Ok, I must say I have read some pretty interesting relationship situations. One particular subject that has sparked my intrest is this, "No Contact" rule. What exactly is this, I think my relationship experience had something to do with this.
Another thing I wanted to comment on was in one of the threads someone had said that some people can be selfish because they don't comment on no one elses threads but their own and only stick to things that pretain to them. Well I can only share my experiences and can't really give advice becasue I really don't have experience in that department.
Anyhow that is what this threads are for is to vent ask questions and try to learn from other people. I know since my ex b/f broke up with about a month and half ago I still can't forget about him, I try and try so I come here to vent and learn from all of you.
Well if anyone out their can relate to this situation or has any comments please by all means do.
The no-contact rule can give you the best chance you may have of getting back with someone. Sometimes, you may have no chance whatever you do as the Dumper has made up their mind. What can also give you no chance whatsoever is when the Dumper has requested "space" (in a variety of formats) and the Dumpee, desperate to ensure the Dumper knows the hurt caused and the depth of love, disrespects that request and bombards the Dumper with messages. It is the equivalent of suffocation of the remaining flame left and is extremely unattractive. It makes the Dumper want to get as far away as possible from the Dumpee, makes them feel stalked, suffocated, smothered, pestered, imprisoned. If you want to be missed, be missing.
Remember this just before you send JUST ONE MORE message to your loved one.
It was me that posted about some people being selfish and not giving back, and I stand by that post. Everyone has experience and an opinion. If all people did on this website was to take from it, there wouldn't be a website.
Its spelled out in basic english. Its the hardest thing to do, or that you may ever do. I have just started no contact with my ex and I feel like I'm loosing my mind, but I know in order for me to get better and in order for her to get over what made her angry enough to break up, I cannot see, hear or mail her.
Basically, you cannot make any kind of contact, unless it is official business that must be dealt with, and then leave it at that and do not bring up other matters.
Everyone is here for you and I know they and I will try to help out as much as possible. And believe it or not, everyone has something to contribute, regardless of thier experiences.
We are all having problems with coping etc on here. I came for advice and even though I am still hurting, find that some of my experiences may well be similar to other people and thus offer them advice (from my opinion).
We all probably find that we can give advice, but working our own problems out is hard and that is where this community works. A simple analogy is that we are one big circle all scratching each other's backs.
Silly, but sort of true.
You will in time, although maybe still hurting find that you read a thread in which you have a valid opinion which may well help one of us.
As for no contact - everybody is probably right and I am currently doing it, but am finding it bloody hard.
yeah i suppose you two are right that everyone has an opinion to share regardless if they been in that situation. Did'nt think of it like that in the begining.
So basically when the person who dumps you request no contact then you, the person who was dumped should just respect it and not contact? It will hopefully make the dumper feel diffrently about the person they dumped?
Sorry but all this is so confusing, I just am holding on to that tiny bit of hope that maybe I still have a chance.
I think you are grasping the idea now. It's by no way an easy thing to do, but it serves two purposes and not just one.
1. It allows the person who did the dumping to have time and space alone to think about the decision they just made. Believe it or not, the dumper does not always have it easy, they are hurting as well, but have closed themselves off emotionally to cope with the situation. They may in time begin to miss the person they dumped and decide to make contact with them, this is what I consider to be the infamous "Open Door" that everyone is looking for, if this happens, then how you handle it will determine your future with this person.
2. This is the most important of the two purposes, because this is your time to heal, think and reflect on what has happened in your life. This is the time right after the initial shock has gone by (usually a couple days, for some sooner). Now you have to look out for yourself, you are your best friend and you know how and who you are better than anyone else. Be true to your nature, If you enjoyed hanging out with friends before your relationship, then by all means, go back to hanging out with them. What I'm trying to say is don't sit around and feel bad for yourself, because thats what they expect from you. Show them that you can still lead a positive productive life without them, and believe me they are looking at how your reacting.
I know this is painful, I went through another tough breakup about 10 years ago, and wish I had half the knowledge I've gained from this forum back then. But, now I have a chance (even though it small), I at least feel that if I can follow this rule then I can become a whole person again much sooner than I did previous.
Hey Steve2usa thanks for breaking it down for me, I understand now.
Yeah it is so weird how some people can be in doing stuff like this. The only way one can learn is learning through life and how people are. Hopefully I can pick up the pieces and move on. I hope I can I really am trying....
I know you are, in fact we all are. I have been logged onto this site almost 24/7 since I found it and it has become a stepping stone to my recovery. I have not lost faith and I don't believe I ever will, But I know that my life must go on.
If you ever feel a time when you are getting weak, then by all post and get the support you need. You can also send private messages if you feel there is something that you don't want posted in the forum areas as well.
I'm rooting for, just as others are rooting for both of us.
You said Steve2usa! What would I do without good ole "Love Shaq", it's so nice to know that you are the only one feeling that type of pain and their are ways to get around it. to many thanks and best wishes to everyone out there who is going throught these tough times! I hope that is will work out for whatever reason and if you don't end up with your old flame their will definatly be that 10 TIMES better HE or SHE for us out there!!!!
I have a question about the no contact rule. Everyone says it applies to your ex requesting no contact. In my situation (Ex playing games post) my ex wanted to stay in contact and expected it even after I told her that I was no longer going to be a part of her life. The last time I talked to her was approximately two weeks ago. I have not contacted her since nor do I plan to. Does that change things. Maybe a silly question just curious.
how can i use the no contact rule when she thinks were still friends and she texts me? she also wants to go for a drink as friends next week, weve only been split for 3 days afta 3 years together
Hi all
I am giving space & the no contact rule does seem to change regularly.
at first it was email only, then after contacting 4-5 times a week (then i got a bit pushy), it was not at all, then it was that she would initiate contact & i should reply only then & now i send 1 a week regardless & i said that i didn't expect her to answer but it would be nice. The content of the call or mail is important.
Any advice on this would be gratefully taken, because i think the dumper must know that you intend on attempting reconciliation, because if not & you never contact her, she may feel you have moved on & are trying to sever all connections, whereas the reality is that you're doing it to show her respect & that your doing whatever it may take!
The last thing you want is to show her your trying to forget & therefor she does the same & then there's no chance. You never know it may eventually be on her mind also, so some contact however minimal is needed. I think!!
No contact...space...it's all strange. Just speaking for myself...I work in a very high octane sort of job that requires all attention. It's extremely hard...strange. You feel that a release is emailing/whatever her and thus you destroy the space theory to pieces (I know). I'm at work now and this site has been great. BUt my mood jumps up and down...it's frightening. And I want to reach out and just see her/whatever as it's comforting...as she sorta got me through the workday before. Now I'm falling apart...and I'm not saying it's her fault. But it's because I'm not well equipped to handle stuff like this. It messes you up internally and externally. I always used to believe that there was always a way around everything...that I could convince a rock to be a frog if I wanted to. But it doesn't work like that, does it? It's seemingly impossible.
I feel that email is a great invention but when you put your point over & mabe state that you would like a responce over a certain thing & you don't get it, it's very frustrating, hence it gets repeated & if the mails are infrequent it's annoying.
Certain times of the day or week, you miss your partner to the extent of desperation & it's like a straight jacket is required to prevent you emailing or saying something OTT that afterwards you may regret.
Not being designed for this kind of emotional rollercoaster is my problem also, we're all so differently designed mentally to be able to handle this ****, looking back i took our relationship for granted & thought things could always be talked over & sorted out like that. Another learning process.
As usual Monkey, your comments are right on time! There is a difference between "no contact" - and making a person think or feel that YOU are severing all ties, when in fact that may not be your intention. Act accordingly!
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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