After all of the talking I have done about the solidity of my own marriage, and the counseling we've gone through and how happy/content we've been I can't believe I'm doing this. There is a reason that you all haven't heard much from me lately (and no one missed me!)
Things have happened that I can't go into. I have been reviewing posts on this website -- especially my own posts. I'm taking my own advice and filing for divorce. I am stirring up the gumption to go and talk with him about everything and I have plenty of tissues at hand. I know I will cry. We have been able to talk before and we will talk about this too and that part will be okay - I hope and am reasonably confident that we will part on good terms. But it's going to hurt. I think at this juncture it is the right thing to do though. There is very little left that he or I can do to save the marriage now. He may offer some suggestions and I'll try to be open to them, but I doubt there is anything he can say or do, and I think he wants this too and has also been thinking/planning it lately.
I'm scared ****less about what is going to happen now financially. Our house note went up (taxes -- like everyone else around here) and I'm still not working full-time, but I do have a decent contract position and will be employed for the next 9 or 10 months here if I don't find something else first. (Things are picking up a bit and I think I'll be able to find a good job this year). It will be tight without his disability check, but then again--I won't be paying to support him either. No more computer crap or extra food. We will have a fight over the computer I'm sure. I need to have one at home and he will want to take it. I'll worry about that later. I have to stay focused right now.
Oh Hokey! You HAVE been missed on here, and I am sad to hear your news, but then if it is for the best for you, and for him, then that is a good thing. Of course, endings are never easy. But endings bring new beginnings. And if you end up working through this together, then you can start a new beginning together.
You are such a smart, strong, vibrant and tough woman and you have survived so much in your life, that you will of course get through this, and march forward to even better things ahead!
I congratulate you for having the strength to do what you think is right, because I am sure this must be VERY VERY hard for you.
Cry, be angry, vent on here, talk to people, do whatever you need to do to get through this with your sanity intact. We are here to listen and support you too.
In terms of working out your finances and assets if it comes to that, take each step at a time. If you find yourself in need of detailed financial advice or suggestions, pls let me know, because my partner (known on this site as Bunnyboy) is a financial planner, and could perhaps offer some guidance. He may even respond to this post if he comes online and sees it (he doesn't come on here often).
Wow Hokey... I definitely noticed that you weren't around and you were missed. I am so sorry to hear about what has been going on with you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.
__________________
"Your second chance makes a brilliant first impression
on someone who walks in just when you get it right." ~Unknown
"Your vision will become clear,
Only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams.
He who looks inside, awakens." ~Carl Jung
It's done. We talked. I actually threw up I was so upset--that's not easy for me to say. I've always been the strong one in the family and I've never felt like this before. It's like my insides turned to mush.
I just can't write what has happened. Its so raw. I hadn't got really started talking yet and he jumped in with "when do you want me to move out?" I just sat there. I still care about him -- you know how that is. He is family and always will be, a marriage certificate doesn't change that. Our history can't be changed and I wouldn't have gone through all of that for anyone but family.
I am literally sick. I've got to go put some ice on my eyes---I'm one of those people whose eyes swoll shut and stay that way for a day and I have to go to work tomorrow. I can't stop shaking.
I'm not worried about money right now -- like Scarlett always said; "I'll think about that tomorrow"
I can get a handle on my finances once I'm the only one taking care of things. He said he thought the only fair thing to do was to sell the house and everything in it and split the money. Logically I know that is fair, but emotionally I feel like he should just leave and I keep whatever I can since I'm the one who was working and supporting him 90% of our married life. I'll think about that tomorrow too. I think I'm going to be sick again.
Sometimes people have to asses where their life is and make a decision if this is the same path they wish to complete it on. Sometimes it is.....and sometimes it isn't. We aren't cats with nine lives....we have the ONE...and we need to make it count to ourselves.
Divorce isn't easy.....nor always the answer. However, when it IS the answer....all you can do is be strong, remember your focus and begin a new journey. Turning back due to a shortage of finances or just being lonely....is a sell out....if you really DO need to go in a different direction to be all that you can be.
I don't think it minimizes the love, tears or years you two shared together. It's only that the time has come....to close the book...and begin a NEW ONE.
There will be mixed opinions from friends and family.....but ultimately in the end....the only person left to answer for your life....is YOU.
Good Luck my friend....who I deeply respect......
Arabess
Hokey, I just want to tell you that I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles. I know it will be some time before the pain and anxiety diminishes but until then I wish you strength and all the best.
Take care, Clancy.
I talked to Beth (Hokey) last night. She is doing ok--she said she just hasn't had the energy to reply a lot, but is still reading LS posts every day. Maybe when she can get more sleep she will have more energy to be more active on the LS boards. She still has her sense of humor and one of her first comments was that now she may be able to offer some new viewpoints since she is gaining so much more experience in how relationships evolve and end.
She and her husband are still friends and still care about each other and it's not an abusive or angry separation. She received a lot of PMs and just hasn't felt like replying and I told her I would send a "thank you" out today. So "thank you" from HokeyReligions - she does appreciate your responses and your good wishes.
As for me, I was shocked too -- I thought everything was fine, but when you lose both of your kids in so short a time it takes its toll on a marriage. I'm still hoping that they can work it out--but if you can't, Beth, then know that you have friends (on line and in person) who will be here to help you through it.
I hope you don't mind my using your real name -- but you are more than 'Hokey' to a lot of people!
I hope you will get through this with as little pain as possible, though that will still be too much pain. We're all behind you here, and we'll be waiting to hear how you're doing.
Please pm if you need anything from any of us.
And Errol, thanks for keeping us posted. I'm glad to know that Hokey is talking to someone here.
my heart goes out to you hokey -- I know you've had so many things coming at you at once, but I didn't even imagine divorce was also one of them. You have my prayers and well wishes, and a shoulder when you need it.
errol, thank you for posting reassurances about Beth, it's good to know that someone from here is able to get outside the confines of cyberspace to just be there for her. I know it means a lot to her.
I miss you Hokey, and know that I've thought about you often. If you need anything, I'm just up the road
hugs,
jo anne
__________________ Get out there and rub a little sunshine on your face. – gunny376
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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