To read almost two dozen pages of marriage despite having had our last child 16 months ago. Since I had heard these many grievances before (usually after she'd discussed with close family or friends) I wasn't shocked to hear them again, yet another time, and most for the third or fourth time.
For some reason, I'd imagined we had put them behind us after discussing them twice, or perhaps three, or even four times: but NO, it seems forgiveness is not only relative, it is more conveniently sought again and again, almost all after YEARS of time has passed.
My philosophy has been that if you have an issue with someone, then resolve it and move on. Do not pretend to have resolved it, become more and more bitter and resentful, and begin scrutinizing every movement, every deed, every action, and every word for the opportunity to add to the growing list of indiscretions.
Wonder why I have become withdrawn and uncommunicative????
I've been told we can look forward to SIX MONTHS of weekly, joyous communing. I'm not sure I even want to go to bed tonight. What if I snore?
I remember going through this hell as well. I hope you have better luck than I did. I feel for you and I hope things improve. Maybe once she gets past the anger she can work on the marriage with you.
Sorry to hear it was hell Samson. Good on you for attempting to resolve the problems through counselling, that takes courage that many lack. Look at it this way if it's hell now then it has to get better!
Jenny, I haven't said a whole lot, and this plus the fact that I've developed a certain emotional numbness over the years of listening to my indescretions being repeated, analyzed, and their root causes being traced to my parents, etc., etc... contribute to the near silence. I'm guilty of nearly everything I've been accused of (This doesn't include: Porn, Physical Abuse, or Adultery.....apologies to the "Moral Taliban" that have gathered for a stoning ) Had to add this in, Bark!
But, hey, the next day I read a really funny article on pD1 of 010804 WSJ; "Can This Marriage Be Saved? Therapy Doesn't Always Provide the Answers. " ha ha.
The writer, divorced, claimed "only a minority of marriages are saved by entering therapy because couples let problems fester too long." Most of the problem seems to be that by the time couples enter therapy, one or the other has mentally divorced themselves from the marriage ans is only placating their spouce.
Well this isn't my case, I suppose. I really don't want to become divorced about half the time. The main reason I feel this way is that divorce would not only separate me from my wife, but also my children
I do think sometimes couples do mentally divorce themselves and decide in their own minds they simple arent going to work on the problems because its not going to solve anything.
It is good to know you are seeking couseling and trying to mend your marriage. I know sometimes we talk about things that have been bothering us only to think its not bothering us, when really it still is!
My parents always told me that communication is a must. Unfortunately I havent been able to use their advice because I have yet to marry! lol
I urge you to try to listen as well as you can and give it your all...so you can always say regardless of the outcome that you tried and did your best!
Location: the easter bunny has eggs! breathe in; breathe out. there is still wonder in the world :)
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i suppose i'm responding personally, because counselling almost broke my parents up. therapists require different qualifications than actual professionals, and the one my parents saw basically let my mom go on ad nauseum. she had valid complaints, as did he, but this was absurdly one-sided and very poorly sourced.
i've maintained a deep resentment for the 'profoundly unqualified but shingle-hanging' ever since. they couldn't afford someone more qualified at the time; and it's the only time in my parents' marriage that i remember that much hostility - thick enough to feel in the house, if you know what i mean. pleasingly, they rebanded together against the quack, and all was well again.
anyway, this cheese stands alone in being skeptical about counselling unless it is from a peer-reviewed, accredited, published, degreed, and known professional. look it up - it's ridiculously easy to get the 'diploma' needed to provide therapy. you can even do it over the internet.
Some people like to hold grudges.
I can’t help thinking that women do it more often than men
Maybe you should treat it as all other bad habits which one can't help (e.g. smoking) and try to abstain for the good of your health? Maybe bitterness patches? No? Ok just an idea.
i believe seeking help shows that you want to make this work. however, it won't be the person you see who determines whether or not you and your wife stay with one another. in truth, that decision is solely between you and your wife. also, sometimes things from the past don't fade. sometimes time doesn't heal all things. some wounds leave scars and for no reason one day the scar reopens. although you don't wish for it to open (in this case interfere with onward and upward progression in your marriage), it happens. i know you are probably really fed up, but since you love her you need to be patient and supportive. but, she also needs to learn to be this way for you. you both probably have a lot to work on, but i think the first step is that you both sit down together (only yourselves) and determine if you want to make it work and why you do. i wish you all the luck in the world. be strong. everything will fall into place.
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"too early seen unknown and known too late... "
~ Shakespeare
"... what purpose upon the general nature have they, Unknown!"
Are the past events she's drudging up in any way related to more recent events? I know that sometimes in arguments with my husband I bring up old things but it's because I'm showing him he's got a pattern going that he needs to break if he doesn't want the argument to just come up again later.
If the things are completely unrelated then she just has a problem letting go and only she can make herself forgive and forget. There's little to nothing you can do.
And on a sidenote: jenny you're not the only one that feels that way. I went through counceling with my mother and it only caused more harm than good. Mainly because she was only looking for someone to say I was a hellspawn and she was a saint and found they were saying somewhat the opposite.
But being willing to go at all shows you're open to change (usually ) so good on you. I hope things get resolved quickly.
The inspiration to return to conselling was my first LS post my wife read after I left the link in the "Favorites" file. This is completely unrelated to previous indescretions; i.e., lying about drinking and smoking tobacco at undisclosed locations at unplanned times, and becoming loudly upset and belligerant when "interrogated" about my whereabouts and activities.
I'm not a big believer in the subconscious, but I'm inclined to believe that i wanted her to find it. Things seem to be going well, for some reason she's approached me for lovemaking twice since our saturday session.
Samson, you have cojones. Keep us apprised of how the therapist and therapy goes. I believe the mere fact that both you and your wife are doing this speaks volumes.
In my more cynical moments, I suspect those couples who go willingly to marriage counseling don't need it, and those couples where one spouse won't go, won't benefit from it.
Originally posted by Samson
Things seem to be going well, for some reason she's approached me for lovemaking twice since our saturday session.
..Well that's gotta be a good thing Let us know how things progress for you. It may be a case of two steps forward, one step back for a while. My partner and I went to counselling a while back and it helped us iron out a few issues, so I'm probably not as cynical as others.
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Sorry to hear it was hell Samson. Good on you for attempting to resolve the problems through counselling, that takes courage that many lack. Look at it this way if it's hell now then it has to get better!
) Had to add this in, Bark!
Maybe bitterness patches? 
No? Ok just an idea.
) so good on you. I hope things get resolved quickly.
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