In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
Hi there. I have kind of a general question. I am a 27 year old male who has graduated college and has gotten a good job and a house. I have had girlsfriends in the past, but ever since I left college, I've had a hard time meeting people. I don't really have many friends that I hang with on an everyday basis, so I'm kinda a loner. I started going to a night club this summer, but cant seem to get anywhere there. I've been trying the online thing, which isnt to productive. I just cant seem to actually meet anyone. I am also very shy, which doesnt help much. I see people I'm attracted to in places like Walmart, but can't seem to go up to them. It just seems so out of place to do it. I kinda live in the boonies, so it's not like there is potential walking around everywhere. Does anyone have any advise on how to meet people when ur a loner and don't really get out too much? Girls: Would it be wierd if a guy just came up to u out of the blue and started talking to you?
Glad to hear there's some considerate people out there
Hey everyone,
Thanks for the replies. I have actually tried talking to girls out in public, but havent got lucky enough to find one thats single or not stuck up. I live in New Jersey and alot of girls here seem to think there too good for others. For instance, I was at the night club a couple weeks back and decided to try my luck. Started talking to two different girls and got blown off by both of them. One claimed she didnt have a name. That's a first.Another time at the same club, I was on a roll and talked to 4-6 girls. Apparently, I must have good taste because they all claim to be taken. Here's a question: Why do girls never try making a move on a guy? I cant remeber once in my life when i girl came up to me. Oh well, maybe the next time I'm out, Ill try introducing myself to someone and see where it goes.
I've always though of NJ as a relatively populated state, boardered on the North by NYC and the South by Philly. Both about a 40 minute drive from the middle of the state, yet you claim you
Quote:
kinda live in the boonies
Bud, you don't know what a "boonie" is.
In addition, even if 50% of NJ is female, (OK, and 40% heterosexual) you don't need to drive into NYC or Philly for action. The way I read it, you got shot down 8 for 8 times, max: You haven't even scratched the surface of the potential.
Now, get your ass up from the keyboard and advertise.
You need to get involved in circles that are more socially active. Consider joining some sort of organization/group that likes to go out after work for drinks(possibly some comrades you work with?). This way it will be easier to network and you wont have to be quite so aggressive to get the opportunity to interact with girls you don't know.
If you want to approach girls pick some places like cafes, or bookstores, walmart is a little weird. If you're set on meeting someone at walmart, get a part-time job there, you'll end up meeting lots of people that way.
What are your interests and hobbies? Maybe you can meet girls who also have the same interests, that will
give you something to chat about right off the bat. (ie if you like to read-take a lit class, or writing class, go to your library or a college library, join a book-club, hang
out at bookstores). Use your creativity!
Also, examine your own motives to find a girlfriend, because you're lonely isn't good enough IMHO. You say you don't have many friends, go out there, participate in sports, join clubs, volunteer etc. Personally I also find it a bit creepy that you say you have a house etc. yet you're looking for a girl in Walmart (most shoppers are low-income there-no offense to the gals on this board). Don't make the mistake of advertising your possessions in order to attract a girlfriend.
My new year resolution for 2004 was to overcome my extreme shyness. So far I have approached about 12 girls in random places (street, food court, train etc.). I think that I am gradually getting less nervous and that's the main thing because when I'm nervous I speak really quickly and probably sound like Woody Allen.
My goal for February is to approach at least 30 girls, and there are thousands of girls here in Sydney so I don't have any excuse for being a slacker.
It's good to read that you are approaching girls, that's something you can be gain pride from because you are doing something that the majority of men wouldn't do.
I think shyness in approaching women is something you have to conquer. I know what it's like to be a working businessman and to have little or no time to meet women. Before I met my ex, I was wondering what to do myself. I wasn't really into the social circles in my town, and I wasn't a big fan of bars. I honestly spent many weekends hanging out in my apartment. I was so busy during the week, I needed at least one day to recover...and Sunday to watch football.
Looking back on it now, I wish I had been more active in the social circles. Problem is, I came from one of those mid-sized cities in the south where it seemed like everyone was married, engaged or in a serious relationship by the age of 24, which sucked for me. Now, I live in a frickin meat market.
The only way you do overcome the fear is by forcing yourself to try, and to accept whatever may happen. One thing to think about before you start asking women out is that you should never take rejection personally. They don't really know you, so you can't take it personally. They're just not attracted enough to go out with you, that's all. Once you see it that way, it gets a little easier.
Once you prepare yourself mentally, you just have to ask as many women as you can. Make it short and sweet. Some of the best romances began in a Wal-Mart - I used to know a girl who married a guy she met there, and I've heard of it happening to others too. Love starts in the strangest of places. You just have to be an opportunist.
>>>I live in New Jersey and alot of girls here seem to think there too good for others.<<<
That's everywhere, dude. Bars are particularly bad for that kind of spirit as well, simply because girls know that they're going to get hit on by at least a half dozen guys - most of them coming on strong but without any technique. They've seen and heard it all before. Another thing about bars, too, is that unless the girl has some sort of weird thing for mystery men, you're probably not going to do well if you're alone. You gotta have a crew to roll with. Some guys are good in bars, but it was never my home field advantage. I like private parties, where there are enough people to give a good vibe but it's not so loud that you can't hear yourself (or more importantly the other person) talk. A few drinks and some conversation...and you're on your way. A recommendation...if you don't know of many friends who can throw a private party once in a while, why not try a wine tasting club? It's basically the same thing.
>>> For instance, I was at the night club a couple weeks back and decided to try my luck. Started talking to two different girls and got blown off by both of them. One claimed she didnt have a name.<<<
I don't mean to break your bubble, but it just sounds like you're out of your element in bars. Maybe it's just not your environment.
>>>That's a first.Another time at the same club, I was on a roll and talked to 4-6 girls. Apparently, I must have good taste because they all claim to be taken.<<<
Here's something you should remember: rare is it that a woman will actually tell you one way or another whether or not she's really into you. It's up to you to figure out the signs.
>>>Here's a question: Why do girls never try making a move on a guy? I cant remeber once in my life when i girl came up to me.<<<
Because they're girls. Guys do the moving.
>>Oh well, maybe the next time I'm out, Ill try introducing myself to someone and see where it goes.<<<
Pick up the local paper or yellow pages and see if you can't find any wine tasting clubs.
Meeting total strangers in public places...has got problems. It's a challenging assignment, as amerikajin notes, and in frankness, only a certain type of girl would let an obviously trolling stranger pick her up. Open as I am, I would never give a total stranger I met in a bar my name, number, or any facts about my life. I might chat with them, but no farther, because hey, this is the big city.
You're much better off in a friend's home or some other group that establishes you in a bit more of a context, so a girl can feel a bit safer. Someone mentioned "mystery men". Girls and women concerned about their safety won't open doors to them. It's a question of judgment and personal security. Whereas a friend of a friend has got an automatic entree.
You could even throw your own simple get-togethers - wine and cheese, hot dogs and beer, whatever...and make them woman-friendly. No puking in the living room, etc. Get your buddies to bring their sisters, girlfriends, work colleagues, etc. and even a slight mix of ages. Talk. Get to know people. It may be slower but at least it does work eventually.
I've always considered meeting girls somewhat of a "team" sport. Like the others have said, meeting a girl in a place by yourself is extremely difficult. There are a few smooth guys, who look like they just got out of an underwear photo shoot, out there who can pull it off. However, 99% of us will never have success that way.
I think you need to first focus on making some friends, both guys and girls. Then, those people will usually have other friends that you will eventually meet when you're out together, and as you gradually build up a network you will have more success. Even when going out, if you are with a group of guys, it lessens the chance in the girls' minds that you could be some lunatic. Having at least a few girls out with your group helps even more.
Making new friends is also really tough though, too. Is there anyone at your job that you can make friends with? Even if there's just one or two, if you strike up conversation with them about work or whatever, and then maybe talk about what they do on the weekends, the conversation can lead to them saying "hey, why don't you come out with me and my buddies on Saturday" or something like that. I had a friend from college move to my city a few years ago. He knew absolutely no one here, and everyone he works with is much older. I invited him out with my friends, and now he's better friends with many of them than I am. It really just takes one or two people for you to get to know many more.
Once you're going out with friends, then if you're too shy to talk to girls individually, you can join in group conversations with them and other people. If one of your friends knows a girl you're interested in, maybe you even ask him to come with you talk to her and maybe a few of her other friends if she's in a conversation already. After a little while, something probably will come up that will prompt you to ask a question directly to the one you're interested in, and the two of you slowly break off into your own conversation. Meeting a quality girl is very rarely a quick process, and from where you're starting from, it's probably going to take quite a while before you've been able to take all these preliminary steps to get to that point. But it's very possible.
One thing to remember here: with the exception of the really smooth, manipulative operators, women have the advantage in the dating game. A woman likes sex as much as a guy, but a woman who's higher than a 5 or 6 on the sexy scale has decent odds of getting more than one guy interested in her at a time. Men are driven by visual stimuli and they're attracted to the sex first; women are just as interested in sex, but it's usually on a long, winding trail through the forest before they finally lead us to the treasure trunk.
I think when it comes to dating, women are like good chess players, always a good two or three moves ahead of any man who's interested in him. At every stage, from the pick-up to the first date, through the first three months and even in its most serious stages of intimacy, women seem to be a step ahead of us. They tend to be more cerebral and think more with their heads when they're dating...well, we think with our heads, too, but the wrong one of course. It's when a woman realizes that the man has a few moves of his own that she really becomes interested. It's when she realizes after running into 12 consecutive guys who call her begging for a kiss at the end of a bad date or to be taken in again after the third one that she's finally met someone who doesn't seem so hot and bothered...that's when the action heats up. In short, women like a good challenge. Not to say that challenge itself can turn a woman on, but it can certainly make what you do have stronger.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Loner needs some advice on meeting girls.
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