[kildon]

I recently proposed to a wonderful woman that I have known for 15 years. We went to highschool & college together. During that time we were always close friends and several times we dated for short times. In college we became very serious for a year, but she eventually chose drugs over me and the relationship was over.

Many years passed and we found eachother again. She is clean and I am very proud of how she has turned her life around. We have been seriously involved in a LDR for several months. We both talked about marriage and that spurred me to propose. She accepted and everything has been going well until recently.

She lives in Kentucky and I in Washinton state. We both have achieved MBA's and we both have very fruitful careers. She is a school teacher and I am a computer network engineer.

The issues started when her family began to interfere with our relationship. Her family have placed a huge load of guilt onto her shoulders that she cannot carry. Since they are her family she places more emphasis on her relationship with them that she does with me. In essence they have more value that I do. They tend to control her life. She does not make any decisions (no matter how insignificant) without their approval.

We had planned for her to move when her teaching contract expired at the end of this school year. In the area where I live it would be nothing for her to get a very good teaching position at one of the many school systems. There is a huge shortage of teachers. In the area where she lives there are no computer related positions available that would allow me to provide for a family.

Her family have place such guilt on her potential move saying things like 'We would die if you move.' that she has changed her mind and is now questioning our relationship (and engagement) based on her family's selfishness.

I know that at this point I should just back off. I've confronted her and spoken my peace about the issue which did not make her happy, but at least my feelings are in the open. I am leaving it up to her to decide. Either way I am going to be ok, but I do love her deeply and would like to do something. I just do not know what.

Any advice.

TIA

Chris

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by kildon
she has changed her mind and is now questioning our relationship (and engagement) based on her family's selfishness.

My impression is that she is not questioning the relationship based on her family's selfishness, but rather based on her own discretion. Three months of serious dating is not a lot of time, it's possible that her family's annoyingness was just a catalyst for her own introspection, and she feels that she isn't sure about changing her life so drastically. I think you ought to give her more credit for her own thoughts, if you have communicated your feelings to her, and she is still sticking it out, and blaming her parents--chances are she's to blame, not her parents. If you can't communicate, your relationship won't last.

[goodwitch]

I happen to know that a girl's parents can just about control everything if one will let them. I don't think it is the same w/ sons, but my parents pout, stop speaking to us, give us the cold shoulder, etc. etc. if they don't get to control what my grown sister and I eat for breakfast. Parents can be very manipulative and girls generally do not want to disappoint their parents. I can absolutely see a girl giving up on a relationship just to please her parents...After all, that is to put her needs secondary...we women are like that. We put other's needs in front of ours. We make sacrifices to make others happy. We are people pleasers...And it could be very easy to just ignore her own wants/needs than to have this struggle w/ the parents.

She's just gonna have to develop a backbone and realize they are NOT going to die if she moves. They WILL get over it. She has got to draw a line in the sand or they will continue to control her the rest of her life.

In an effort to negotiate: Washington is an extremely long way from Kentucky...could you all compromise--say, Cincinnati? Chicago?