplaces) are dynamic systems with interlacing networks of relationships and personal interactions that can sometimes reinforce each other’s psychological predispositions or patterns of destructive behaviors. But the bottom line is that a cheater cheats for no other reason than he or she is compelled to do so. Period. It's not the wife's fault, the other woman’s fault, the other man’s fault, or anyone's other than the cheater’s.
Hopefully, knowing this will help you to relieve yourself of any burden of blame. And just as it was his decision to have an affair, it is now your decision to forgive or walk away. No one is responsible for your choices any more than you are responsible for theirs. Period.
MOST Cheaters always blame someone other than themselves! If they took responsibility for their own actions....they would have to admit they are in the wrong. Not admitting they are in the wrong....is how they live with their own deceit.
He won't change...because he's done nothing wrong (in his own mind). You and the other woman will do the fighting and blaming instead. He'll stay in the middle like the spineless coward he is....and keep the love of both women involved.
If he wanted to be with YOU....he would be with you only.
If he wanted to be with HER....he would be with her only.
He wants BOTH of you because it makes HIM feel good.
He doesn't care about anyones else's feelings....or acknowledge the fact that when someone loves you....they don't SHARE you. That's ludicrous!
Both of the women involved try to read between the lines to convince themselves 'he cares' more for them than the 'other one'.....and both are fooling themselves. He cares for NO ONE but himself.
I do care about your feelings though and I'm sorry you are having to go thru this. It seems in everyone's life...there just HAS to be one of these 'cheater asses' in it. It makes you feel like crap. No one deserves it....
He still wants to be intimate with me but I said absolutely not. There's no need for that anymore.
God bless you, dear lady! That is the kind of clear thinking that so often seems sadly absent among LS posters. Your thoughts are absolutely right on - and your bf is thinking up any lame story or rationalization to justify his own screwups. It would be hard for him to look in the mirror and say, "I am a cakeman." So he doesn't.
What I don't understand is how he's seeing her if they don't see each other outside of work.
Neither do I. Have they just been having lunchtime quickies?
He said that I am mean to him.
Neener, neener! And he's a cheating liar with his pants on fire!
Once you get this clown kicked out of the ring, you'll find a nice guy who wants a two-way relationship. I'm quite sure of it. Good luck!
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
I wanted to thank everyone for lending some advice to me. It was all very useful
and I greatly appreciate it. Some good points were made and I agree with just
about everything said. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't just me seeing things
this way. Love does some stupid things to your mind.
Vivid_29, the answer to your question is: no, I most certainly do not blame myself
for my boyfriend's cheating...honestly!!!! I have no reason to blame myself. I loved
him unconditionally, gave him my heart and soul and in return, he hurts me like this.
I did nothing to push him into cheating. He made that decision, along with her, now
they can live with it. He will, in time, realize everything he lost. And can't get back!!!
Because I will absolutely not share him with anyone. That's disgusting!!!!!!
We've had our share of fights like everyone else. I've made mistakes but nothing
like his mistake. I can honestly say I've been faithful to him the whole time we
were together. Never had any desire to cheat. That's not my kind of thing.
Good one SoleMate on the neener neener, he's a cheater, pants on fire thing. That
was cool. Thank you.
Vivid_29, the answer to your question is: no, I most certainly do not blame myself
for my boyfriend's cheating...honestly!!!! I have no reason to blame myself.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Why do cheaters play the blame game reversal?
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