[AprilFool]

I understand why he won't go to the wake; he has to work. The funeral is at two, and he usually gets off work by noon on Saturdays. I'm going down to my parents house for the wake, and spending the night until tomorrow. Then, I'm going to go to the funeral. I want my husband to be there. I need him to be there. He insists he won't get off work in time to go. I know that's bull. He could be home by noon, and at my parent's house by 1:30.

I get angry at stuff like this; I feel like he's going to have a great time staying home looking at porn while his wife's away. I need him. He's so selfish.

Unfortunately, this behavior is consistent with his other selfish behavior that you have ably described. I continue to believe that porn is the least of your marital concerns. At most, porn is a symptom of some very, very strong character and relationship disorders.

His message to you has consistently been: My wants first; your wants never-- I'll do what I want to do and throw it in your face. Passive aggressive hostility even in your grief.

How motivated do you believe your husband is to remain married to you in any meaningful sense? Does he care?

I wonder...

I offer my condolences for your grandmother's passing.

[tphillip]

Originally posted by jester
Unfortunately, this behavior is consistent with his other selfish behavior that you have ably described.

That may be the case with AprilFool's husband, but I also want to put my 2 cents in on a different perspective: mine.

For me, funerals and wakes creep me out to the point of paralyzation. I've been to one wake and funeral: my grandfathers. Ever since I have been unable to go to another, including my mother's when she died. The whole experience freaked me out so badly that there is nothing that anyone could say or do to get me to go to one. I would terminate relationships over the issue if it came to that; I feel that strongly about the whole issue.

I have the feeling that this is not the reason why your husband doesn't want to go, but I did want to say that there are people out there who will not go to such functions, and will come up with any dignified plausable excuse to avoid it. Why he won't go and tell you why, I don't understand.

[moimeme]

Well, you could continue jumping to the conclusion that everything he does in life is motivated by access to porn. Or maybe you could ask him why he won't go and find out from him. He could actually hate funerals. I do. Did he know your grandmother? Did they like each other? Does your family like him?

Try asking him why he seems to not want to go when he usually gets off early on Saturdays. It may even be that he has to stay extra time tomorrow.

COMMUNICATE.

[Errol]

I'm sorry for your loss -- I know that sounds weak, but I know how hard it is and how sad to lose someone.

I know one person who will not attend a funeral. Period. Death freaks him out. He will attend a wake or service where the body is not present -- but he will go nowhere near a body.

If this is not the case with your husband then it's damn selfish of him not to be there for you. It doesn't matter if he knows your family or not -- he is your husband and he should be there. Even if he sits in a corner all the time the point is that you will know he is there and that is sometimes all the comfort that a person needs--just knowing that he is present. If you need a comforting hug you should be able to find him quickly and he should fold his arms around you. Just as you should be there for him if the roles were reversed.

That is just my opinion on how a marriage works in this situation. That is how it is in my family - immediate and extended.

I'm so sorry that he is being this way. The problems you have in your relationship are far deeper than porn issues and I hope that you can find some answers in counseling.

[moimeme]

The problems you have in your relationship are far deeper than porn issues and I hope that you can find some answers in counseling

I couldn't agree more.

[SoleMate]

Have you told him that you really want him to go, and why? BTW, your post talks all about YOUR ANGER, and not about your needs. How about this:

"Honey, I really feel so sad over Grandma, I'm going to be crying my eyes out, I'd love to have you there just to put your arm around me. You don't have to talk to Uncle Bill if you don't want to, and we can stop on the way home and have a relaxing drink together. How about it, will you come?"

[BabyGirl]

Sorry for your loss.
But I don't think him looking at porn is your problem...your obsession is the problem.
And most companies give time off for deaths in the family. I can't understand why he will be working that day anyway...he should be there to support you. Maybe you haven't convinced him how important his being there is.

[jenny]

the list you describe for him and for your relationship is starting to sound more negative than positive; that must suck. most people see a counselor when it is too late for their marriage; i hope that is not the case here.

all that said, i won't go to funerals either. i find them creepy and forced to the point of phobia as well - my dad made me promise i would hold a good old fashioned wake when he dies; if i allow one iota of false sentiment or any attention starved weepy fan to create drama, he's going to haunt me.

[AprilFool]

I blame that my husband is the most selfish human being on the planet!!!!

I don't think I love him right now. While at the funeral, all of my cousins and aunts had there husbands there for them. Even the women who just came to offer condolances had their husbands! They all had someone to comfort them, while I was left explaining that my husband "had to work" and "I don't know why he couldn't get the day off".

He is NEVER there for me. I ended up staying with my parents and extra day because I couldn't stand the thought of being anywhere near him.

And oh guess what....when I got home, there was laundry all over the bead for me to put away. When I seemed aggrivated, instead of asking me what's wrong, he said, "You should've stayed at your parents'."

I specifically asked him not to look at porn while I was gone, because I didn't need one more thing to weigh on my mind, but did he even do THAT!?!?! NO! He looked at it 20 minutes after I left on Friday, and for an hour this morning while I was on my way home.

You all say "communicate?" if I try to tell him how he's hurting me, or why I'm agrivated, he progresses to stomp out, or yell "SHUT UP!" or "Quit being such a cry baby," or he throws something of mine at me or at the wall and breaks it. I used to be the most communicative person on the planet, but he's figured out how to shut me up.

I try to accept him, I reflect that in my posts, but he just keeps coming up with new ways to break my heart.

I hated him this weekend, and I thought that once I got home to him I'd feel better, but I don't. I still despise the idea of him touching me. I don't know if this feeling will pass, but I hope it does, because I hate it.

On top of grieving for my grandmother, and not having ANYONE there just for me, I had to deal with the embarassment that my brand-new husband didn't care enough about me to drive two hours to be with me.

I would be heading for divorce court right now, except for one thing, and that's that I am trying to be a christian, and in the church, you only get one husband, and you have to live with it.'

If I leave him, I never get another husband, so I'm going to tryyyyy to just accept him, but this resentment is really building up! He won't let me talk to him. He want's to pretend everything is wonderful, and his wife will come home from a horrible weekend of losing someone close to her, and FOLD CLOTHES!!!

[AprilFool]

I came to him and told him I love him, and he responded by saying, "Whatever." I sat down to try and get out of him why he was mad at me, but he wouldn't talk to me. I told him I had a hard weekend, and asked him to give me a break, and he responded by telling me that I came home mad at him. I told him that I was on my period, and had a hard weekend.

I asked him if he wanted me to start telling him why I was upset with him, or if he wanted me to just get over it in my own way. He said he didn't care. I said it was important, and he said it wasn't.

I started to tell him how I felt being at the funeral alone, and I told him that I needed him, and that it hurt to not have him there to comfort me, or to cry on his shoulder. I started crying, and he yelled, 'I had to work!" I said, "You could've asked for the day off." and he said, "Asked who!?!" I said, "Your boss!" He gritted his teath, and started to throw the remote control at me, then said through gritted teeth, "You'd better go to the other room." I started to bawl and left the room.

Now, people, tell me how mean and selfish I am. Tell me that I need to comunicate. Tell me how stupid I am for even asking a man to go to a funeral with me. Tell me how wonderful he is because he looks at porn.

TELL ME!!!!

[Kriz]

How's his situation at work? Sorry, I know this is not what you need but I feel that responding to your griefs (that's wrong! he's terrible...) would only fuel your anger here.

Has he ever given you a hint as to why he acts like this?

[moimeme]

If you don't go to a counsellor, your marriage will end. Soon.

[Thinkalot]

Please April, go to counselling. Will he go with you? You need a third person to help you air your feelings together.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by AprilFool
Now, people, tell me how mean and selfish I am. Tell me that I need to comunicate. Tell me how stupid I am for even asking a man to go to a funeral with me. Tell me how wonderful he is because he looks at porn.

*Frowns*

No one said you were mean, selfish, or. stupid. No one said your husband was wonderful. Do you think the reason he won't go to the funeral is because of porn? Do you think the reason he almost threw a remote control at you is because of porn? Do you think the reason you have trouble communicating is because of porn? Do you think the reason that you cry is because he looks at porn, like he was such a great husband, until one day he found porn on the computer?

The fact that you two don't function as a healthy couple is a difficult problem. But you see porn and pounce on it, as if stopping that would stabilize your relationship. If it wasn't porn, it would be something else.

Are there any good things about your marriage? Does your husband have any good qualities at all?

Stop masquerading bigger issues with small stuff. Some couples benefit from counselling; however, you two need it