[canthandleit]

Hello everyone, I am new to this board.. I hope I can get some sane advice.. First of all I have to stay that I have a great boyfriend. I have been with him on and off for about six years. We have a very healthy relationship and we truly respect and care about each other... The problem:

A year and a half ago my boyfriend and I broke up.. I guess you can say that I left him for another guy.. He was that "bad boy" type of guy.. Let's just say that I went through alot of tears before I finally left and couldn't take it anymore.. The whole thing lasted for about 9 months..within those nine months we moved in together and everything went really fast..Alot of lust!!!

So, needless to say my boyfriend took me back and accepted my apology.. Things have been great since.. EXCEPT... I can't stop thinking of my X.. It all started during the holidays.. I recieved an e-mail from my X.. It said that he loves me still that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him and that he wants me to be happy but also that if I ever want to give it a second chance he will always be there..

Ever since..I've recieved several e-mails..I have not written back to them though but I can't help but think about him all the time.. It's really starting to effect my relationship I feel like I'm being snippy towards my boyfriend and then I get really depressed for the way I'm being towards him...

Please help...has anyone ever been through this.. I feel as though I will never ever have the same passion I had with my X...then I tell myself what a great guy I have and how stupid I am to even think about my X.. I'm miserable!!!!

[Marty_McFly]

[i]I feel as though I will never ever have the same passion I had with my X...then I tell myself what a great guy I have and how stupid I am to even think about my X

I guess the first thing I would ask is what have YOU done to try to increase the passion in your current relationship? Passion is definitely a two-way street, and especially after 6 years, it occasionally has to be "renewed." Have you tried to do anything to "seduce" your boyfriend lately? Maybe doing and/or wearing something that inspires that "lust" you had with your ex in this boyfriend. Also, maybe you can buy him a new outfit that you think would make him look totally hot, and then when he wears it and you guys go out you'll be lusting after him.

If you're happy with your boyfriend, which I think you are, you need to tell your ex to quit emailing you and that you're happy and you don't want him in your life anymore. And definitely don't tell him about the feelings that you have because it will only be incentive for him to keep bugging you. Breaking off contact will be the only way you can put those dangerous feelings out of your mind.

Then start doing things (like I mentioned above or other things) to increase the passion in your current relationship. I know there are books out there that can also help increase the passion in a long-term relationship. Maybe some other LS'ers have some recommendations?

[Darkangelism]

which one is the X

[canthandleit]

The X is the one that I was with for a short time. We had an incredible connection...(Physically) My boyfriend now is the one I have been with for six years. He is my college sweetheart..He's really a great guy..

[canthandleit]

Thanks for the sound advice!! Sometimes I think that I create this huge drama in my mind that is not even there. I definitely don't put into the relationship as much as I should..and with my X in mind I REALLY haven't lately.. I like your advice about buying him an outfit.. He deserves it.. Once again, thanks for your advice..it made alot of sense..

[DonTomaso]

Hi Can't Handle It.... Sorry about your situation. Why did you go back to your college boyfriend after you broke up with the bad boy? What are your current feelings toward the bad boy? Do you want to get back together with him?

Since you have been in a relationship of some sort for so long and have bounced from guy to guy so quickly, it may be very hard for you to be alone, but that might be an important thing to do since you sound so confused.

[DonTomaso]

To preface my last comment, I would like to add that I had a similar relationship that lasted about 9 months. After I broke up with my "bad girl." I was single for about 1 year. I am now dating someone else who is a wonderful person but the relationship is not as intense. My ex and I do not stay in contact, so I'm sure you are experiencing something different, but I occassionally find myslef thinking about her anyway.

Here's my advice... Do not get back together with the bad boy.... If he brought you to tears before, he will most likely do it again. When you are 50 years old, do you want someone you can count on or trust? Or do you want someone who sleeps with younger women and generally make syou unhappy?

Everything you said is so true. I think that to myself all the time. I ask myself why would I give up someone who truly loves me for me!! and yes, I've already recognized the fact that I can't be alone.

I have been like that since high school...always having long term relationships and finally about three years ago I tried the dating scene and hated it!!

Regardless, I am going to try to put forth an effort in my relationship. I guess I sometimes miss that spark and intenceness.. Once again thanks for your help and support!