What is it with the whole "I Need Space" thing?


It sucks, why don't they just break up with us and call it a day? Instead they say
they need time to figure stuff out and not see us for a while? People are so
focused on Greener Pastures and what's on the other side of the fence as far as relationships go.
As far as goals and achievments go, It should be all about pushing the envelope, Not settling,
Experiences, Seeing what you can do, trying different things......But that shouldn't pertain to
Love and Relationships. It's sad, so many good relationships are lost to people second guessing and
wondering what it would be like to try other lovers.

Sucks.

The other side of the fence must appear to be that much greener in some instances. I do believe there are times in which one must, out of necessity, get out of an unproductive/unhealthy relationship. However, one's definition of that is subject to individual interpretation.

It appears I recieved the same speech you recieved, I was just 6 months into my marriage. I think my ex believes the other side of the fence has more to offer and she has chosen to take that route. Whether she suceeds of fails in this journey will ultimatley depend on the choices she makes. But in all reality, the grass is often not as green as anticipated. It may be green for a season or two but then the true landscape comes to surface. I know what you're saying. Try to take the positives and look to them instead of focusing on all the negatives. In any case, its not easy.

[tattoomytoe]

also people learn that having at least one option is better than none. kinda selfish.

but on the other hand, i really hate snubbing someone just because we are not romantically compatible, so it is just more tactful to say "you are a really great person....let's stay friends"

It's sad, so many good relationships are lost to people second guessing and
wondering what it would be like to try other lovers.

not really though, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't think you are the best thing out there? additionally i wouldn't take some one back that thought it, and discovered-mmmm maybe she was...Oh well sorry buddy!

SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT, iF SOMEONE SECOND GUESSED THEIR LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU,
TOLD YOU THEY LOVED YOU, BUT NEEDED TO GO OUT ON THEIR OWN, REALIZED IT SUCKED AND THEY MADE
A HUGE MISTAKE AND TRIED TO GET YOU BACK,

YOU WOULDN'T TAKE HIM BACK???

[Errol]

Being sure about a relationship means thinking about, and sometimes experiencing, life without that person - so that we can be sure we are right.

it reminds me of a joke I heard. Now--I heard this with women as the central figures - but the same "logic" can certainly apply to men. This is just how I heard the joke so if you get your panties in a bunch over this -- well, that is YOUR problem!


A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read, "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends, they decided to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and, without hesitation, move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good, but there were still two more floors.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women seemed pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

[tattoomytoe]

well... i may, but it would always be in the back of my mind that i wasn't enough the first time.... so i would probably just say, well, we can still be friends......

unless they had totally proven to me that i was it.

but i have never had anyone love me, but look at other options.

but a lot of times that is why people break up, b/c one is looking for something that they are not getting, so wasn't it a mismatch to begin with?

[moimeme]

No. Sometimes people have impossibly high expectations and they start looking at the flaws (however minimal) instead of the good stuff. Sometimes time apart is exactly what's needed to smarten them up to all the good stuff they'd lose if they ditched the relationship. Not for nothing there's a saying "Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone". People who take 'time out' do the going and often figure out exactly what they would lose - and then go back.

I understand the logic here, but just because someone looks elsewhere for something they are not getting in the relationship they are in does not necessarily mean they were a mismatch to begin with. I respectfully dissent to that "logic." Many factors contribute to the looking elsewhere. Be it immaturity, selfishness, or irrationality of the looker. Blame cannot be passed every time to the one who is rejected. In other cases it can.

Case in point --> I was married in May 03, been in grad school since I met my wife, very demanding. We both knew that our studies would consume some of our "us" time for a temporary period of time. Over the summer, school consumed a large proportion of my time. Come Oct, the wife began her search elsewhere to have her needs fulfilled or satisfied. Catch her at another man's house twice. SHe moves out and files for divorce in early December. Now I am not perfect and have faults like anyone, but never did I do anything to compromise my marriage or to push the envelope. Attention and time together were not what they should have been, but we BOTH knew this going into the marriage and that it was only temporary.

So to use the mismatch arguement would make my situation a mismatch from the beggining? Maybe it was and I just don't know it.

[tattoomytoe]

well my train of thought is..... if she is like oh i need space, but then goes out and dates all these guy, sleeps around then is like.. um no i like you better ...that is where i am coming from

[tattoomytoe]

and i am also from the school of thought that there is someone out there for everyone

[moimeme]

So to use the mismatch arguement would make my situation a mismatch from the beggining? Maybe it was and I just don't know it.

It may have been. It may have been that she needed much more companionship than you did and simply could not manage without, despite her promise. Perhaps if you'd been able to do some questionnaires or tests you might have known that. I got ditched by a bf because I was doing my honours paper - same reason; he could just not wait.

I guess my feeling on this would be that if a person's desire to be with you can't outweigh a necessary separation, then maybe you didn't belong together in the first place. Some people just have to have somebody and maybe your ex is one of those types. Of course, knowing that doesn't make it hurt less.

[dario]

Sometimes people have impossibly high expectations and they start looking at the flaws (however minimal)


This is so true.

[julieg]

i was incredibly influenced by my family, as was my ex. my parents told me don't get married young, get your education before anything else and it is just as easy to love a wealthy guy as it is a poor one. my ex on the other hand was told to go for love purely and simply and marry young and grow with your children. success will come careerwise with the years. this can be a bad combo.
i think if the person asking for space was like me she may be trying to satisfy her parents and hoping that they are not making a "mistake" by settling for the wrong person. now in retrospect it is really negative thinking and not the way i would raise my children. somewhere in between would be better.

Tatoomytoe,
I see what your saying. Hopefully you did not think I was attacking your response. I reread what I said and it could be misinterpreted as such.

moimeme,

First, thank your for the reply to the question. I have noticed your replies over the course of my venturing through the site. You seem to have well thought out and educated advice/opinions. Thank you for taking the time to answer mine. I appreciate it.

Second, it is a possibility she needed more companionship than I was able to give at the time, but at the same time it was only temporary, and she knew this prior to marriage. What type of questionnaires are you speaking of? Compaitibility? Personality? I'm not sure without a little more clarification. I am never opposed to such a thing.

Third, why would my ex call me and want to see how I am doing and eat with me if life is so great on the green pasture? More on this is in my post in the coping section if interested. Can't figure any of this mess out.

Fourth, how does a test determine whether or not someone is about instant gratification or delayed gratification? I mean, I would have liked to know early on. I had to hang on for dear life to survive last semester - don't even remember the last two months, but still made out fairly well considering the circumstances.

"I guess my feeling on this would be that if a person's desire to be with you can't outweigh a necessary separation, then maybe you didn't belong together in the first place."
For future reference, at what point can you tell if such a person cannot handle the necessary separation. It was not a situation in which I was only going through the gautlet educationally for myself, but also for our future. I would have liked to know before hand that this necessary separation was such a problem. We were together the whole time I was in grad school and the demands were known.


Dario,

That is also another school of thought that I have had. High expectations about the relationship from the point of marriage on were most likely way too high. I mean, I could have dropped out of school and found some lackluster job, spent all the time in the world with her, and have been dissatisfied with life OR I could have done what I have done, busted my tail to get through school, and plan for the future with her as my co-pilot. I guess in my case, it is a catch 22 because either option leads to a negative consequence either way. Anyways, back to reality.

Well I once have good friend and his girlfriend left him after 5 years because she felt she needed
space. She told him she loved him, knew he was "The One" and that it was just that they has been together so long that
she needed time to herself to figure out her life and figure out her career and feel independent.
She also stressed that there wasn't anyone else and that the break wasn't because she wanted
to date other guys. So he stood by her and let her go.

But that same week she slept with another guy, Got pregnant and had an abortion because she never wants
to have kids. She never told her ex and never told the new guy...well my buddy found out and vowed never to speak to her again and moved far away and she and He were crushed and ruined, He wont talk to her.

I'm a guy, when I hear that a girl needs space, I think there HAS To BE thoughts of trying other guys...Because
if they loved us, why would they have to break up with us?

I don't get the whole: "I had to experience other guys to see if I love you or not".

ERROL'S Joke hit it right on the mark. It goes for men too. But I think women fall more easily into that
method.