[The Burning Man]

I am coming out of a dream relationship - a relationship of fantasy land. I had never been so happy and the same for her. I gave her as much love as I could possibly give anyone and so did she.

I broke up with my girl-friend of 1.5 years on Jan 1st this year. She had given me the ultimatum to commit for a future marriage with Jan 1st as the deadline. Obviously, I didn't make it - for the following reasons:
1. I am very close to my family. My family does not approve of this match (cultural differences - she's American while I'm a first generation immigrant, her age and appearance). Her family has their concerns (cultural, my age). This is my most important reason to break up - if we go ahead we risk alienating our families.
2. She is 4.5 years my senior and turns 34 this year. I want kids, but not right now and her biological clock is ticking.
3. She's been my first real love. I really haven't known anyone other than her. Every now and then, I have this feeling to have "just one fling" before I settle down. I know that I cannot cheat on her - I love her too much for that. I feel extremely guilty when I have these thoughts - maybe I lack maturity.

We spent 2 days together after breaking up, just talking over things. I wanted to stay so that I could comfort her. She's put in so much into this relationship - trying to learn my language, cooking my cuisine. What I did not realize is how much she had already fantasized about - our kids, our home, my family, our lives. She told me that she had "tortured her soul". That shattered me. Even when I was leaving her, I was thinking how much I want to be with her.

I still love her and she still loves me too. I have had the worst week of my life. I have cried, fought urges to call her. I feel concerned for her - would she find another person to love. I don't know what to do. Shall I get back with her - it doesn't solve the problems why we broke up in the first place. It shall just delay the inevitable. I feel terrible whenever I am with myself and very confused. I have plummeted from heaven to hell. I am burning.

What is your advice? What would you do in my position? Have you had a similar experience? Thanks for your patient reading.

[Marty_McFly]

I too waited too long to ask my ex to marry me, and I will probably regret it until the day that I die. I love her so much, but I gave myself lots of little reasons not to and now look back and realize those reasons were not enough to push away the love of my life. All I can say is true love comes around extremely rarely, and "flings" are way overrated and unfulfilling. She's 34 and the clock is ticking, but the hands still have several years to go before they get to 12:00. Once you get settled down and are enjoying your life with her, there is a good chance you will be ready for kids sooner you are thinking you will be right now.

It seems to me that the only really good reason is your families. I don't know enough about your families, and how they would react, and you guys certainly do not want to alienate them, but if it's the only reason then maybe you each need to sit down and have a frank discussion with your families (without the significant other around) and really talk about what you guys are considering.

Read my other posts...I would give anything for one more day of her wanting to say yes to a proposal from me...if she really is the one you love and want to be with forever, make sure your reasons for walking away from it justify what you're doing.

[Tony T]

I think if you went far enough to actually break up with her, you're doing the right thing. If you have even the slightest thought that you need to have this "fling" thing, you obviously aren't ready to settle down. I promise you there will be somebody else out there for you. Just don't take it too far unless you feel ready to go the distance.

[yes]

this may be ridiculous, but why not have a fling right now, and see if how you feel after it?...

-yes

[The Burning Man]

Thanks a lot for your posts.

Originally posted by yes
this may be ridiculous, but why not have a fling right now, and see if how you feel after it?...

Yes, I was thinking much the same. But, the only problem is that I still am so bloody guilty when I am even looking at someone else.

Originally posted by Tony
I think if you went far enough to actually break up with her, you're doing the right thing

Tony, one admission that I have is that I would not have broken up with her if she hadn't given me the ultimatum. I knew that we would have to assess the situation sometime, but I wouldn't have broken up.

Originally posted by Marty_McFly
make sure your reasons for walking away from it justify what you're doing

Marty, I did read some of your previous posts. We were very much like you described you and your ex - no conflicts, extreme compatibility.
None of my elite education has prepared me to evaluate our relationship logically and rationally. Is the reason to walk away justified or not - that is the very question that has been bothering me no end.

[thenewguy]

I think maybe you should think about this a little. It seems from your post you love each other very much. If you cannot stand the thought of her not being in your life forever you need to marry her. If you think you can live without her and are interested in other women let her go. As far as the fling goes the grass is just as green on one side as the other. My sister married a guy my family didn't approve of. My parents weren't happy about it but they eventually got over it and love him as much as their own children.

okay mr. burning man here is the thing, you claim she is the love of your life, and i think she has proven her love and devotion to you( learning the language and cooking the cuisine) which is more then i have done in my marriage to my hispanic husband. so on one hand you have a loving, devoted gf who caes, respects you, and values your happiness, and then on the other hand there are your families who are closed minded to your relationship, who are willing to sacrifice your happiness because they are uncomfortable with your inter-cultural relationship.

basically, you have to decide if living for you parents approval is more important then your happiness. i am not suggesting to disregard your parents feelings on the matter, but you are a grown man and it is REALLY hard to find the "right one" these days.
so is it a matter of your parent's approval or your desire to sow your wild oats?
if you decide to have a fling, you risk losing your gf forever. she will feel deeply hurt, betrayed and it will take her a long time to trust you again.

why would you throw away a lifetime of yoy, fullfillment, love and hapiness for a meaningless curiosity romp w/ someone? what can you get from a fling that you can't from your gf, besides disease and a brokenheart?