Been hurt and dumped more than once, How can I trust Another? ADVICE?
How do you get that fear of being hurt or being dumped again, Out of your System?
I'm far from thinking about looking for another girl. It's the last thing on my mind.
I'm focusing more on my life, My career and just my loves and passions:art, Music etc.
I've been in relationships where I've given My all in terms of Caring, My Love, Support,
Inspirtaions. I'm a really cool, down to earth guy. I Care very much for other's feelings.
I once was in a relationship with a girl who i liked very much, We stayed together while
she went away to school and when I went out to visit her 3 months later, I found out
she had cheated on me. And she told me she wanted to be with him more.
WHATEVER.
Then I was in a 3 year relationship with a wonderful girl who loved me very much and
i loved her Twice as much and did all I could to take care of her needs and be a good
boyfriend to her. But she broke up with me because she wanted to be alone and
Find Herself. I was Crushed. I Still Am.
I'm just wondering, when the time comes where maybe I will meet someone else,
How can I get that fear of being dumped or left behind. I"m so afraid at this point
of giving my heart to anyone else because, I don't want it to get trampled on.
When I give my love, I give it Fully. And it just seems like there arent any other people
out there like that...How can I Rid Myself of that Fear?
I don't know if there's anything you can do. I think you just need time alone to grow, to heal, to better yourself....I am willing to bet that given enough time, you will gradually be able to trust again. It may seem impossible right now, but I'm sure it will happen.
I'm sorry about your losses. It sounds like you're hurting a lot and are doubting whether you should ever love again. I'm sure that when it's the right girl, you will be able to give yourself fully again. Don't worry too much about it right now.
If in a couple months you still feel the same way, maybe you can talk to a cognitive therapist or something. Love can hurt alot, but I think we both know that the pleasure is more than worth the pain.
My first "girlfriend" ended up being secretly engaged to her "ex" and wasn't going to tell me, she was gonna let me go off to college without finding out. I found out and byebye went my trust.
It took me a LONG time to get over that and ever since then I'd had severe trust issues.
I've gotten better with time, although in my last relationship, trust wasn't always there, for fear of her doing something stupid while getting drunk or leaving me for someone else like she left her ex for me.
What happened to you more or less happened to me, but we were on a "break" which is just about the dumbest god damn thing to do, but that's neither here nor there.
If this is your first screwing over, it's gonna take a while to recover. Don't try to push anything or make yourself feel a way you know you aren't really feeling. Just don't be bitter. Don't be a hermit. Well, be a hermit for a little bit, get it out of your system, but don't get used to it.
I have to agree with UCFKevin. Take some time to yourself. If you don't think that you can trust again, then don't date anyone. If you do.....all your'e going to do is second guess everything the gal does and says. That's not fair to her or to you. I know a lot of people who have gone on this path of destruction.
Yeah, I'm so NOT ready for anyone else, I was just curious for when and If the time ever comes.
This whole thing just happened and I'm still dealing with it because she hasn't gotten all of her stuff
out of the apartment we share.
And KEV, I don't understand the whole "Break" thing either. I do, but I Don't. I'm sensitive to
women needing space and needing their time alone to themselves, But taking a break is silly.
Might as well just break up.
Also, with a girl that you love who says that she hopes that we can someday be back together,
How can you ever trust her to not leave again. It's just a tough thing.
Yeah. That's definitely a problem right there. There IS no guarantee that it won't happen again. Too much to worry about, man.
I always said that if a girl I'm seeing ever wanted a break, I'd just end it completely. Of course, until you're actually IN the situation, it's easy to say that. But love...maybe even desperation...changes things.
James,
I think one of the saddest things in life is finding out the one person you thought you could trust to catch you if you fell....was the one who actually pushed you off the cliff (so to speak). It's TOUGH! After that, surely there are alot of heart and trust issues you have to work thru.
I've found that since it happened to me.....I enter into meeting new guys completely different than I once did. I really don't dive into my feelings at all. I keep them in check. I look for different 'signs' which I didn't look for before.
So, maybe it doesn't mess you up when someone breaks your heart and trust.....maybe it just makes you wiser.
So, maybe it doesn't mess you up when someone breaks your heart and trust.....maybe it just makes you wiser.
Arabess
i'd rather go back to being less wiser and generally not going through all the heartbreak... i believe what has happened to me personally has messed me up the past few years... this isn't a good thing!
i was generally a happy guy until i got into serious relationships ( 6 years ago )
You know I've been like you for a long time. It took me almost 6 years to recover from trusting anyone. I still dont' trust anyone, but I finally gave my heart to someone and you know what.. like yours it ended up being the same thing. I couldn't belived it, since i thought that I'm wiser now. But I know what you feel, its painful. I did the whole hermit thing, for years and years and years. I came back to this dating world and you know what, it hasn't changed. People are still decietful and manipulative.. Just be careful, if you find that true soul - keep it and try to make everything work for it. I don't know if you'll ever be the same, i know I haven't. I'm actually shriveled from this, and like you - i wonder if i will ever fall out of it.
I definatly have some trust issues, I don't know if I can ever trust a girl again. Hopefully I will be able to but right now I'm focusing on girls lookin for a good time. Hmmm wow this just hit me, I always seem to pick out girls that are kinda... 'bitches' and couldn't care less about me but it never really bothered me because I didn't have relationships with them. Now my ex was a virgin and so the relationship just came natural but deep down she was still that same type of lady that I seem to gravitate toward. I need to find a good gal for my next relationship..... hmmm a reason to get back to church more often I guess lol.
James, you sound like me in so many ways, - especially the " I give ALL of me part".
And it is disgusting to think that, if we're cut from that particular cloth, we end up getting hurt often.
It's like we're carring this big flashing sign that reads "Use me".
No matter how careful or intelligent you think you are being in evaluating the beginnings of the relationship, tho, you wind up with someone who takes and takes, but never gives back anything.
From my own personal experience, (and I'm not bragging, here), being particularly attractive is not really an asset in that you will only attract more possible people who are shallow, and are notorious 'takers'.
And sometimes, I have gotten so frustrated with what's 'out there' in terms of people to date, that I just didn't date for long periods.
When I came back to the decision to date again, it was scarey....like diving back into a pool of sharks and users.
Changing places (even states) where I could meet possible compatible people didn't seem to help much either.
I looked deeper into my personal list of 'criteria' (I think everyone has that list), I found that what I had grouped together as 'must haves' were pretty basic characteristics and needs. I thought that might be the problem, so I went even deeper into my wish list to define it, hoping that would help weed out the indifferent, the abusive, and the shallow.
Still, there were problems.
Serious ones. Silly ones. And just plain scarey ones.
I am still struggling to learn to evaluate with greater accuracey the 'possibles' that smile so charmingly as they approach me.
I am trying to look past the smiles, the personal history that they are willing to tell me with large bits missing as they rattle through the details of their past.
I am getting better, but there are some who are just so damn good at presenting a lovely package that contains every surprise from screwed up minds/hearts to nothing but air on the inside.
They are incredible actors.
But I still have hope.
I still believe human beings were made to love hot, hard, and deep.
And my personal consolation is that I have experienced absolute true love at least once in my life (a husband, he died years ago)....and I know what it feels like, how it strengthens you, how it comforts you and provides a safe place you can be yourself and run to, like a shelter, when you need it.
I know how it can be a source of encouragement in everything you attempt to do in your life, and how it enriches you, and (even after it's gone) inspires you to hunger for it and keep seeking it.
It is powerful....and when you've tasted it, you will not settle for less.
That's why I keep trying...taking chances,
Love is rare...people who truly truly seek it are rare...people who can truly give it are rare.....people like you, James.
Your sign is flashing for the same reason that mine is.
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Hmmm wow this just hit me, I always seem to pick out girls that are kinda... 'bitches' and couldn't care less about me but it never really bothered me because I didn't have relationships with them. Now my ex was a virgin and so the relationship just came natural but deep down she was still that same type of lady that I seem to gravitate toward. I need to find a good gal for my next relationship..... hmmm a reason to get back to church more often I guess lol. 
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