My name is Joe. For the past 10 years, I have been with the most patient and loving wife any man could ask for. Sure, there were bad times, and we did things to get on each other's nerves. Most of the things we did were fun.
I just lost her.
I did something that was innocent on the outside, but when I wrote the thing I did in an email, it made it sound like I had done something very wrong. My wife found it, and now she doesn't believe what I say actually happened. She has packed up and moved out.
I miss her so much already. I know that everything is my fault. I may never see her again. Im terribly scared and lonely...and I cant stop crying.
Not knowing what you did makes it hard to give meaningful advice but it if your wife is a reasonable person, I would guess that once she calms down you can present the truth to her and she will accept it.
Why do you think your wife would walk away from 10 years of marriage over a misunderstanding? Is there something more going on?
Joe, there is no end to the depth of understanding we must have to be able to relate real events to how many females behave. The answer to why she packed up and left probably had a lot more behind it than you, I, or anyone could possibly understand. More than likely finding your email was a "straw that broke the camel's back." Don't even try to understand this. It is impossible.
So, rather than rational analysis, what other choice do you have? While you would most probably reject the notion of actually becoming a woman, trying to feel like a women seems to be very helpful. So, if you can empathise with her feelings, how would you act?
Now try to actually communicate to her on this level. Believe me, I know what I'm asking you to do is like asking you to stand on your head while eating a taco, but if you manage this trick, it might work.
It is amazing how females can put up with years of mistreatment, patiently and lovingly swallowing their own hurt, until one day, something snaps. She may have been saying to herself all along, "Well, he's lazy, growing a gut, never takes me anywhere, spends more time with the TV than with me, and wastes our money, but at least I know he's faithful." Then one day even that belief is shattered.
The male myth that women are hard to understand is just that. Actually, women are quite easy to understand if you actually talk to them and listen to what they say. That's usually the hard part, though.
I agree that a woman in a generally good marriage will not walk out because of just one email, no matter WHAT it said. So there is more to this story - maybe parts you ignored for years.
The only help is joint counselling. I suggest you call or write her, or approach her anyway you can, and ask for a chance to attend counselling with her. It's a positive step that you take responsibility. Please try to focus away from your own hurt, onto her buried or smothered hurt that has lain dormant for years, that drove her to this (in my estimation).
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
Joe, I'm really sorry you're hurting so bad right now. You really didn't give us much information to go on. Who did you send the email to? Your wife? Or did she read something you'd written to someone else?
You need to get in touch with your wife ASAP and talk to her. Answer any questions she may have and come totally clean with her. You can't assume that all is lost at this point. These things have a way of working out. Keep us posted!
__________________
Don't cast your pearls before swine.
Thank you all for responding...And i appreciate your help.
I have not been a good husband in the sense that I have basically took her for granted over the years. I would always correct what she said, ar get angry over things that were really not that important. I had been treated in the past for depression, and it helped, but I have been off my medication for a long time. I am now trying to find some way to get back on it, no matter how much weight I'll gain.
The biggest problem with us seemed to revolve around sex. Our love life was good, but it never seemed to satisfy me. I would always complain as to why she wouldn't do this or that. I believe this hurt her more than anything else. I called one of our mutual female friends, and what started as a joke, turned into phone sex. This mutual friend stopped talking to me, and when she started talking to me once again, I worte an email telling her that it "was nice being with her sexually." In my own mind, that's what it was, but the content of the letter was meant as sarcasm...nothing more.
I have always made my wife feel as if "She's not good enough." I'm now paying the price. I have realized that my life is so incomplete without her, that everyday I was with her, I was a complete jackass.
Originally posted by SoleMate
It is amazing how females can put up with years of mistreatment, patiently and lovingly swallowing their own hurt, until one day, something snaps. She may have been saying to herself all along, "Well, he's lazy, growing a gut, never takes me anywhere, spends more time with the TV than with me, and wastes our money, but at least I know he's faithful." Then one day even that belief is shattered.
So, So, True.
Quote:
Originally posted by SoleMate
The male myth that women are hard to understand is just that. Actually, women are quite easy to understand if you actually talk to them and listen to what they say. That's usually the hard part, though.
Exactly.
Ripcop - it sounds like you know the answer. People (women and men) can only take so much of being put down. Sounds like that email was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe things can work out if you get counseling and teach yourself to appreciate her all the time (not just when you're losing her). Good luck-
Ripcop - Given what you know now, do you feel it is in your wife's best interest to come back to you? Would you go back to a situation that was a round-the-clock kick in the teeth for you? Would you recommend it to your sister?
Please think about that.
And go ahead and vent - 98% of the people on this forum know all about pain and are here to vent as well. Even if you can't patch things up with your wife, you can change yourself and be ready to build another relationship, based on mutual respect and love, that will last.
Thank you. And no, I wouldn't want to come back to a situation like that. But I want my wife back, and I told her that I am willing to be castrated if she comes back to me. I have caused her too much pain for so long, that nothing in my life matters now other than making her happy.
I am trying my best to change. I have scheduled conseling and Psych appointments so far. I do want to become a better person than what I am now.
There is no easy answer here - you will need to prove you are capable of change and that you love her. You stand a better chance of doing this if you are clear headed and determined. Strive for it like you would do any other goal worth attaining. Good luck.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
You're welcome Joe
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