[rjshades]

My girlfriend and I, both 25, have been together for almost 4 years now, living together for about 3 of those. Last year, I left my career to make a change, and went back to school. She also went back to school (law) at night time.

The problem is that I feel she has become distant from me, and I am worried about loosing our relationship.

One part of the problem is both of our schedules make it very hard for us to spend much time together. I do, however, make plans whenever possible, to treat her to dinner, take her out, or to do whatever I can to show her how I feel.

Another problem is that she is slightly ahead of me right now, in terms of financial responsibility, education etc. I used to make a very good living, almost twice what she is currently earning. I was laid off, and decided to change careers. I never went to college, whereas she has a degree from a good school. I am now studying, and have a very well thought out game plan that will give me a great career. She totally understands/supports this, but she also feels like she already has her stuff together. All of her freinds are getting engaged, while she is waiting for me to get up to her level.

Another big problem in our relationship:

Since she started school, she has spread her wings (which is great) but I am often left behind. Unfortunately, I work on weekends, and it prevents me from taking part. On haloween for instance, she went to a party at one of her (guy) students house, and took a singe girlfriend of hers. Then, just a few weeks ago, there was a gathering at a bar for the students, and guests were invited, but she thought it would be awkward for me to go. I got upset, she said I could come, and then changed her mind again a few times. Finally she said I could go, just to make me feel better. I went, and ended up chatting perfectly normally with this guy for a while. She was totally pissed at me for a week about it. She says it was just that no one else really was going to have there boyfriends/girlfriends there, and that she just wanted to unwind with her freinds, without having to "babysit" me.

Anyway, this guy, it turns out, has become her best friend at school. When the group goes out drinking, they always hang out together, talk etc. They communicate almost daily via email. I get jealous because I see she never mentions me in their conversations, like when she says she is going out to a new years party, but never says "With Ryan" etc.

I, of course, feel jealous, justified or not, and have blundered my way through communicating this to her. I know her very well, and I know she would never cheat on me, that is not really the problem. I am just afraid she is getting closer to someone, other than me, I guess. We have talked it over, she says she loves me.

She has also said that she does feel like our spark has gone, that she is upset about us fighting, and that yeah, she might have had a crush on this guy for a brief time, when we were fighting, but not at all anymore. Unfortunately, he is 1/3rd of a study group with my girlfriend. I told her that was fine, but I wanted her to stop talking to him about non-school stuff if she wanted to keep our relationship.

I guess I am just wondering what you all think about this. Do you think that I should just give up, and that we might just not be the right people for each other? Should we just cut losses and move on (( Or what else can I do? I love her VERY much, and really do not see myself with anyone else.

[dyermaker]

Often times cheating is defined as penetration, when it should be defined as the bonds of trust in your relationship being broken, but it's just semantics anyway. You are perfectly justified in feeling rationally jealous, as she is spending time with Ryan, and she doesn't make such an effort to spend time with you.

I love her VERY much, and really do not see myself with anyone else.

Love is a feeling, not a thought. I'm not going to judge you at all, I promise, but please assess your love for her. I will say that the reason you don't picture yourself with anyone else, is because you're not with anyone else. Next time you get the oppurtunity, picture yourself with someone who pictures themselves with you. Politely tell her that perhaps it would make more sense to see other people, and make it crystal clear your intentions. If you do it this way, you should have no guilt.

Hello,

I think the previous poster Dyermaker made some good points. I know this will be difficult but you need to open your eyes because I am afraid you are in a fog or a state of denial. Almost everyone who has been betrayed will tell you that they just knew that the person they were with would never cheat on them. It is so typical to believe this. Your girlfriend has already told you she feels the spark has left your relationship which means she is probably comparing you to Ryan. She hangs with a male friend and parties with him. She gets upset when she is forced to invite you to a party with her friends because she does not wish to babysit you? She communicates constantly with her best friend Ryan and makes a point of talking to him as if you do not exist. This is so typical of someone who is at the very least in an emotional affair. I was once like you and laughed when friends told me she was too close to a male friend because I knew her so well. I was wrong then and you are probably wrong now. How do you think she would have been acting if the roles had been reversed? She is disrespecting you and apparently acting as if she did not have a serious boyfriend but more like a roommate. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

[Samson]

IMHO you should lighten up and give her some room to be with friends and grad school? group members. Often academics have a lot in common and do not feel this extends beyond their walls. If she really wanted to be with om, then there's not much to prevent it, but your jealous behavior might just push them together.

[rjshades]

Samson,

That is basically the same thing she has said. Almost exactly. I have been trying as hard as I can to lighten up, and to stop being jealous (or at least acting it out).

I have talker to her about seeing other people, and she tells me that is not what she wants to do, but that she is just doesn't want to argue etc.

[Samson]

I do, however, make plans whenever possible, to treat her to dinner, take her out, or to do whatever I can to show her how I feel

Concentrate on continuing to do this.

I by far may not be the best person to give advice on relationships... but love is hard and people do make mistakes. Stupid and very painful mistakes- but so long as the love is still there I do believe that it is possible to work through anything as long as you do it together. --- You shouldn't have to do all the work to mend the relationship alone though. I think that there are boundaries to relationships ecspecially on outside relationships with members of the opposite sex. Friendships like that are totally fine... but when they seclude you from those- that should throw up red flags everywhere---- speaking from personal experience! Instead of feeling guilty for things that you feel are lacking from yourself right now and trying to do things to just make up for that... have you tried to address the issue itself? Not really just the surrounding circumstances but the way you both are reacting to it. I mean, I've put up with crap and tried to do the patient and understanding thing - and it got me no where. My ex knew I was there and that I loved him more than anything and that I was trying to look at things from his point of view- and he took FULL advantage of that. Not going into detail, but it took things REALLY blowing up for us both to get to the point of Eithor we Stop the bull**** or Fix it.

So what I am trying to say is that- yeah, be understanding of what she may be experiencing personally but don't let her take advantage of how much you love her. Which is what's sounding like she is already trying to do. QUIT beating yourself up for not being in the same place financially as her or with school. You sound like you have nothing but good intentions with that and unless she's ignorant - she knows that. I mean, things do take time. But stop babying her... and put her ass on the line by just giving it to her straight. Let me tell you---- if you don't give her anywhere to run on this she'll have to actually be honest and address the real issue between you both.

[greeniebeenie]

Give space and move on with your own life