Do any of you ever wonder what it would feel like to be in the wife's shoes? Do you stop to think of the pain you met someone through for no fault of theirs? I hear people saying things like "Oh the marriage was already rocky", but the fact of the matter is, an affair CAN ruin even a moderately happy marriage! There's no excusing the husband, but as another woman, wouldn't the "lover" empathize with the wife?
In my case, the other woman was a girl friend who returned to his life. We don't have kids together, he has twins with her and she used them as hostage to get him back. They now live together and I wish them well. I've filed for divorce and am taking him for every dime he has in the bank. Sometimes I think like does attract to like. Trash belongs together.
You know what happens? These guys lie like hell!!!!! How they can run between two women....never ceases to amaze me.
I was with a married man for over 2 years.....who was actually separated. When push came to shove though....he didn't get the final divorce and I broke up with him.
Due to that situation......I have great empathy for the 'other woman'. Not because I'm promoting adultry.....but because I know the end result of that great pain of the heart they get left with.
I've never minimized the wife's pain......I've always said the only person MORE miserable than the other woman they lied to....was the wife stuck with him.
I think the bottom line is this though......the two women blame each other instead of the A$$Clown who has lied to both of them. If a woman meets a guys and he starts his "she gives me no sex, she takes all my money, she is a bitch.....blah spiel".....well, if a woman likes a guy.....she will fall for that. Maybe she is wrong....but she didn't do it to break up his marriage....she thought it was already OVER. She assumes it is only a matter of time before he gets out of it.
Because of that....she doesn't feel the responsibilty. Actually, the person responsible is the LYING A$$ in the middle. He cares about NOTHING but himself.....but yet these two women blame each other.....while he coasts as the victim. It makes me mad every time!
Don't be more pissed at HER for believing his lies......as you are at HIM....for starting the whole mess. He's the same guy who lied to YOU too!!! I think the two women should get together and beat the crap out of these guys. LOL!
I'm sorry you are hurting and everything is so crappy. Just place the blame where the blame should be. ON HIM! Then, you won't miss him so much. You are rid of a major PEST!
Originally posted by Arabess
You have every reason to be upset.
You know what happens? These guys lie like hell!!!!! How they can run between two women....never ceases to amaze me.
I was with a married man for over 2 years.....who was actually separated. When push came to shove though....he didn't get the final divorce and I broke up with him.
Due to that situation......I have great empathy for the 'other woman'. Not because I'm promoting adultry.....but because I know the end result of that great pain of the heart they get left with.
I've never minimized the wife's pain......I've always said the only person MORE miserable than the other woman they lied to....was the wife stuck with him.
I think the bottom line is this though......the two women blame each other instead of the A$$Clown who has lied to both of them. If a woman meets a guys and he starts his "she gives me no sex, she takes all my money, she is a bitch.....blah spiel".....well, if a woman likes a guy.....she will fall for that. Maybe she is wrong....but she didn't do it to break up his marriage....she thought it was already OVER. She assumes it is only a matter of time before he gets out of it.
Because of that....she doesn't feel the responsibilty. Actually, the person responsible is the LYING A$$ in the middle. He cares about NOTHING but himself.....but yet these two women blame each other.....while he coasts as the victim. It makes me mad every time!
Don't be more pissed at HER for believing his lies......as you are at HIM....for starting the whole mess. He's the same guy who lied to YOU too!!! I think the two women should get together and beat the crap out of these guys. LOL!
I'm sorry you are hurting and everything is so crappy. Just place the blame where the blame should be. ON HIM! Then, you won't miss him so much. You are rid of a major PEST!
Arabess:
I am a BS and my WH had an EA/PA for six weeks. He told the OW that our marriage was over (the state it was in when he started the A was pretty bad) and he was figuring out a plan to leave. Within the month, things got much better for me (thought us but...) and I did EVERYTHING to pull our relationship back together. He made me believe things were getting better and he was working on our marriage too. He said NOTHING to the OW of these developments. Just strung her along too. Finally ended A when I caught him (talk about a two by four to the head - NEVER expected or suspected it!!)
Several months after DDay, we ran into OW in church and she purposely walked right in front of him. He was pissed!! He ranted, "What is she trying to do? Why would she do that?" I was amazed!! I said, "She's pissed and I don't blame her!! You f***ed with her head as much as you did with mine. Don't be surprised if she takes every opportunity to piss you off when she can." Which she has on two more occasions since then. Not that I am thrilled with this (throws me for a loop and triggers anger, pain etc.) but I totally agree that the wayward spouse, for the most part, has most of the blame if he lied to both parties. (in some instances sowm women are just out for what they want no matter what.)
The OW actually apologized to me and said she knew she made a mistake dating a married guy. She really believed him when he said his M was over. I advised her to think twice about a M man even if he says those things...either talk to the wife or wait til he is divorced or separated...makes things better for both women involved. She got hurt in this fiasco too.
It's amazing how there are so many affairs. It's like when people get married, they forget that they took their vows before God and promised to love......until death do us part". It's like marriage isn't taken seriously anymore.
I'm only 24 and been married twice. My first husband and I were only 19 and divorced at 21 (we're still friends, no kids together) and my current husband and I are going through weird times because he made out with my sisters friend while I was preg w/ our child.
I don't know why men are like that. They are truly another species and I have just learned recently that I will never figure them out completely.
It's funny how we women bring them into this world and they cannot even respect us.
Last edited by supermom; 11th February 2004 at 6:44 PM..
Reason: corrected a word
Originally posted by supermom
I'm only 24 and been married twice. My first husband and I were only 19 and divorced at 21 (we're still friends, no kids together) and my current husband and I are going through weird times because he made out with my sisters friend while I was preg w/ our child.
I don't know why men are like that. They are truly another species and I have just learned recently that I will never figure them out completely.
It's funny how we women bring them into this world and they cannot even respect us.
Easy sister.
Men, real men, are not like that. Maybe, just maybe, women need to seriously re-evaluate what they consider to be good qualities in their men.
Signs of failed marriages or infidelities on either persons part, can probably be found in the persons character early on, if willing to look for it.
The fact of the matter is that regardless of what the OW/OM decides to believe, they still slept with a MARRIED person. Why should it matter if the marriage is "practically" over??
Here is a little piece of common sense: IT ISN'T OVER UNTIL IT IS OVER!!!!!!
If he isn't divorced, then you are the dummy for believing him.
It is a simple question: Is he married, or isn't he? There is no in-between here. Either he is single or he isn't.
How hard is that for people to understand???
Yes, the A$$Clown is a jerk. We all know that. But I'm not going to go for this "I was misled and he told me he loved me" crap. With the exception of a person who is actually lied to about whether someone is single or not, there is no excuse. "Almost single" isn't single. If he hasn't filed, then move along ladies!
Case in point: The woman who posted a few days ago wondering if she should have an affair with a married man who has been flirting with her. She actually had the cojones to say that in some cases affairs are healthy! FOR WHO?!?!?!? And another poster who had her head up her rear: Virgo2004. These women were both completely disinterested in hearing all the good advice they were offered. They just wanted a pat on the back and a "Go to it! Knock yourself out!"
Originally posted by WifeInDistress
.... I've filed for divorce and am taking him for every dime he has in the bank. Sometimes I think like does attract to like. Trash belongs together.
So you were trash, and now his every dime has made you treasure?
"....but the other woman, would the 'lover' empathize the wife..."
not realistic to expect such a courtesy!
In this country, shoplifting is more serious than "stealing" your husband. The theif goes to prison, the other woman dosent have to. Your husband is willing to be "stolen" and be a conspirator. Dont even mention about moral, people have very different moral standards.
If you dont see any point that why your husband left "treasure"for "trash", why he gave up all the happiness and money he had with you and jumpped into all the trouble with her, you will have no chance to save your marriage.
Grab as much money as you can, if that eases your pain.
I'm sorry for what you are going through and I hope that you'll soon find peace, happiness, and a resolution you are content with.
As on OW, I can share my thoughts.
I think in many, many cases - and certainly in mine - OW become involved in relationships with MM when the MM convinces them that his marriage is over and that he is therefore, both emotionally available and soon to be otherwise, legally,etc. available.
The fact that we fall for it is another issue...but many of us do.
My goal was never about breaking up a marriage or hurting innocent people - it was about being in a relationship with someone I believed was available - and I think this is the case with many OW. What we often learn the hard way is that "it's not over till it's over" and that in fact, these men are NOT available, and in many/most cases, never will be.
At the end of the day, as I believe Arabess referenced, the real offender here is the MM who breaks his marriage vows, makes promises he can't or won't keep to another woman, all while lying and cheating on his spouse. And then, somehow, the MM often escapes the entire thing unscathed - while the OW and the betrayed wife turn on each other - when in fact - he's the devil in this triangle.
I'm not implying that the OW (I'll personalize it and say I) is innocent, not at all. Just that the one who betrayed the spouse is really the husband, not the other woman who belived his lies.
Fifi - this is just an issue I have in general but you mentioned it - people aren't property to be "stolen". It takes two people to consent to have an affair. No one BELONGS to anyone else. People take that "MY wife" "MY husband" literally. Just because the person made a committment doesn't mean he or she is the spouse's property (- although women were considered property only a hundred + years ago.)
I'm not saying it's right to get involved with a married person, but it's not stealing if that person leaves his/her spouse for the other. People have free will and let's face it - most women who have tried to get men to leave a marriage for them have failed big time. Most of the time they don't leave. They do exactly what they want to do.
Originally posted by kkat
I'm sorry for what you are going through and I hope that you'll soon find peace, happiness, and a resolution you are content with.
As on OW, I can share my thoughts.
I think in many, many cases - and certainly in mine - OW become involved in relationships with MM when the MM convinces them that his marriage is over and that he is therefore, both emotionally available and soon to be otherwise, legally,etc. available.
The fact that we fall for it is another issue...but many of us do.
My goal was never about breaking up a marriage or hurting innocent people - it was about being in a relationship with someone I believed was available - and I think this is the case with many OW. What we often learn the hard way is that "it's not over till it's over" and that in fact, these men are NOT available, and in many/most cases, never will be.
At the end of the day, as I believe Arabess referenced, the real offender here is the MM who breaks his marriage vows, makes promises he can't or won't keep to another woman, all while lying and cheating on his spouse. And then, somehow, the MM often escapes the entire thing unscathed - while the OW and the betrayed wife turn on each other - when in fact - he's the devil in this triangle.
I'm not implying that the OW (I'll personalize it and say I) is innocent, not at all. Just that the one who betrayed the spouse is really the husband, not the other woman who belived his lies.
Okay, how about when the OW Knows you personally and still goes for it? I am having a hard time because my hubby cheated on my sister's friend while I was preg (16 mos ago) but it is new to me because I just found out 3 wks ago. I am having a hard time because the OW was like a sister to me (so I thought). I wanted to fight her physically, but as I am reading all these posts I am now starting to be more mad at my husband than her, but then again, she KNEW me and KNEW I was preg. What do you do about that?
Ahhhh…but in some US States it *is* still considered a 'theft' of sorts and some jilted husbands and wives have successfully sued their spouses’ affair partners for big bucks! (cha-ching!)
But don’t get too excited folks, this law has already been abolished in most states and will probably not exist much longer. I'm not an attorney, so I'm hardly prepared to argue any facts, but I thought this might provide some food for thought!
It would be interesting to hear whether or not people think this law should be abolished or perhaps sustained?? (Pros/Cons)
Of course, it might require its own thread! As for me --- I'm ducking out!!
Quote:
Alienation of affection(s) is a legal action, a tort based on willful and malicious interference with marriage relations by a third party. The elements constituting the cause of action are wrongful conduct of the defendant, plaintiff’s loss of affection or consortium of spouse, and a causal connection between the two. Not all states recognize the right to bring an alienation of affections action. It is usually viewed as not being relevant or easily applied in modern society.
States in which alienation of affection is possibly a viable cause of action:
Hawaii
Illinois
Mississippi
Missouri (appears recently abolished)
New Hampshire
New Mexico
North Carolina
South Dakota
Utah
[To succeed on an alienation claim, the plaintiff often must show that (1) the marriage entailed love between the spouses in some degree; (2) the spousal love was alienated and destroyed; and (3) defendant’s malicious conduct contributed to or caused the loss of affection. It is often not necessary to show that the defendant set out to destroy the marital relationship, but only that he or she intentionally engaged in acts that likely would impact the marriage.]
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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