My boyfriend never makes me feel attractive or sexy. We have been dating for a year and he makes little to no attempt to compliment me or make me feel beautiful.
It has bothered me for the entire course of our relationship, and has been a repeated topic of confusion and hurt on my part. It really makes me feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of love and relationships, when I see how easy and natural it is for other guys to enjoy making their girlfriends feel attractive.
Talking to him has not helped. When I first brought it up, it seemed like he understood where I was coming from, because he understood that all women seek that to feel special. During the course of a year, it has come up a lot, and he has said that he was willing to try to make me happy. Months go by ( I make an effort to try to be patient and not nag) but nothing changes. When I brought it up most recently, he refused to talk about it.
I don't understand why he is like this. He is very experienced with relationships, so you would think that he understood women better.
Can anyone please recommend books,websites, or articles on "how to make a woman feel attractive" so I camn give them to him. Excerpts from relationship books would be helpful too. I feel like maybe he simply hasn't learned the skill of romancing women. This is one of my last resorts -- trying to collect information that might teach him. Counseling is also an option, but neither of us can afford it now.
Wait, you considered counseling because he doesn't make you feel attractive?
I'm not going to criticize you without understanding the entirety of your situation; however, why are you with someone who doesn't make you happy? Why do you try to change someone?
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Has it always been like this? Or perhaps I should be a bit more specific here and ask: If that's the case, how did he manage to attract you in the first place?
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Originally posted by Dave1234, joy of joys and greatest LoveShack love toy.
I, Dave, hath chosen to also photo with long lense which protrudes from my camera of life force and shows falic symbol erected in direction of assembled love mass. .... but telephoto lense being hard and erect will attract many horny love-sturved babes to my shift before deadline and I will go into press room behind ink barrel to press lense into soft, velvet case and make love froever more. .....
Answers to why are you together, what attracted you in the first place:
Aside from this, he has every quality that I want and could never find in other men. He makes me laugh more than anyone, we can talk about everything, sex is fun and wonderful all of the time (I think because we clicked so well sexually, I assumed that verbal affirmations of attraction would come soon after), he calls me everyday, and wants to see me all of the time. He makes me feel loved and cared for, but not attractive. So, with all of that, he thinks that I should just know thathe is attracted to me.
He has trouble receiving compliments, as well as giving them.
Is everyone just saying that I should just dump him? Is this kind of change just not possible?
Originally posted by lepeep
Is everyone just saying that I should just dump him? Is this kind of change just not possible?
I think some men don't articulate themselves verbally, but are still perfectly capable of love. If you feel that words are a neccessary validation of love, then you should dump him, not try to change him. Because there's many girls out there who wouldn't be selfish enough to dwell on that.
dyermaker -- you don't have to be so judgemental. I'm not being selfish, it's simply a need that I have that is not being met. Making your partner feel attractive is a really normal, healthy part of dating.
Originally posted by lepeep
I'm not being selfish, it's simply a need that I have that is not being met. Making your partner feel attractive is a really normal, healthy part of dating.
I agree with you on that point. I can't understand why you would remain with someone who does't meet your needs.
Surely, some guys are more 'flattering with words' than others.....but staying with someone who makes no effort to make you feel sexy and attractive.....doesn't seem like the kind of long term relationship anyone should be in. Love is about making your partner feel good and even wonderful. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were married to this guy and gained some weight while pregnant? Doesn't sound like he would be very supportive.
Even the most macho guy in the world.....makes some sort of an effort.
Originally posted by lepeep
dyermaker -- you don't have to be so judgemental. I'm not being selfish, it's simply a need that I have that is not being met. Making your partner feel attractive is a really normal, healthy part of dating.
I wasn't judging you at all. If you have the need of verbal reassurance, and this man doesn't give it to you, change your position, not him--leave him.
This kind of thing is very dangerous - if a guy comes along, someone you might work with, for example, and you are flattered and complimented by them, then it's a golden recipe for an emotional and even physical affair. I'm not saying you are a loose woman, but considering that this is something that you really really want, you might just accept it from whereever it will come....
Originally posted by Papillon
This kind of thing is very dangerous - if a guy comes along, someone you might work with, for example, and you are flattered and complimented by them, then it's a golden recipe for an emotional and even physical affair. I'm not saying you are a loose woman, but considering that this is something that you really really want, you might just accept it from whereever it will come....
GREAT POINT Papi...... I think this is the foundational problem of many affairs.
Making your partner feel attractive is a really normal, healthy part of dating.
Not necessarily. Check out the 'love languages' theory. A lot of people think they are not loved or appreciated because they don't understand their partner's 'love language'. The book on 'love languages' is by Gary Chapman. The site below is one site that summarizes his theory. Don't be scared off (if you are the sort) because it's a Christian site; the book is not religion-based, it's just that they decided to include a synopsis on their site.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
He has trouble receiving compliments, as well as giving them. Is everyone just saying that I should just dump him? Is this kind of change just not possible?
I wouldn't "dump" someone over this issue, because the rest of your relationship is excellent. I agree with Dyermaker that attempting to change someone to fit your mold is a bad idea. However, it's perfectly OK in my book to tell your guy (lovingly) what you want and how important it is to you, and ask him if he would be willing to try learning to give and accept compliments. If he's interested, work from there.
Like Papillon says, if you have a deep, unmet yearning to be praised and admired, it will take a lot of willpower to resist someone who come along offering it "freely"...
Take it from me. I'm generally considered quite attractive, brilliant, alluring, witty, a fantastic cook and homemaker, not to mention passionate and sensual and all the rest of it. I get my compliments from friends and from Loveshack, because I don't get it from my husband. He's missing out on a HUGE opportunity to bind me to him more closely. Please don't call me a selfish twit because I like hearing another human being say things that make me feel good about myself.
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Originally posted by moimeme
Check out the 'love languages' theory. A lot of people think they are not loved or appreciated because they don't understand their partner's 'love language'. The book on 'love languages' is by Gary Chapman.
I read this book, too, and it is very insightful. I'd suggest reading it yourself and handing it over to your boyfriend. He needs to understand that "words of affirmation" is the way you feel loved. Even if it's not his primary language or means of expressing himself.
This may not make me popular -- but I'm going to have my say anyway.
You cannot change another person! It is up to the other person if they want to change. It is not your responsibility or your job to change him, or anyone else.
I HATE it when someone tries to change me. If someone is not happy with me the way I am, then leave. If I am not happy with someone the way they are then I leave.
Grrr. Hearing people talk about "how can I change him/her? How can I make him/her say or do blah blah blah?" This is all manipulation and I don't know ANYONE who wants to be manipulated! This is just one of my pet peeves.
It is up to YOU to communicate with him and that means that you have to listen to him also and try to understand his point of view and his feelings. Communication does not mean that you talk and set rules and he listens and obeys!
Ok. I'll step down off my soap box now.
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Originally posted by Errol
You cannot change another person! It is up to the other person if they want to change. It is not your responsibility or your job to change him, or anyone else.
I HATE it when someone tries to change me. If someone is not happy with me the way I am, then leave. If I am not happy with someone the way they are then I leave.
Whoa! There is a difference between changing someone's character, and changing the actions that stem from this! In this case, although her partner loves her, he is not expressing that love in a manner that is meaningful to her. If someone you love says to you, "I feel most loved when you compliment me or tell me about your feelings for me," it is a request for you to do these things. You are not changing that person. You are not changing how they feel about you. People make sacrifices and compromises in relationships. They change their actions (picking up laundry off the floor) as an offering of love. If they truly are unwilling make these sacrifices, then you are right, it is unwise to keep asking. It is best to move on.
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