IS this an abusive relationship?

princess75 · 7th January 2004, 11:25 AM

I just wanted to know if the following pattern falls into an abusive relationship?
Beign fine with each other, both emotionally and physical...adn after say 2 months without reason the boy changes his attitude and picks up fights which are irrelevant. The gal tries to sovle the problems but he neglects to see there is even a problem, like underestimating her. Then when the gal withdraws the boy again starts behaving nicely.
Then he picks up fights til lthey break up and he starts going out with another gal. Then he comes to the 1st gal and he wants sex which in the end the gal gives it away. Then he is fine with her for 2 days, and then he rejects her again. The gal wants it to work, but rejection comes out of nowhere. The gal does not have the courage to cut strings...how to help this gal? How this gal can help herself? Is this abuse or?

InLoKo · 7th January 2004, 11:57 AM

I don't think it matters what label you put on it. Are you happy is the key question? If you are not, see if you can work it out. If you have tried that and have failed, get out.

SoleMate · 7th January 2004, 12:47 PM

Well, I wouldn't call this abuse per se. But I sure wouldn't call it good, either. InLoKo is right...whatever the label a 3rd party puts on it, if YOU don't like it, change it or end it.

Quote:

Then he comes to the 1st gal and he wants sex which in the end the gal gives it away.

You being the first gal. Look at it this way. It takes two people to let this painful dysfunction continue. How many people can you control and change the behavior of? Him? No. You? Yes. So change your behavior and dropkick him to the nearest gutter. Then look in the mirror and say, "I will never settle for a relationship that makes me miserable ever again. AND I forgive myself for my past mistakes. Mwaahh." Give yourself a big lipsticky kiss.

princess75 · 7th January 2004, 1:33 PM

Thanks for the replies! SoulMate it made me really happy what you wrote It is true I am the one to control my own behavior. But somehow I always have in the mind, if I could make it work out and I keep on going back to trying to figure it out. I have to stop this pattern ! Any suggestions of how to just make a clean break. Basically I should increase my self esteem, I have figured that one out. And I think I go back to "make it work out" because I moved to this city to be with him and when I did ...instead of him valueing it, he startede all this fights and ended up breaking up and going to another gal. He is conscious that I am alone here and has told some close friends of his that I wont go anywhere cause I dont have anyone except him in this city. Well, time to move on...better alone than with bad company..but how to do so without falling back into it?
Thanks!

SoleMate · 7th January 2004, 1:42 PM

Well...to have a life, you need a job, a place to live, and friends. Choose your city and then work on the above. Get new, time-consuming interests that put you with other people, such as volunteer work with animals, children, art, clubs, church, civic groups. Work on your body and mind: gym, library, museums, hiking, sports. Call all those old friends you dropped to be with this guy and reconnect. Make you parents' day by having a good long chat or visit with them. Clean and organize your living space. Get a pedicure. Etc.....

11th January 2004, 3:05 PM

Pretty cool sight, well let see what to start, I was raised by of course by abusive
mentally and sexually and physically parents, so not much self-esteen in myself. I became a shut-In in my own world. Well, I married a physically abuse man, and some how manged to have four children of his and mine, and I had two daughters before I met him. So, by age 26 I had a 9,6,3,2, and a newborn baby. My husband drove trucks for most of our marriage and still is driving over-the-road. We have been married 27 years, and raised five of the children, which have already move out and lives of their own, but we still have one 16 year old boy, living at home. So any way, I have been planning to leave for years or at least the last two years. He doesn't hit me as much anymore usually once a year, when he was drinking. I just don't know what to do. I am a full time 50 year old student, working on my bachelor degree. As, part of my plan, but the closer the time for me to leave, I get scared. Married 27 years is a longtime. I just wish like he loves me. You know a hug, holding hands, a little light kiss. He tells me he loves me. we live like brother and sister. He's gone at least 1 or 2 weeks at time driving. What do you all think? Am I making a big mistake?

lucky · 20th January 2004, 9:36 PM

I just wanted to say that you deserve better. You have raised your kids, now it's time for you. Everyone deserves love, freedom, happiness, and 50 is not too old to get it!
I've seen my own mother in a similar relationship and it breaks my heart. I wish that she would have had more. How she hung in there while we were growing up, I don't know. I'm sure that your kids will be supportive of your decision to leave.
and congratulations on your going back to school for your degree. That is awsome!