I'm going out with a girl at the moment who has a very different past to mine, and feel uncomfortable about it. I'm early twenties and lost my virginity to this girl. Her on the other hand, is mid-twenties and has slept with 9 people previously. 2 were one night stands, 2 she believed she loved, the remaining 5 were "just for fun", flings, casual relationships, etc.

I feel upset by this, and it bugs me so much, and the annoying thing is, I don't know why. I've tried talking to her about it, but it's hard to explain because I don't know what EXACTLY it is that bugs me.

Any advice?

[Tony T]

I think you ought to resolve yourself to not being bothered by the pasts of other people you can do nothing about. It's crazy. It might also be advisable to let your lady know spouting off her past is not a great idea. It's none of anybody's business...unless she has some STDs.

If she had been to bed with a thousand men before you, what difference would that make. It's the same as shaking hands, except it feels better and is done with a different part of the body.

well, we have 100% honesty in our relationship. no secrets at all, and I know this is MY issue, and MY problem, and I told her I have this problem, just... I want to know how to resolve it. Other than this, we have a great relationship.

Oh, and if sex is just like "shaking hands", then why is it cheating if I go out and "shake hands" with another girl?

[AprilFool]

I "loved" a guy who was 21, and used to be a drug dealer, and slept with 15+ women. He's the guy I lost my virginity to. YES IT BOTHERED ME.

It bothered me, because to me, he was the only guy. But let me tell you something important.

That guy dumped me 2 days after I gave him my virginity. The next guy I was with, I was MADLY in love with. When I had sex with guy number 2, guy number 1 was the FARTHEST thing from my mind. I think it bothered me, becase as a virgin, I had no past experience, so I didn't know what it was like for him being with more than one person. I always felt like I was being compared. After I had sex with the second person, I realized that your past partners have nothing to do with the person you're with. Everyone is different and special.

Really, what she did in her past is in her past. Don't worry about it, unless she starts bringing people from her past into her present.

Back to the bothered virgin thing...if you're like I was, you don't feel comfortable with sex yet, because it's new to you. You feel like she has the more experience, so she knows something you don't. Don't worry, she doesn't. You can learn more from watching pornos than from actually having sex...or at least I can.

As for talking about it with her, there isn't any point. She had sex with a bunch of people, and there's nothing that's going to change that. sorry. I think it bothers you, because you are insecure about your performance, since you are the lessor experienced. Just look at it like she's a practice run, so when you find the person you want to be with, you'll be more confident.

Now, if the reason you're concerned is because of the number of people she's been with...then like I said, there's nothing you can do about it...it's in the past. You can let it go, or leave her, and that's about it. If you would feel better, though, ask her to get tested for HIV. If she refuses, then use your own judgement as to whether or not you want to be with her again. I had sex with 2 different men in 6 months. I was 19. Keep that ratio, and I would've had sex with 20 men by the age of 24!!!

Thank God I got married to number 3

[AprilFool]

or was he number four?...

[AprilFool]

SEE HOW UNIMPORTANT PAST SEX PARTNERS ARE!?!?!?!?!?! I CAN'T EVEN KEEP COUNT, AND I'VE ONLY BEEN WITH THREE...OR FOUR

If she's important to you, try not to let it bother you. It's not like she's done anything wrong in your relationship. I'm sure if she had known that she was going to meet you, she wouldn't have had such premiscous sex :P

Originally posted by AprilFool
I'm sure if she had known that she was going to meet you, she wouldn't have had such premiscous sex :P

she says that, she says if she could change the past, she would, but she can't, so what do I expect her todo. And in all honesty, there is nothing she can do. Like I said, it's MY problem, I have some kind of messed up mentality where I can't get this out of my head. We've been going out 6 months now, and tbh, this has bugged me from day one. It's just now, I want to resolve it, and be happy... but something inside me fears that maybe I won't be ever able to resolve this... so where does that leave me?

Has she done anything wrong by sleeping with 9 other guys, is 9 a lot? It's how I judge it I guess, no one makes the rules but me, its the way of society i guess. Does it matter if she has, or is it just because deep inside I'm under confident... oh man, it's like swings and roundabouts, I just want it to stop.

oh, and AprilFool, thank you

[xalysabethh]

i just posted something about this the other day. my boyfriend has been with 18 people. in midtwenties. i on the ohterhand have been with 4 (including him) and one was a virgin the other two were only with like 3othter people. so i was kindof freaked i'm over it now and if its something you can get over it doesnt matter but if its always going to bother you then it will always be in the back of your head.
xalsyabeth

[SoleMate]

Has she done anything wrong by sleeping with 9 other guys?

I used to be sure that the answer to this question was Yes, but I'm not sure anymore. Has she harmed herself or anyone else? Does she have a bad "rep"? Would she still be the same person if she had not had this experience?

Is 9 a lot?

Let's look at some 1998 data from the University of Chicago:
(http://www-news.uchicago.edu/release...0505.sex.shtml)
"In the United States, nearly nine percent of men between ages 18 and 24 reported having five or more partners during the previous year, while in Britain, the number for that age group was four percent. Among American women, nearly seven percent reported having five or more partners, while fewer than one percent of the British women reported having that many partners.
"Over their lifetimes, 13 percent of American men and 8 percent of British men reported having more than 20 sex partners. Among women, the figures were 2 percent for American women and one percent for British women."

Unfortunately, these numbers cannot be directly extrapolated to your girlfriend's experience. However, I feel safe guessing that she is at the 80-90 percentile of number of partners (in other words, she has had more partners than 80-90% of women her age). These numbers vary hugely depending on your social circumstances.

Along with other posters, I recommend that you both practice discretion with each other, and that you find a way to put this in the past. It'd be ironic if your pleasure in her now were ruined by memories of something that is over and done with.

Tony must be off his rocker...I don't know anyone who truly thinks that sex is liking shaking hands. You clearly don't feel that way.

Originally posted by xalysabethh
i just posted something about this the other day. my boyfriend has been with 18 people. in midtwenties. i on the ohterhand have been with 4 (including him) and one was a virgin the other two were only with like 3othter people. so i was kindof freaked i'm over it now and if its something you can get over it doesnt matter but if its always going to bother you then it will always be in the back of your head.
xalsyabeth

I want to get over it so bad, I didn't tell her till recently that it bothered me, I wanted to resolve it myself, I've always known it's just one of those things, We have different pasts, and I need to understand hers, accept it, and essentially, forget about it. But I couldn't, so I asked her to talk to me about it, told her how I felt, and she was suprised at first about my feelings, and we talked. The more we talk, the more I understand, she explains why, and how she felt, and I feel less that she's a "slut" and understand her better. But it's an arkward thing to ask a person, and I feel guilty for doing so.

[AprilFool]

I don't think her havine slept with 9 people makes her bad. She is mid twenties, and a lot can happen in the early years....I personally know that.

Originally posted by SoleMate
I used to be sure that the answer to this question was Yes, but I'm not sure anymore. Has she harmed herself or anyone else? Does she have a bad "rep"? Would she still be the same person if she had not had this experience?

Okay, odd question to ask, but here goes.

Why did you used to think "Yes"? Cause if I think with my head, I think No, but something deep inside, says yes... and I can't define why I think it's wrong... why is it in society deemed wrong to have many sexual partners?

[moimeme]

feel less that she's a "slut"

Hoo boy! And what constitutes a 'slut'? Can men be 'sluts'?