[jenny]

so, we are taking these marriage classes and i think they are terrific. before it is asked, they are denominational, which is ok with me. the knowledge itself, i think, is useful to many creeds. i am slightly irked by the perkiness of the catholic one, but my bf happily agreed to also seek classes from a jewish couple. he is irked by their constant irony. we both find the process amusing, and time-consuming, but hopefully worth it.

it strikes me that there are no secular classes offered. it's annoying to pretend we have not had sex, and are against, alternately, birth control then christmas, but whatever. i want to be respectful if i am going to get anything out of this.

here is a list of what i have found very helpful so far, and i would love, love, love, if any one who has any further tips would post. i know we need a 'tips for husbands' as well, but for right now i'm just going to be gendered.

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1. give him some easy time right after work, about 15-30 minutes. know when you need cave time yourself.


2. fight fair. follow the classic debate rules even while engaged in personal conflict. if you don't know the proper rules, learn them and use them.


3. accept that your role will change. i'm having a hard time with this one. i love being a girlfriend. i'm good at it, too. i'm not sure how to be a wife yet.


4. accept that there will be bad times. accept that you might be poor or unfulfilled at times. i can do this. i'm good at being poor, too. unfulfilled is more worrisome.

5. have projects and a fantasy of your future together. don't be too neurotic about it, though.

6. follow socrates: a good marriage should confound enemies and delight friends.

7. understand and accept your class role as well. i am now giving monthly dinner parties for people i am fairly sure i would have referred to as corporate whores/murderers of the environment in my feistier teen years.

it takes all my will power now to wear my 'anarchy rules, ironically' baby tee in front of them. but for this boy, i will.


8. remain your own person. have your own interests, conversation, friends, job, and inner life. look at porn if necessary.


9. read up on ancient and historical wives. there are so many cool books on rules for lovers; i'm ordering a number of them. so far my favourite is the classic "ring of the dove," from the 10th century, which i would recommend to all lovers. castiliogne is pretty great, too. i'll supply links when i'm less lazy.


10. don't be afraid not to have perfect top ten lists. really. you may sleep even if everything in the house is not perfect. lol - really, don't be afraid to have problems, make mistakes, and admit your weaknesses.

love is knowing when to say you are sorry.
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that's all i've digested and translated for myself thus far.

i really want to hear from you all, married, single, divorced, happy, unhappy, polygamous, aliens, whatever. i love reading about this stuff.

[jenny]

it takes all my will power now to wear my 'anarchy rules, ironically' baby tee in front of them. but for this boy, i will.

sigh. read:

it takes all my will power now NOT to wear my 'anarchy rules, ironically' baby tee in front of them. but for this boy, i will.

[Thinkalot]

Jenny I love this list and think I will print it out and put it on our fridge!

I can relate to a lot of the points...they are things we are working on too.

As I fix my personal issues, the dynamic of our relationship is changing, and it is wonderful, but also a bit confrontational at times, accepting changing roles, and a changing balance of space/togetherness etc.

I'm actually about to post on the subject, so please do offer your very wise insights!

And I think it's great you are doing the classes. We also hope to marry one day, and have been through ups and downs and counselling and working on "us" and also the "I" in the relationship. I think couples who are willing to put in the effort, or already on a good loving path.

[jenny]

i feel like such an a$$ for assuming abuse in your situation; your implicit forgiveness means a lot to me. thank you - i think you have more to teach me; i can't get over your kindness to *all* posters. i'll look for your new post.

the classes are really helping me. i'm very freedom-loving and dropkick-ready to dismiss those who hurt me; i'm glad we have such a long engagement because i have a lot of work to do.

[Thinkalot]

I guess we will always have more things about ourselves we can improve...life is one constant learning curve!

I was not offended by your assumptions...only glad you were trying to help. You are not in our home and could not be expected to know all the ins and outs of the situation!

[meanon]

The biggest failing I have seen that almost every woman I know has done at some point (especially when feeling insecure) is the false test. You are wondering if he still loves you as much/finds you as hot/insert whatever your insecurity of the moment is. To try and get rid of the worry, rather than come right out and ask (well he would say he loved me wouldn't he?) you set a false test. If he loved me he'd ........................ (kiss me when he comes in/want to marry me/cook my dinner/insert own false test here). Of course the poor guy doesn't know he's being tested and and so fails miserably - case proved, send that man down!! Cue hurt feelings, confusion, more insecurity etc. False tests are even more difficult to spot when they are done subconsciously - believe me they are lurking. LOL Jenny I can't believe you would ever feel insecure so this one is probably not for you, but for us lesser mortals rule no. 11: Avoid False Tests!!!!

[Thinkalot]

LOL meanon!
NO 11. sounds like a very good rule to me! I've done that too.

[meanon]

ROFL Thinkalot - me too!!