What to do about telling someone her husband is having an affair?
I bartend in a nice restaurant in the city. For the past year or longer this man (married and wearing his ring) has come in about three times a week with his girlfriend. They sit at my bar and talk and eat dinner and it is 100% clear from their conversations and displays of affection that they are in love and having an ongoing relationship. He's always showing up with gifts for her, and I overhear enough of their conversations to know that they are sexually and emotionally involved and they are always plotting his lies for their next date.
Another woman who works in the restaurant recognizes this man because he lives in the suburb she grew up in. She knows his wife's name, but doesn't know her personally. The suburb is a small place where everybody knows everybody's business and she knows that this man had another big affair before but his wife took him back.
We both hate cheaters and were thinking about calling this lady and tipping her off. Is that the right thing to do? We would not be able to say who we are because we'd get fired. Would that matter?
Stay out of these people's business and don't make any calls. If the man's wife was your best friend, it might be different but you don't know her. Spilling the beans now could cause major heartache for a lot of people while not doing so might afford a chance for the affair to die a natural death. In any case, make it a point of staying out of other people's affairs in all respects. You'll live a happier life that way.
You think you are taking the moral high road, by standing up for what is right.
This attitude is selfish, because you're neglecting to see both sides of your actions. You value your own personal integrity more than the feelings of others--and I'm not talking about the man, I'm talking about his wife. If he is a cheater, and spends most of his time sneaking off, chances are she already knows, and has resigned to such a heartrending life. It's not your business to breach your own professional integrity to "rescue" her--because your kindness will have the opposite effect.
Rather than feeling rescued, she will feel abandoned, again--knowing that her deepest fears are solidified. It's rare that a wife catches the husband cheating, fixes things, and feels good about it--and almost impossible the second time around.
In order to reduce the temptation, does your bar establishment reserve the right to refuse service to anyone?
Personally, I'd find a way to tell her. Your best bet would be an anonymous letter, signed as "somebody who's seen them at the bar a number of times and overheard the conversations."
From my perspective, his wife has a right to know. The only question is, whether or not you have the "right" to tell her. And, I'd say your action in telling her would be value neutral. Don't do it out of any misguided notion that you'll be a saviour, though. But equally, you won't be guilty of "wrecking" the marriage -- he's already done that. If it was me (and it has been), I'd want to know.
I disagree with Dyer -- there's nothing to suggest that his wife "already knows". She might, but nobody knows for sure. My TBXW had three affairs during our 8-year engagement and marriage, and I didn't know about any of it until this past August.
Once you've told her, drop it -- what happens after that isn't your concern. If a few months go by and you see him again with another woman, then W probably is aware and has resigned herself. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Take some pictures. Send them to the guy with a post office box number and requested dollar amount. Yes, I'm kidding.
It is not your place to say anything. If you feel you must, then send a picture (not taken from the vantage point of the bar--but from where any other patron might be seated) and send the pic to the guy with a note "You tell your wife, or I will" and leave it at that. Hopefully he will come clean and all parties who are actually involved can begin the task of moving on in whatever directions they choose.
My vote is for "say nothing" since neither of you ladies know this man and his wife personally.
Besides, he seems rather reckless about parading the affair in public, and eventually someone else is going to see them and spill the beans, anyway. Particularly when it comes to small town gossip!
Better to leave that decision to someone who actually knows them.
We both hate cheaters and were thinking about calling this lady and tipping her off. Is that the right thing to do? We would not be able to say who we are because we'd get fired. Would that matter?
If it's truly the right thing to do, you should be willing to do it at the cost of your job. If you ever MUST send such a letter, don't make it anonymous. Imagine the sick feeling of a wife getting an anonymous letter accusing her husband of cheating. How much attention would she pay to an anonymous letter? Most people consider them trash and throw them away, but she probably won't be able to sleep.
You really don't KNOW anything other than that they eat and drink together, and exchange presents.
I agree that cheating stinks, but so do anonymous letters, eavesdropping, and gossiping about other people's supposed love affairs. How about focussing on making yourself the best person you can be, and leaving others to manage their own business for better or for worse?
BTW, if you work at a bar, I'm sure there are lots of adulterers, fornicators, tax dodgers, illegal parkers, and so forth patronizing your establishment. How far do your investigative and enforcement duties go? Do you just apply them to the juicy, gossip-worthy situations?
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
If I was a wife and my husband was cheating, I would want to know as soon as possible so I could kick his butt out. BUT, that's me. Not knowing how someone else felt about it, I would not take the liberty of telling her about her cheating husband. Maybe she's the type who lives by the "ignorance is bliss" method of dealing with things.
One part of me feels that anyone who stays with a cheater sends a message that his/her cheating was, while hurtful and disrespectful, acceptable and forgiveable. That tells the cheater he/she could get away with it again. If you tell, you may hurt the wife more and not change a thing about what's happening.
I don't get you people..If it was your man or woman cheating on you ,you wouldn't want to know?You would want to be oblivious to everything and think everything was ok? I know if I was the wife/girlfriend I would want to know and I don't care how I found out.
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Yes, I'm kidding. 
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