[Robert]

Well, we have been seeing each other for 3 1/2 years, but just got married in September. I found out that she was seeing someone from her work in October. She said that they never slept with each other, just fooled around. I"m not sure if I should belive her, but I don't really know what else to do. There are other things that are complicating this situation...

I'd been abusing prescription painkillers, but had gone through rehab in May. My (finance at the time) was understanding, and wasn't too upset with me. She was just glad that I went and got some help. Soon after the wedding, I had a relapse, but got help again and have been sober for a few months now. I told her about the relapse, and she was pretty upset. So, we are going through the "cheating" thing, and my lying to her about using again.

We are still living together, still sleeping in the same bed, but as you can imagine, it's extremely awkward. She says that she still loves me, but she can't give me an answer when I ask her if she is "in" love with me. I've already been divorced before, and I don't want to have to go through that pain again, but I'm starting to wonder if there is any other choice.

My questions are many:
* Is it fair of her to say that "we are both dealing with the other person's dishonesty" when mine was that I relapsed and began taking Vicodin again, and hers is that she cheated on me?

* Should I stay in the marriage, and keep trying?

* Should I believe her when she says that they just fooled around?

[Errol]

What you two need to do is get into some serious counseling and learn how to communicate and also how to understand your own feelings. Once you have been in counseling for a while then you can make some decisions and be fairly confident that you are making decisions that are best for each of you as individuals and together as a couple.

[Rob]

May I ask why you decided to get married in the first place? Something is horribly wrong if she is 'fooling around' with a co-worker after a mere two weeks of marriage. I would also suggest you get some help ASAP for your addiction to painkillers. It will help your overall health and also your marriage.

[NatoPMT]

you need to get some support to make sure you dont have a relapse while you are dealing with this - nothing is insurmountable if you get the required help and you both want to overcome your obstacles - you both cheated in different ways and if you can get to the bottom of this issues causing the problems - together - then you may be able to work it out. i dont know if you should believe her in the 'fooling around' thing, but thats not the issue, the issue is getting through the trust barrier you have both built up.

id say that sexual jealousy and infidelity is harder to overcome than an addiction relapse, just because human nature dicates that you feel more threatened by that sort of deception for all sorts of reasons - we are biologically programmed to protect our what we see as our territory. but yes, its fair of her to say that within reason, its not fair of her to use that as an excuse to avoid communication on the infidelity issue.

Hello,

This is just my thought but I would look to getting an annulment of the marriage.
Your wife "fooled around" with someone two weeks after getting married? You know what fooled around meant. If your wife cheats on you two weeks into the marriage that it seems clear that you made a huge mistake in getting married. Two weeks? Unbelievable.

I'm sorry, Robert. I think it is "unbelievable" for any man/woman to cheat on their spouse, no matter how long they have been together. After all, choosing your life-partner is a big deal. I don't think many people see it as such anymore. If they put the required thought into it, they wouldn't marry until they were sure they would be happy with this person. If they learned they had made a bad call, they should end the marriage before finding someone else who they felt met their needs.

Good luck with your marriage... and your relapse.

-Deranged